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It was a formal banquet. The minister had just finished saying grace when a waiter spilled a bowl of steaming soup into his lap.
The clergyman silently sizzled, then said in anguished tones, "Will a layman please make some appropriate remarks?"
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I went to the registry of motor vehicles to renew my
license. When I handed the clerk a check to pay for the
license she asked for some identification. I pointed to the renewed picture license that she was holding in her hand.
While talking to a colleague IN PERSON I mentioned that I colored my hair. He asked me what color.
Last week my co-worker was traveling on business to a very small town. They found a restaurant in the phone book and asked the woman working at the hotel desk how to get there. The desk clerk told them all about it and gave them directions. After driving around for half an hour they could not find it. When they returned to the hotel, the woman at the hotel desk told them, "Oh, I forgot; they never did build that restaurant."
I went shopping with my roommate, and I saw a humorous
button that said, "It might look like I'm doing nothing,
but on a cellular level, I'm quite busy." I showed it to
her, and her response was, "Oh, I should buy that one, I'm always talking on mine."
I went into a major retail establishment and asked an
employee in the garden section whether they sold hyacinth vases. Seeing her blank look, I described a hyacinth vase, explaining that it has a narrow neck, with space for a flower bulb on top and water on the bottom. Said the employee, "Have you looked in Electronics?"
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Thanks to Memphisbelle -- Boys and Theology
Raising Boys
a) For those with no children - this is totally
hysterical!
b) For those who already have children past this age,
this is hilarious.
c) For those who have children this age, this is not
funny.
d) For those who have children nearing this age, this
is a warning.
e) For those who have not yet had children, this is
birth control.
The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin,
Texas...
Things I've learned from my Boys (honest and not
kidding):
1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a
2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run
over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults
in a crowded restaurant.
4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the
motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy
wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is
strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to
spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling
fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have
to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit
A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't
stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh
oh", it's already too late.
8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and
lots of it
9.) A six-year old boy can start a fire with a flint
rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only
do it in the movies.
10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive
tract of a 4-year old boy.
11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in
the same sentence.
12.) Super glue is forever.
13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming
pool you still can't walk on water.
14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15.) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even
though TV commercials show they do.
16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when
driving.
18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor
is.
19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on;
plastic toys do not like ovens.
20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute
response time.
21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not
make earthworms dizzy.
22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the
Clorox and brake fluid.
25.) Women will pass this on to almost all of their
friends, with or without kids.
26.) So will men. For greater edification of their
brethren!
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The pastor of a mid-sized church decided one Monday morning that the staff would verbalize their prayers at the weekly staff meeting. He led off with, "Lord, my daughter is about to go away to college, I only make $55,000 a year, and it's not enough."
He turned to the associate pastor, and he said, "Lord, I have two children in preschool, a new mortgage, I only make $39,000 a year, and it's not enough."
The minister of education continues with his chant, "Lord, you know I need a new car, my wife is not well, I only make $28,000 a year, and it's not enough."
The youth minister has his turn next: "Lord, I've just finished seminary, I have huge student loans, I only make $20,000 a year and it's not enough."
At last it's time for the minister of music. His prayer went like this:"Lord, my son is graduating from Harvard, we bought a new boat, I make $100,000 a year and 'there's no business like show business!'"
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Proud to be your Friend
Make sure you read all the way down to the last sentence, and don't skip
ahead.
I've learned....
That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end,
the faster it goes.
I've learned....
That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.
I've learned....
That money doesn't buy class.
I've learned....
That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.
I've learned...
That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and
loved.
I've learned....
That the Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I can?
I've learned....
That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.
I've learned....
That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that
person continue to hurt you.
I've learned....
That love, not time, heals all wounds.
I've learned....
That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with
people smarter than I am.
I've learned....
That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.
I've learned....
That there's nothing sweeter than sleeping with your babies and feeling
their breath on your cheeks.
I've learned...
That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.
I've learned....
That life is tough, but I'm tougher.
I've learned...
That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.
I've learned....
That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.
I've learned...
That I wish I could have told my Dad that I love him one more time before
he passed away.
I've learned....
That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he
may have to eat them.
I've learned....
That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.
I've learned....
That I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it.
I've learned....
That when your newly born child holds your little finger in his little
fist, that you're hooked for life.
I've learned....
That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness
and growth occurs while you're climbing it.
I've learned ...
That it is best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it is
requested and when it is a life threatening situation.
I've learned....
That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.
To all of you ... Make sure you read all the way down to the last sentence.
It's National Friendship Week. Show your friends how much you care. Send
this to everyone you consider a FRIEND, even if it means sending it back to
the person who sent it to you. If it comes back to you, then you'll know
you have a circle of friends.
HAPPY FRIENDSHIP WEEK TO YOU!!!!!!
YOU ARE MY FRIEND AND I AM HONORED!
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Old Man
An old man goes in for his yearly physical, with his wife tagging along.
When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I will need a
urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."
The old man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What
did he say?"
The wife yells back to him, "GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR!"