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Crowded Bus
It was rush hour, and when the bus finally arrived, it was packed. I tried to force my way on, but no one would budge, although there was ample room in the back. Then the bus driver took over.
"Excuse me, Ladies and Gentlemen," he shouted. "Will all the beautiful, smart people please move to the back of the bus, and all the ugly stupid people stay up front?"
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Here is today's Oneliner.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
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Here is today's CleanPun. - Tourism
I am a mental tourist. My mind wanders.
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A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine.
He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder into
the bartender's face. Before the bartender could recover
from the surprise, the man began weeping.
"I'm sorry," he said. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that
to bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is to
have a compulsion like this."
Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see an analyst about his problem. "I happen to have the name of a psychoanalyst," the bartender said. "My brother and my wife have both been treated by him, and they say he's as good as they get."
The man wrote down the name of the doctor, thanked the bartender, and left. The bartender smiled, knowing he'd done a good deed for a fellow human being.
Six months later, the man was back. "Did you do what I suggested?" the bartender asked, once again serving the man a glass of white wine.
"I certainly did," the man said. "I've been seeing the psychoanalyst twice a week." He took a sip of the wine. Then he threw the remainder into the bartender's face.
The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. "The doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good," he sputtered.
"On the contrary," the man claimed, "he's done me a world of good."
"But you threw the wine in my face again!" the bartender exclaimed.
"Yes," the man replied. "But it doesn't embarrass me
anymore!"
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My mother is a cleaning fanatic. One Saturday she told me and my brother to get down to the playroom and straighten it up. We had a party there the previous evening, and she was none too happy about the mess.
As she watched us work, it was clear that Mom was completely dissatisfied with our cleaning efforts and let us know it. Finally my brother, exasperated with having to do it all over, reached for a broom and asked Mom, "Can I use this, or were you planning to go somewhere?"
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Religious Differences
A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church
one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads
where he met a little girl coming from the other
direction.
"Hello," said the little boy.
"Hi," replied the little girl.
"Where are you going?" asked the little boy.
"I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way
home," answered the little girl.
"Me too," replied the little boy. "I'm also on my way
home from church."
"Which church do you go to?" asked the little boy.
"I go to the Baptist church back down the road,"
replied the little girl. "What about you?"
"I go to the Catholic church back at the top of the
hill," replied the little boy.
They discovered that they are both going the same way
so they decided that they'd walk together. They came
to a low spot in the road where spring rains had
partially flooded the road so there was no way that
they could get across to the other side without
getting wet. "If I get my new Sunday dress wet my
Mom's going to skin me alive," said the little girl.
"My Mom'll tan my hide too if I get my new Sunday suit
wet," replied the little boy.
"I tell you what I think I'll do," said the little
girl. "I'm gonna pull off all my clothes and hold them
over my head and wade across."
"That's a good idea," replied the little boy. "I'm
going to do the same thing with my suit."
So they both undressed and waded across to the other
side without getting their clothes wet. They were
standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before
putting their clothes back on when the little boy
finally remarked, "You know, I never did realize
before just how much difference there really is
between a Baptist and a Catholic."
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Nun Out Of Gas
(I just thought this was very timely, with the price of gas these days!)
A young Nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas.
As luck would have it, there was a gas station just one block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.
The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he owned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.
Since the Nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient.
Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car. As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car, two men watched her from across the street.
One of them turned to the other and said: "I know that it is said that Jesus turned water into wine, but if that car starts, I'm going to church every Sunday for the rest of my life."