Saturday, December 31, 2005

hUMOR For Dec. 31st

"Parting Words"
A pastor was leaving his area and was saying farewell to his congregation at the Church doors for the last time. He shook the hand of an elderly lady as she walked out. She said "Your successor won't be as good as you."
"Nonsense", said the pastor, in a flattered tone.
"No, really", said the old lady, "I've been here under five different ministers and each new one has been worse than the last."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Oneliner
"Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to a retired Air Force officer for sending this
"paraphrase" of a memorable public safety announcement from
Alaska Air flight attendants...

"I was flying to San Francisco from Seattle this weekend,
and the flight attendant reading the flight safety
information had the whole plane looking at each other like
'what the heck?' (Getting Seattle people to look at each
other is an accomplishment.) So once we got airborne, I took
out my laptop and typed up what she said so I wouldn't
forget. I've left out a few parts I'm sure, but this is most
of it."

Before takeoff... Hello and welcome to Alaska Flight 438 to
San Francisco. If you're going to San Francisco, you're in
the right place. If you're not going to San Francisco,
you're about to have a really long evening.

We'd like to tell you now about some important safety
features of this aircraft.

The most important safety feature we have aboard this plane
is... the flight attendants. Please look at one now.

There are five exits aboard this plane: two at the front,
two over the wings, and one out the plane's rear end. If
you're seated in one of the exit rows, please do not store
your bags by your feet. That would be a really bad idea.
Please take a moment and look around and find the nearest
exit. Count the rows of seats between you and the exit. In
the event that the need arises to find one, trust me, you'll
be glad you did. (This is excellent advice, and something I
always do.) We have pretty blinking lights on the floor that
will blink in the direction of the exits. White ones along
the normal rows, and pretty red ones at the exit rows.

In the event of a loss of cabin pressure, these baggy things
will drop down over your head. You stick it over your nose
and mouth like the flight attendant is doing now. The bag
won't inflate, but there's oxygen there, promise.

If you are sitting next to a small child, or someone who is
acting like a small child, please do us all a favor and put
on your mask first. If you are traveling with two or more
children, please take a moment now to decide which one is
your favorite. Help that one first, and then work your way
down.

In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet about the
safety features of this plane. I usually use it as a fan
when I'm having my own personal summer. It makes a very good
fan. It also has pretty pictures. Please take it out and
play with it now.

Please take a moment now to make sure your seat belts are
fastened low and tight about your waist. To fasten the belt,
insert the metal tab into the buckle. To release, it's a
pulley thing -- not a pushy thing like your car because
you're in an airplane -- HELLO!!

There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. There is
also no smoking in the lavatories. If we see smoke coming
from the lavatories, we will assume you are on fire and put
you out. This is a free service we provide. There are two
smoking sections on this flight, one outside each wing exit.
We do have a movie in the smoking sections tonight ... hold
on, let me check what it is .... Oh here it is; the movie
tonight is Gone with the Wind.

In a moment we will be turning off the cabin lights, and
it's going to get really dark, really fast. If you're afraid
of the dark, now would be a good time to reach up and press
the yellow button. The yellow button turns on your reading
light. Please don't press the orange button unless you
absolutely have to. The orange button is your seat ejection
button.

We're glad to have you with us on board this flight. Thank
you for choosing Alaska Air and giving us your business and
your money. If there's anything we can do to make you more
comfortable, please don't hesitate to ask.

If you all weren't strapped down, you would have given me a
standing ovation, wouldn't you?

After landing... Welcome to the San Francisco International
Airport. Sorry about the bumpy landing. It's not the
captain's fault. It's not the copilot's fault. It's the
Asphalt.

Please remain seated until the plane is parked at the gate.
At no time in history has a passenger beaten a plane to the
gate. So please don't even try.

Please be careful opening the overhead bins because "shift
happens."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Getting Closer

Our son is in the Army, stationed in Georgia. He invited my husband
and I for a visit.

After driving endlessly through unfamiliar streets in search of an
entrance to Fort Stewart, my husband suddenly said, "We're getting closer."

"How do you know?" I asked.

He pointed to a sign that read:

Sonny's Bar-B-Q
Tank Parking Available
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Two friends rented a boat and fished in a lake everyday.

One day they caught 30 fish. One guy said to his friend,
"Mark this spot, so that we can come back here tomorrow."

The next day, as they were driving to rent the boat,the first guy
asked his friend,"Did you mark that spot?"

His friend replied,"Yeah, I put a big 'X' on the bottom of the boat."

The first one said,"You stupid fool! What if we don't get that same boat today?!?"

Friday, December 30, 2005

hUMOR For Dec. 30th

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Mouse Mom"
A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacks them. The mother mouse yells, "BARK!" and the cat runs away.
"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's important to learn a foreign language?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Quote
"An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest."
- Spanish proverb
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Philosophy"
A friend of mine was a philosophy major during his first semester in college. One day in a the class, they spent a great deal of time debating whether the glass was half full or half empty.
After the class, my friend was feeling pretty good about himself and what he was learning at university, so when he went home, he tried to continue the discussion with his family.
With maximum drama, he took a 12 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured in 6 ounces of water. Then took it into the dining room and placed it in the middle of the table.
He proudly asked his family, "Can anyone tell me whether this glass is half full or half empty."
Without missing a beat, his grandmother replied, "Depends if you're drinking or pouring."
(Featured Illustrations items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Having moved 15 times during our 37-year marriage, my
husband and I appreciate movers who take the time to label
carefully boxes they pack for us.

The accuracy of labels can make a huge difference when we
try to find something right away.

My favorite was done by one guy who attached this sticker to
a box -- obviously not knowing how to spell the best
one-word description: "Animals you hit with a stick at a
Mexican party."

