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~ I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. Okay?
~ I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...
~ I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.
~ Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
~ I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
~ The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I'm startled.
~ The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
~ I prefer to remain an enigma.
~ I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.
~ I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
~ I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
~ I refuse to travel to my job until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.
~ I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead!
~ I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.
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New Boots
My first grade daughter and her friend both needed new boots as winter approached. The friend got in the car one morning and finally had gotten her boots. "Beth," I commented, "I see you got new boots. Where did you get them?"
"At the store," she answered.
"Which one?" I asked.
She began looking at her new boots and after a pause said, "Both of them."
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Here is today's Oneliner.
"Why does the label on Children?s Tylenol tell you not to operate heavy machinery or vehicles?"
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Here is today's CleanPun. - Patient Request
The patient is adamant. "Doc, I need a liver transplant, a kidney transplant, a heart transplant, a cornea transplant, a spleen transplant, a pancreas trans. . ."
"What makes you think you need all these?"
Well, replied the patient, "My boss said if I wanted to keep my job I needed to get reorganized."
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One blonde was painting the ceiling as the otherpainted the walls of the room."Got a good grip on your brush?" asked the firstblonde. "Sure," said the other blonde. "Well, hold on tight. I'm taking away the ladder!"
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"What time does the library open?" the man on thephone asked."Nine A.M." came the reply. "And what's the idea ofcalling me at home in the middle of the night to ask aquestion like that?" "Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointedvoice. "No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian repeated again"Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?" "Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly."I want to get out."******************************************************A little old lady is sitting on a park bench. A manwalks over and sits down on the other end of thebench. After a few moments, the woman asks, "Are you astranger here?"He replies, "I used to live here years ago." "So, where were you all these years?""In prison," he says."For what did they put you in prison?" He looks at her, and very quietly says, "I killed mywife.""Oh....." says the woman. "So... you're single...?"
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One day in the forest, three animals were discussingwho among them was the most powerful."I am," said the hawk, "because I can fly and swoopdown swiftly at my prey.""That's nothing," said the mountain lion, "I am notonly fleet, but I have powerful teeth and claws.""I am the most powerful," said the skunk, "becausewith a flick of my tail, I can drive off the two ofyou."Just then a huge girzzly bear lumbered out of theforest and settled the entire debate by eating themall. . . hawk, lion, and stinker."
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One morning, three Southerners and three Yankees were in a ticket counter
line at a train station. The three Northerners each bought a ticket and
watched as the three Southerners bought just one ticket. "How are the
three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the
Yankees.
"Watch and learn," answered one of the boys from the South.
All six boarded the train where the three Yankees sat down but the three
Southerners crammed into a toilet together and closed the door.
Shortly after the train ! departed, the conductor came around to collect
tickets. He knocked on the toilet door and said, "Ticket, please. The
door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand.
The conductor took it and moved on. The Yankees saw this happen and
agreed it was quite a clever idea. Indeed, so clever they decided to do
the same thing on the return trip and save some money.
That afternoon when they got back to the station, they bought a single
ticket for the return trip and watched, while to their astonishment, the
three Southerners didn't buy even one ticket.
"How, on earth, are you going to travel without a ticket! ?" asked a
perplexed Yankee. "Watch and learn," answered the three grinning Southern
boys in unison.
When they boarded the train, the three Northerners crammed themselves
into a toilet and the three Southerners crammed into another toilet just
down the way. Shortly after the train began to move, one of the
Southerners left their toilet and walked over to the toilet in which the
Yankees were hiding.
The Southerner knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."
Now, there's just no way on God's green earth to explain how the Yankees
won the war!