(The one-word description is a Pinata. For those that might
not know what a pinata is loo here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pinata )
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1. Birds of a feather flock together ... and crap on your car.
2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to lookfor it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
3. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
4. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
5. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
6. A penny saved is a government oversight.
7. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
8. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
9. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
10. He who hesitates is probably right.
11. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
12. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
13. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
14. Did you ever notice: When you put together "THE" and "IRS," it spells "THEIRS.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Say Something Positive

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing
in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.

"You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old
woman. My face is all wrinkled, my hair is grey, my shoulders are
hunched over, I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby." She
turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me
feel better about myself."

He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a
soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

Services for the husband will be held Saturday morning at 10:30 at
St. Anselm's Memorial Chapel.
Say Something Positive

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing
in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.

"You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old
woman. My face is all wrinkled, my hair is grey, my shoulders are
hunched over, I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby." She
turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me
feel better about myself."

He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a
soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

Services for the husband will be held Saturday morning at 10:30 at
St. Anselm's Memorial Chapel.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There was a guy walking in the woods one night. As he
walked further he fell off the side of a cliff and
just as he fell, he reached and grab a tree branch.

He thought for sure he was going to die, but he
remember learning as a child: when you're in trouble
call on God.

So he called up to Heaven, "Lord are you up there?"

A few seconds go by and not a word from heaven.

The man calls again, "Lord are you up there?" And
again the lord did not response.

This time the man made a promise to God, "if you are
there I will serve you if you help me."

The Lord responded and said, "my son do you trust me?"

"Yes," replied the man.

The Lord ask him again, "my son do you trust me"?

"Yes I do", replied the man.

God said, "let the branch go."

A few seconds of silence go by, and the man yelled,
"is there anybody else up there?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Long, long ago an old Indian chief was about to die,
so he called for Geronimo and Falling Rocks, the two
bravest warriors in his tribe. The chief instructed
each to go out and seek buffalo skins. Whoever
returned with the most skins would be chief.

About a month later Geronimo came back with one
hundred pelts; sadly, Falling Rocks never returned.

Today as you drive through the West you can see the
evidence of love and devotion the tribe had for this
brave. At nearly every mile marker there are signs
saying. . .

"Watch for Falling Rocks."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dr. Leroy, the head psychiatrist at the local mental
hospital, is examining patients to see if they're
cured and ready to re-enter society.

"So, Mr. Clark," the doctor says to one of his
patients, "I see by your chart that you've been
recommended for dismissal. Do you have any idea what
you might do once you're released?"

The patient thinks for a moment, then replies, "Well,
I went to school for mechanical engineering. That's
still a good field, good money there.

But on the other hand, I thought I might write a book
about my experience here in the hospital, what it's
like to be a patient here. People might be interested
in reading a book like that. Some of the new
treatments and medications have developed in recent
years. And the classes in life skills and using
computers and connecting with people on the internet
have helped me feel more real and in touch with the
world.

In addition, I thought I might go back to college and
study art history, which I've grown interested in
lately, or maybe website design."

Dr. Leroy nods and says, "Yes, those all sound like
intriguing possibilities."

The patient replies, "And the best part is, in my
spare time, I can continue being a teapot and post
stuff to Yahoo groups."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Even the most pious among us must laugh at some of
these. It is HUMOR...pure and simple.

I don't care WHO you are, you're not walking on the
water while I'm fishing.

A good sermon should have a good beginning and a good
ending, and they should be as close together as
possible.

Definition of Atheism: a non-prophet organization.

Photons have mass!?! I didn't even know they were
Catholic.

Since God is watching us, the least we can do is be
entertaining.

I'm convinced God put me here to accomplish a certain
number of things. Right now, I'm so far behind I'll
never die!

When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven
is like the IRS.

Adam to Eve: I'll wear the plants in this family!

The lion and the calf shall lie down together, but the
calf won't get much sleep.

On the sixth day, God created the platypus. And God
said, "Let's see the evolutionists try and figure this
one out."

If God is inside us, then I hope he likes fajitas,
cause that's what He's getting tonight.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Three mothers were sitting around comparing notes on
their exemplary offspring. "There never was a daughter
more devoted than my Alice," said.

Mrs. Davis with a sniff. "Every summer she takes me to
the Catskills for a week, and every winter we spend a
week at Delray Beach."

"That's nothing compared to what my Anna does for me,"
declared Mrs. Jones proudly. "Every winter she treats
me to two weeks in Miami, and in the summer two weeks
in the Hampton, in my own private guest house."

Mrs. Smith sat back with a proud smile. "Nobody loves
her mother like my Jackie does. Nobody."

"So what does she do?" asked the two women, turning to
her.

"Three times a week she gets into a cab, goes to the
best psychiatrist in the city, and pays him a hundred
and fifty dollars an hour - just to talk about me!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
No Offence...

Say What?

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to
a counter in a dept. store and asks - "W-w-w-where's
the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"

The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and
says nothing.

The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where's the
m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"

Again, the clerk doesn't answer him.

The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where's the
m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"

And the clerk just seems to ignore him. Finally, the
guy is angry and storms off.

The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy
asks the clerk, "Why wouldn't you answer that guy's
question?"

The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I
w-w-w-want to get h-h-h-him ups-s-set s-s-s-since I
also st-st-st-stutter?!!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HOW TO STAY YOUNG Its really sort of simple:

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age,
weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them.
That is why you pay them.

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you
down. (keep this in mind if you are one of those
grouches;)

3. Keep learning: Learn more about the computer,
crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain get
idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the
devil's name is Alzheimer's!

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp
for breath. And if you have a friend who makes you
laugh, spend lots and lots of time with HIM/HER.

6. The tears happen: Endure, grieve, and move on. The
only person who is with us our entire life, is
ourselves. LIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love: Whether it's
family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies,
whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If
it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you
can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall,
even to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT
to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at
every opportunity.

Thursday, December 29, 2005

hUMOR For Dec. 29th

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"Rope Response "
A young fellow just starting into cattle ranching called the old cowboy one rainy evening and said he had a cow with problems having a calf.
The old cowboy got his rope, and drove thru the rain to his neighbor's house. The cow was standing out in the rain with her calf next to her. The old cowboy thought she should be examined anyway.
"Has she ever had a rope on her"?
"Oh, yeah, yeah! Last year!
The old cowboy twirled his rope over his head and made a perfect cast. As soon as the rope went over the cow's head, she bolted. In a dead run, she pulled the old cowboy around the corral on his stomach, full length in the mud, three times around the corral. The old cowboy finally got her stopped, and looking at the young man in a rage said," I thought you said she'd had a rope on her before!"
"I had a rope on her last year, and she did the same thing."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's CleanLaugh - "Rope Response "
A young fellow just starting into cattle ranching called the old cowboy one rainy evening and said he had a cow with problems having a calf.
The old cowboy got his rope, and drove thru the rain to his neighbor's house. The cow was standing out in the rain with her calf next to her. The old cowboy thought she should be examined anyway.
"Has she ever had a rope on her"?
"Oh, yeah, yeah! Last year!
The old cowboy twirled his rope over his head and made a perfect cast. As soon as the rope went over the cow's head, she bolted. In a dead run, she pulled the old cowboy around the corral on his stomach, full length in the mud, three times around the corral. The old cowboy finally got her stopped, and looking at the young man in a rage said," I thought you said she'd had a rope on her before!"
"I had a rope on her last year, and she did the same thing."

Today's Oneliner
"The meeting of the clairvoyant society has been cancelled due to unforseen circumstances."

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Cage Elevator"
There's this cathedral that's still being worked on, and the workers have rigged a "cage elevator" inside so they can get material up and down to the upper floors. A characteristic of these "cage elevators" is that the doors
(gates) must be closed manually for them to be "called" to another floor.
One day one of the workers, named Peter, takes the elevator to the top floor, and it is subsequently needed on the first floor by the sexton. Unfortunately, Peter forgot and left the door open. After the sexton rings for the elevator a couple times, to no avail, he yells up for the worker to send the lift back down.
Visitors to the cathedral witnessed the sexton of the cathedral, with his head tipped up, yelling to the heavens, "Peter! Close the gates!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Christmas was over. Santa and his reindeer finally had a
chance to rest. And they deserved it. They had done a good
job.

Rudolph had a chance to do something he had wanted to do for
a long time. He made an appointment with a plastic surgeon
because he was so sensitive about his looks. However, it
wasn't his glowing proboscis that he wanted changed. He was
proud of his nose and the help he had given Santa because of
it. No, he was sensitive about his long ears, which were
much more prominent than the ears of the average reindeer,
or bear for that matter.

So one week after Christmas, he let the good doctor do the
pinna reconstructive surgery procedure, and since that time,
January 1st has been celebrated as New Ears Day.

Happy New Ears Day!

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

hUMOR For Dec. 28th!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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"Waist Deep"
While driving through Buffalo after a heavy snow storm, a motorist noted a cop, apparently waist deep in snow, directing traffic. Feeling sorry for him, the motorist called out "I'm sorry you have to work half buried in the snow."
The cop called back "Don't feel sorry for me, feel sorry for my horse!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's CleanQuote
"I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game *he* was watching was better."
- Steven Wright
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Illustration. - "Self Control "
Flying to San Francisco from San Diego the other day, a passenger noticed that the "Fasten Seat Belts" sign was kept lit during the whole journey although the flight was a particularly smooth one.
Just before landing, he asked the stewardess about it.
"Well," she explained, up front there are 17 University of San Diego girls going to San Francisco for the weekend.
In back, there are 25 Navy recruits out on weekend liberty.
"What would you do?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Murphy and his wife, a middle-aged couple, went for a stroll in the park. They sit down on a bench to rest for awhile. Soon they overhear voices coming from a secluded spot nearby. Suddenly Mrs. Murphy realizes that a young man is about to propose.
Not wanting to be eavesdropping during such an intimate moment, she gently nudges her husband and whispers, "Whistle to let that young couple know that someone can hear them."
To which Murphy replies, "Whistle? Why should I whistle? Nobody whistled to warn me?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
G.K. Chesterton and several other literary figures
were once asked what book they would prefer to have
with them if they were stranded on a desert island.

"The complete works of Shakespeare," said one writer
without hesitation.

"I choose the Bible," said another.

"How about you?" they asked Chesterton.

"I would choose Thomas' Guide to Practical
Shipbuilding," replied Chesterton.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The rules for the Internet Detox Center are as
follows:

All words written must be in full form. (No shorthand)

Group Therapy is not to be mistaken as a chat room.

The words LOL, Bling, A/S/L, and Pic, Are forbidden.

When a person stalls, its not to be considered as
"Lagging."

The shakes that come in forms of an "Air Keyboard" are
to be treated ASAP.

Going to sleep is not to be mistaken as signing off.

One on One therapy is not to be mistaken as an
"Instant Message," "Personnel Massage," "Paging," Or
"Lofting."

All records must be file on paper using black ink. (No
computers allowed -- period.)

No "nicknames" allowed because of the "screen name"
factor.

When your treatment is over and you leave you are NOT
considered to have been "Booted."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A little kid's starting in kindergarten. The teacher
says, "Every day you have to put on a clean pair of
underwear." By Saturday, he couldn't get his pants on.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A woman walks in a store to return a pair of
eyeglasses that she had purchased for her husband a
week before. "What seems to be the problem, madam?"

"I'm returning these glasses I bought for my husband.
He's still not seeing things my way."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Miss Simons agreed to be interviewed by Alec for the
school magazine.

"How old are you, Miss Simons?" asked Alec. "I'm not
going to tell you that."

"But Mr. Hill the technical teacher and Mrs. Hill the
math teacher told me how old they were."

"Oh well" said Miss Simon.

"I'm a year older than them."

The poor teacher was not happy when she read what Alec
had wrote. 'Miss Simons, our English teacher, is older
than the Hills.'
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
More for the kids...

"When did you get your husband?"

"On Manday."

"And when did he select you for his bride?"

"On Chooseday."

"And you got married?"

"On Wedsday."

"And when the children came, when were they the
happiest?'

"On Toysday."

"But you finally had to consult a psychologist?"

"On Freuday."

"Because you found yourself feeling low?"

"On Sadderday."

"And were avoiding everybody?"

"On Shunday."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I spent all my money on a limousine and have nothing
to chauffeur it.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just read that last year 4,153,237 people got
married. I don't want to start any trouble, but
shouldn't that be an even number?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why did the Siamese twins go to a shrink? They were
co-dependent.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Marti -- Crabby Old Woman

When an old lady died in the geriatric ward of a small
hospital near Dundee, Scotland, it was believed that
she had nothing left of any value. Later, when the
nurses were going through her meager possessions, they
found this poem. Its quality and content so impressed
the staff that copies were made and distributed to
every nurse in the hospital.

One nurse took her copy to Ireland. The old lady's
sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the
Christmas edition of the News Magazine of the North
Ireland Association for Mental Health. A slide
presentation has also been made based on her simple,
but eloquent, poem. And this little old Scottish lady,
with nothing left to give to the world, is now the
author of this "anonymous" poem winging across the
Internet:

Crabby Old Woman

What do you see, nurses?
What do you see?
What are you thinking
When you're looking at me?

A crabby old woman,
Not very wise,
Uncertain of habit,
With faraway eyes?

Who dribbles her food
And makes no reply
When you say in a loud voice,
"I do wish you'd try!"

Who seems not to notice
The things that you do,
And forever is losing
A stocking or shoe?

Who, resisting or not,
Lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding,
The long day to fill?

Is that what you're thinking?
Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse,
You're not looking at me.
I'll tell you who I am
As I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding,
As I eat at your will.
I'm a small child of ten
With a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters,
Who love one another.

A young girl of sixteen
With wings on her feet
Dreaming that soon now
A lover she'll meet.
A bride soon at twenty,
My heart gives a leap,
Remembering the vows
That I promised to keep

At twenty-five now,
I have young of my own,
Who need me to guide
And a secure happy home.
A woman of thirty,
My young now grown fast,
Bound to each other
With ties that should last.

At forty, my young sons
Have grown and are gone,
But my man's beside me
To see I don't mourn.

At fifty once more,
Babies play round my knee,
Again we know children,
My loved one and me.

Dark days are upon me,
My husband is dead,
I look at the future,
I shudder with dread.

For my young are all rearing
Young of their own,
And I think of the years
And the love that I've known.

I'm now an old woman
And nature is cruel;
'Tis jest to make old age
Look like a fool.

The body, it crumbles,
Grace and vigor depart,
There is now a stone
Where I once had a heart.
But inside this old carcass
A young girl still dwells,
And now and again,
My battered heart swells.

I remember the joys,
I remember the pain,
And I'm loving and living
Life over again.

I think of the years
All too few, gone too fast,
And accept the stark fact
That nothing can last.

So open your eyes, people,
Open and see,
Not a crabby old woman;
Look closer . . . see ME!!

Rmember this poem when you next meet an old person.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm Tired!

Christmas was finally over and the Pastor's wife dropped into an easy
chair saying, "Boy! Am I ever tried."

Her husband looked over at her and said, "I had to conduct two
special services last night, three today, and give a total of five
sermons. Why are you so tired?"

"Dear," she replied, "I had to listen to all of them."

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

hUMOR For Dec. 27th

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OK, here's my attempt to make it up for the Texas
jokes... sort of...

RULES TO ENTER TEXAS:

1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel
road." I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No
matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on
your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

3. They are cattle & oil wells. That's what they smell
like to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it.
Don't like it? I-20 and I- 10 go east and west, I-35
goes north and south. Pick one.

4. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have
$250,000 cotton strippers that are driven only 3 weeks
a year.

5. So every! person in every pickup waves. It's called
being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are
coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You
better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the
time.

7. Yeah, we eat catfish & crawfish. You really want
sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait
shop.

8. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer
season. It's a religious holiday held the closest
Saturday to the first of November.

9. We open doors for women. That is applied to all
women, regardless of age.

10. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu.
Order steak. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and
pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.

11. When we fill out a table, there are three main
dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three
spices: salt, pepper, and Picante Sauce. Oh, yeah..!
.. We don't care what you folks! in Cincinnati call
that stuff you eat... It AIN'T REAL CHILI!! Chili was
born and bred in San Antonio.... and real chili never
met a tomato!

12. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be
brown, wet, and served over ice. You bring "Mary
Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how to
shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

13. College and High School Football is as important
here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site
more fun to watch.

14. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the
water hazards - it spooks the fish.

15. Colleges? Try Texas,Texas A&M or Texas Tech. They
come outta there with an education plus a love for God
and country, and they still wave at passing pickups
when they come for the holidays.

16. We have more folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force,
and Marines, than any other state, so "Don't Mess with
Texas" If you do, it will get you whipped by the best.

17. Always remember what our great governor Sam
Houston once said: "Texas can make it without the
United States, but the United States can't make it
without Texas."

******************************************************

This is offered to me as true... funny either way...

A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a
case of rare, very expensive cigars, insured them
against ... get this ... fire. Within a month, having
smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and
having yet to make a single premium payment on the
policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance
company. In his claim, the man stated that he had lost
the cigars in "a series of small fires." The insurance
company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that
the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion.

The man sued... and won! In delivering his ruling, the
judge stated that since the man held a policy from the
company in which it had warranted that the cigars were
insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure
the cigars against fire, without defining what it
considered to be "unacceptable fire," it was obligated
to compensate the insured for his loss. Rather than
endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the
insurance company accepted the judge's ruling and paid
the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the
fires."

After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance
company had him arrested ... on 24 counts of arson!
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the
previous case being used as evidence against him, the
man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare
cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one-year terms!

******************************************************

For the golfers on the list...

A golf pro dragged himself into the clubhouse looking
as though he'd just escaped a tornado.

"What's wrong?" a woman asked.

"I just lost a game to Houlihan," the pro said.

"What? But Houlihan's the worst player I've ever seen.
How could he have beaten you?"

"He tricked me," the pro said. "On the first tee, he
asked for a handicap. I told him he could have 30, 40,
50 strokes - any handicap he wanted. He said, 'Just
give me two gotchas.'"

"What's a gotcha?" asked the woman.

"That's what I wanted to know," the pro said.
"Houlihan said, 'You'll see.' Then, as I was teeing
off, just as I had my club poised, he screamed out
'Gotcha!'"

"I can guess what happened," the woman said.

"Sure," the pro said. "The scream threw me off, and I
missed the ball completely."

"Understandable," the woman said. "But still, that's
only one swing. How did he win the game?"

The pro answered, "You try swinging at a golf ball
while waiting for that second 'gotcha!'"

******************************************************

A blonde decided to redecorate her bedroom. She wasn't
sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need, but
she knew that her friend blonde friend from next door
had recently done the same job and the two rooms were
identical in size.

"Buffy," she said, "how many rolls of wallpaper did
you buy for your bedroom?"

"Ten," said Buffy.

So the blonde bought the ten rolls of paper and did
the job, but she had 2 rolls leftover.

"Buffy," she said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper
for the bedroom, but I've got 2 leftover!"

"Yes," said Buffy. "So did I."

******************************************************

A husband and wife had quarreled for a quite a while.
After a cool down period, the wife went to her husband
the next morning and asked, "Honey, what are you
doing?"

Her husband tried to hide the document in hand and
mumbled, "Nothing."

His wife, who had seen what the document was, became
very upset. "Nothing? I see you reading our Marriage
certificate. Why you even got out a magnifying glass!
You've been looking that over upside down, backwards,
forwards, every which way! What's that all about?"

Dejected, her husband said, "Well, if you must know, I
was looking for the expiration date!"

******************************************************

A traveler afoot in the mountains came upon a
terrifying scene. In front of a lonely mountain cabin,
a man was in deadly combat with a huge bear, while his
wife sat on a stump nearby with a rifle across her
lap.

"Why don't you shoot that beast?" cried the traveler.

"I will if I have to," she replied tersely, "but he's
a drunken, no-good bum and I'm hoping the bear will
save me the trouble."

******************************************************

JEST FOR KIDS THE RIDDLES

Why did the fish jump onto the television? So it could
swim in different channels. (Justine, 8)

Why did the jelly roll? Because he saw the apple
turnover!

Why did the farmer talk to his corn field. Because it
was all ears. (Rachel, 8)

What is a frogs favorite time? Leap Year!

What do you get when you cross a dinosaur with a
pig?Jurassic Pork! (Hank, 9)

What did the cat rest its head on when it went to
sleep? A Cat-er-pillow

What do you call a man who's a radio announcer? Mike

******************************************************

JEST FOR KIDS THE PUNS

An arch criminal is one who robs shoe stores.

Every time I put on some trousers, my wardrobe gets
depleated.

Check out books at the library. It's a novel idea.

An elevator makes ghosts happy because it lifts the
spirits

A baker quit making donuts because he got tired of the
hole thing.

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

Captains of ships have a lot of latitude.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Feeding Shamu

At Sea World, our grandson absolutely refused to see the show
featuring Shamu the killer whale, but he wouldn't tell us why.

No amount of discussion could get him to change his mind.

Later, when we got home, we discovered the reason for his reluctance.

An aunt had told him how exciting the show would be because "They
choose children from the audience to feed Shamu."

Monday, December 26, 2005

hUMOR For Dec. 26th

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's just a small white envelope stuck among the branches of
our Christmas tree. No name, no identification, no
inscription. It has peeked through the branches of our tree
for the past 10 years or so.

It all began because my husband Mike hated Christmas -- oh,
not the true meaning of Christmas, but the commercial
aspects of it -- the overspending, the frantic running
around at the last minute to get a tie for Uncle Harry and
the dusting powder for Grandma -- the gifts given in
desperation because you couldn't think of anything else.

Knowing he felt this way, I decided one year to bypass the
usual shirts, sweaters, ties, and so forth. I reached for
something special just for Mike. The inspiration came in an
unusual way.

Our son Kevin, who was 12 that year, was wrestling at the
junior level at the school he attended. Shortly before
Christmas, there was a non-league match against a team
sponsored by an inner-city church.

These youngsters, dressed in sneakers so ragged that
shoestrings seemed to be the only thing holding them
together, presented a sharp contrast to our boys in their
spiffy blue and gold uniforms and sparkling new wrestling
shoes. As the match began, I was alarmed to see that the
other team was wrestling without headgear, a kind of light
helmet designed to protect a wrestler's ears. It was a
luxury the ragtag team obviously could not afford.

Well, we ended up walloping them. We took every weight
class. And as each of their boys got up from the mat, he
swaggered around in his tatters with false bravado, a kind
of street pride that couldn't acknowledge defeat. Mike,
seated beside me, shook his head sadly, "I wish just one of
them could have won," he said. "They have a lot of
potential, but losing like this could take the heart right
out of them." Mike loved kids -- all kids -- and he knew
them, having coached little league football, baseball, and
lacrosse.

That's when the idea for his present came. That afternoon, I
went to a local sporting goods store and bought an
assortment of wrestling headgear and shoes and sent them
anonymously to the inner-city church. On Christmas Eve, I
placed the envelope on the tree, the note inside telling
Mike what I had done and that this was his gift from me. His
smile was the brightest thing about Christmas that year and
in succeeding years.

For each Christmas, I followed the tradition -- one year
sending a group of mentally handicapped youngsters to a
hockey game, another year a check to a pair of elderly
brothers whose home had burned to the ground the week before
Christmas, and on and on.

The envelope became the highlight of our Christmas. It was
always the last thing opened on Christmas morning, and our
children, ignoring their new toys, would stand with
wide-eyed anticipation as their dad lifted the envelope from
the tree to reveal its contents.

As the children grew, the toys gave way to more practical
presents, but the envelope never lost its allure. The story
doesn't end there. You see, we lost Mike last year due to
dreaded cancer. When Christmas rolled around, I was still so
wrapped in grief that I barely got the tree up. But
Christmas Eve found me placing an envelope on the tree, and
in the morning it was joined by three more.

Each of our children, unbeknownst to the others, had placed
an envelope on the tree for their dad. The tradition has
grown and someday will expand even further with our
grandchildren standing around the tree with wide-eyed
anticipation watching as their fathers take down the
envelope.

Mike's spirit, like the Christmas spirit, will always be
with us. May we all remember Christ, who is the reason for
the season, and the true Christmas spirit this year and
always.

God Bless! -- pass this along to your friends and loved
ones.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Roosters do NOT crow at the sun. Hens are scratching
for bugs at sunrise and the rooster is letting them
and all the others know they are his chickens, in his
territory.

The fighting men of ancient Greece wore only one
sandal, on the left foot, for kicking purposes.
Thus, the military evolved to start ceremonies on the
combat foot. It was also considered bad manners at a
friend's house to step on his threshold with your left
foot.

King Alexander of Greece died from blood poisoning
after being bitten by a pet monkey in 1920.

Need to ask a favor? Try your luck on Thursday.
That's when people feel most agreeable, according to a
study from McGill University in Montreal. Avoid
touchy subjects on Wednesday, when people are most
quarrelsome.

The tallest waterfalls in the world are Angel Falls in
Venezuela. At 979 m (3,212 ft), they are 19 times
taller than the Niagara Falls, or three times taller
than the Empire State Building. Although the Angel
Falls are much taller than the Niagara Falls, the
latter are much wider, and they both pour about the
same amount of water over their edges-- about 2,8
billion litres (748 million gallons) per second.

This fall millions of bats will migrate south.
Although they may scare the java out of you, these
creepy little critters play a crucial role in coffee
growing. Bats consume harmful insects that feed on
coffee plants. Also not only do they disperse seeds
from plants and trees, but their droppings (guano) are
an extremely rich fertilizer.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Laundry Rules

Pajamas -- Do not put pajamas in the dirty clothes
after only one wear. It is a scientific fact that you
do not get dirty while you sleep. Pajamas can be
worn many times before they smell bad enough to
warrant being thrown in the dirty clothes. Exception:
You may put pajamas in the dirty clothes if you throw
up on them or something else that may be deemed
disgusting, but only if they stink.

Socks -- Unroll your socks before putting them in the
dirty clothes. Otherwise, I will start washing and
drying them in their original rolled up little balls.
Special note: Unroll socks before throwing them down
the laundry chute. If you don't, the law of physics
causes them to bounce off the washer and land behind
the washer or dryer, and Mom is getting to old to
crawl back there and fish them out.

Clothes Hung Up -- Clean clothes can be easily removed
from the clothes bar by gently lifting up on the
hanger and pulling towards you. The clean item can
now be removed from the hanger for wearing. The wrong
way to remove clean clothes is to YANK on one corner
of the garment. This causes the hanger to go flying
around the clothes bar, scratching the wall and
becoming impossibly entangled with the neighboring
hangers. Special note: This makes Mom want to choke
children. So far, she has been able to refrain from
this action.

Dirty Clothes Rule -- If you have made the decision to
put something in the dirty clothes, do not later
decide that you, for some reason, now need to retrieve
it by digging through the clothes baskets, leaving
behind a mess that looks like a small tornado whipped
through the laundry room, leaving a scene of
devastation in its wake. Special note: The only thing
worse than having to put stinking clothes in the
laundry baskets is having to do it over and over and
over.

Pockets -- Check your own pockets before you put dirty
items (again, make sure they are dirty first) in the
laundry room. Have you ever tried to pick tiny pieces
of white paper off an entire load of dark clothes? No?
I thought not! But the next time this occurs, you will
have the pleasure of this experience. Special note: In
the future, all money found in pockets becomes the
property of the laundry-doer, and that most assuredly
will be Mom, who hopes to be able to save up for a
Caribbean cruise, which she will go on alone. She has
heard that you don't have to do laundry while you are
on a cruise!

Folded Clothes Rule -- When those clean clothes
miraculously appear on your bed or chair, graciously
thank the saintly person who lovingly placed them
there and PUT THEM AWAY! Special note: Failure to do
this in the future will result in a generous
contribution to the Goodwill.

General Dirty Clothes Rule -- If they aren't dirty,
why the heck are they in the laundry room? Put them
back in your closet or drawers. When you decide to try
something on and decide that it will not make the
fashion statement you were looking for that particular
day, think twice before you make that conscious
decision that it is easier to throw the item in the
dirty clothes rather than hanging it back up. Again,
the Goodwill would love to have these items, as their
fashion standards must not be as high as yours.

Laundry Sharing -- In the future, each of you will be
required to do one load of laundry a week.
Instructions will be provided. Mom feels that the joy
of this household chore should be shared, and she has
been very selfish about this in the past. She also
feels that this is a necessary life skill, and without
it, you may not ever want to leave home. This would
not be in the best interest of your parents.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
10 most stupid questions people usually ask in obvious
situations and some equally stupid answers:-

1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends

Stupid Question:- Hey, what are you doing here?

Answer:- Well, it's so hot, there were no cool cabs so
I thought I'd watch some advertisements in the cool
comfort of the theatre.

2. In the bus: A fat girl wearing pointed high-heeled
shoes steps on your feet

Stupid Question:- Sorry, did that hurt?

Answer:- No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.....
why don't you try again or should I try this time.

3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask

Stupid Question:- Why, why him, of all people.

Answer:- Why? Would it rather have been you?

4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter

Stupid Question:- Is the "blah blah blah" dish good

Answer:- No, its teribble and made of adulterated
cement. We occasionaly also spit in it.

5. At a family get-together.When some distant aunt
meets you after years

Stupid Question:- Munna, Chickoo, you've become so
big.

Answer:- Well you haven't particularly shrunk
yourself.

6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask

Stupid Question:- Is the guy you're marrying good?

Answer:- No, he's a miserable wife-beating,
insensitive lout...it's just the money.

7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call

Stupid Question:- Sorry. were you sleeping.

Answer:- No. I was playing cricket for India at
Sharjah and just when you called Salim Malik was
betting with me that Pakistan would win. What do you
think?

8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently
shorter hair

Stupid Question:- Hey have you had a haircut?

Answer:- No, its autumn and I'm shedding......

9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects
in your mouth

Stupid Question:- Tell me if it hurts?

Answer:- And while I'm telling you, you tell me if I
bite.

10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks

Stupid Question:- Oh, so you smoke

Answer:- No, it's a miracle... it was a chalk and now
it's in flames!!!

Sunday, December 25, 2005

hUMOR For Dec. 25th

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Gift That Keeps on Giving

The one present Roy Collette wasn't looking forward to getting for
Christmas 1988 was those pants. Yet he knew he was in trouble as soon
as the flatbed truck bearing a concrete-filled tank off a truck used
to deliver ready-mix rolled up. Sure as God made little green apples,
those pants had to be in there. And he was going to have to fish them
out, else declare his brother-in-law the winner of a rivalry that had
spanned 20 years.

Being the sport he is, brother-in-law Larry Kunkel thoughtfully
supplied the services of a crane to hoist the concrete-filled tank
off the flatbed.

What's this game, you ask? What was the significance of these pants,
and why were two grown men going to such efforts year after year to
retrieve them, only to send them off again?

It all began in 1964 when Larry Kunkel's mom gave him a pair of
moleskin pants. After wearing them a few times, he found they froze
stiff in Minnesota winters and thus wouldn't do. That next Christmas,
he wrapped the garment in pretty paper and presented it to his brother-in-law.

Brother-in-law Roy Collette discovered he didn't want them either. He
bided his time until the Christmas after, then packaged them up and
gave them back to Kunkel. This yearly exchange proceeded amicably
until one year Collette twisted the pants tightly and stuffed them
into a 3-foot-long, 1-inch wide pipe.

And so the game began. Year after year, as the pants were shuffled
back and forth, the brothers strove to make unwrapping them more
difficult, perhaps in the hope of ending the tradition. In
retaliation for the pipe, Kunkel compressed the pants into a 7-inch
square, wrapped them with wire and gave the "bale" to Collette. Not
to be outdone, Collette put the pants into a 2-foot-square crate
filled with stones, nailed it shut, banded it with steel and gave the
trusty trousers back to Kunkel.

The brothers agreed to end the caper if the trousers were damaged.
But they were as careful as they were clever. As the game evolved, so
did the rules. Only "legal and moral" methods of wrapping were
permitted. Wrapping expenses were kept to a minimum with only junk
parts used. Kunkel next had the pants mounted inside an insulated
window that had a 20-year guarantee and shipped them off to Collette.

Collette broke the glass, recovered the trousers, stuffed them into a
5-inch coffee can, which he soldered shut. The can was put in a
5-gallon container filled with concrete and reinforcing rods and
given to Kunkel the following Christmas.

Kunkel installed the pants in a 225-pound homemade steel ashtray made
from 8-inch steel casings and etched Collette's name on the side.
Collette had trouble retrieving the treasured trousers, but succeeded
without burning them with a cutting torch.

Collette found a 600-pound safe and hauled it to Viracon Inc. in
Owatonna, where the shipping department decorated it with red and
green stripes, put the pants inside and
welded the safe shut. The safe was then shipped to Kunkel, who was
the plant manager for Viracon's outlet in Bensenville.

The pants next turned up in a drab green, 3-foot cube that once was a
1974 Gremlin. A note attached to the 2,000-pound scrunched car
advised Collette that the pants were inside the glove compartment.

In 1982 Kunkel faced the problem of retrieving the pants from a tire
8 feet high and 2 feet wide and filled with 6,000 pounds of concrete.
On the outside Collette had
written, "Have a Goodyear."

In 1983 the pants came back to Collette in a 17.5-foot red rocket
ship filled with concrete and weighing 6 tons. Five feet in diameter,
with pipes 6 inches in diameter outside running the length of the
ship and a launching pad attached to its bottom, the rocket sported a
picture of the pants fluttering atop it. Inside the rocket were 15
concrete-filled canisters, one of which housed the pants.

Collette's revenge for the rocket ship was delivered to Kunkel in the
form of a 4-ton Rubik's Cube in 1985. The cube was made of concrete
that had been baked in a kiln and covered with 2,000 board feet of lumber.

Kunkel "solved the cube," and for 1986 gift-giving repackaged the
pants into a station wagon filled with 170 steel generators all
welded together. Because the pants have to be retrieved undamaged,
Collette was faced with carefully taking apart each component.

What happened to the pants in 1987 is a mystery, and their 1988
packaging (concrete-filled tank) was mentioned at the beginning of
this page. Sadly, 1989's packaging scheme brought the demise of the
much-abused garment.

Collette was inspired to encase the pantaloons in 10,000 pounds of
glass that he would then deposit in Kunkel's front yard. "It would
have been a great one - really messy," Kunkel ruefully admitted. The
pants were shipped to a friend in Tennessee who managed a glass
manufacturing company. While molten glass was being poured over the
insulated container that held them, an oversized chunk fractured,
transforming the pants into a pile of ashes.

The ashes were deposited into a brass urn and delivered to Kunkel
along with this epitaph:

Sorry, Old Man Here lies the Pants. . . An attempt to cast the pants
in glass brought about the demise of the pants at last.

The urn now graces the fireplace mantel in Kunkel's home.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Too True...

When my grandfather was in his late eighties, he
decided he wanted to visit Ireland before he died. As
part of the preparations, he visited his doctor to get
copies of charts and med info his doc thought he
should carry with him.

While there the doc gave him a quick physical and
asked granddad how he was doing. Big mistake, cuz now
the doc got delivered the litany of complaints - this
hurts, that's stiff, this doen't work, I'm tired and
slower, etc. & etc.

The Doctor shook his head and admonished, "Sir, you
have to expect things to start deteriorating. After
all, who wants to live to 100?"

My granddad looked him straight in the eye and with
the swiftness and assurity of a leprechaun sittin' on
his pot of gold, replied, "Any darn fool who's
gettin' close to 99."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Marti -- Household tips for cleaning out
refrigerators:

Eggs: When something starts pecking its way out of the
shell, the egg is probably past its prime.

Dairy Products: Milk is spoiled when it looks like
yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like
cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it
starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is
nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more
spoiled than it already is.

Meat: If opening the refrigerator door causes stray
animals from a three block radius to congregate
outside your kitchen door, the meat is spoiled.

Lettuce: Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it
off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without
kitchen cleanser.

Carrots: A carrot that you can tie in a clove hitch is
not fresh. (Also, if the carrots have turned to liquid
in the original bag, do NOT attempt to drink as carrot
juice.)

Potatoes: Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches
or dense leafy undergrowth.

Canned Goods: Any canned good that has become the
shape or size of a basketball should be disposed of
carefully.

Mayonnaise: If it makes you violently ill after you
eat it, mayonnaise is spoiled.

Chip Dip: If you can take it out of its container and
bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.

General Rule of Thumb: Most food cannot be kept longer
than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a
hamster in your refrigerator to gauge this. (Note: Do
NOT keep the hamster in the refrigerator after HE has
expired. And be sure to check on said hamster!)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to SUNSHINEROSE28 -- Thank You for the Birthday
Card

Hi Roxy and Wade,

few days ago I received your heartwarming birthday
card with all the nice words, I like to say thank you
to you both. Here all is getting better now after the
hurricane storm, the power is back, internet too, also
we have TV again after a long long time without it. We
can go to the Public and buy food, the bank is open
and we can cash money too, and the best of all, we are
able to purchase gasolin again because the gas station
are re-open since few days ago.

My outside garbage which was a disaster because of all
waste in plastic bags, you know our complete roof came
down, so we had to clean up all the roofing cardboard
(schingle) after the storm. During the great heat the
smell was terrible for 3 weeks long we had this
terrible smell of the schingle infront of our entrance
door. Now the garbage people came and picked up all,
thanks god! The FEMA put a plastic blue and now we are
waiting for a roof,... new!!!

Today it is raining a lot and we have the mosquitos
back again... so I can say.. "here we go again"

During the stressful Hurricane Wilma session I learned
to live without ice water and food and only with the
basic (like War II , I remembered a lot my mother
when she told me about no food, and millions of
Germans had nothing, but hope to survive. The ironic
was: There was a place just north of Hollywood, in
Dania Beach, men were seen unloading crates of bottled
water — but no one was there to receive it because we
had no gasolin to drive over and nobody new about it
because everybody had no power and no TV or Radio to
listen to an announcement, furthermore was a curve on,
so we all had to stay in.

After we was alowed to go out there was another
announcement for water and ice and also a warm meal
but the long long line of peoples who had formed all
the streets up to 6 miles was made by error. Everybody
waited for nothing and when peoples after standing 6
hours in line, complained there was police who
directed the situation and they said "shut up"... well
I learned a lot in this almost 2 years hurrican season
since I am in USA and I am really thinking of leaving
this nice state as soon I can.

Now everybody is getting prepared for Thanksgiving and
x-mas and all the shops are full with stuff and items
and people rush out and nobody is talking about
Hurricanes until the next one will come again and we
all have to get reprepaired again!

I do wish you a great Thanksgiving with a big turkey
hopefully you all enjoy it.

All my best to you and thanks again for the birthday
card.

Gaby and Albert
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to J & J R: this is what makes proofreading
hard

olny srmat poelpe can.

cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty
uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of
the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde
Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the
ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is
taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae.
The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it
wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos
not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a
wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling
was ipmorantt!

if you can raed tihs psas it on !!

Saturday, December 24, 2005

hUMOR For Dec. 24th

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to SUNSHINEROSE28 -- Bird Flu

(Sorry in advance, but it was just too funny...

The Center for Disease Control has released a list of
symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the
following, please seek medical treatment immediately:

1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to poop on someone's
windshield
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A college professor had the mysterious habit of
walking into the lecture hall each morning, removing
a tennis ball from his jacket pocket. He would set it
on the corner of the podium. After giving the lecture
for the day, he would once again pick up the tennis
ball, place it into his jacket pocket, and leave the
room. No one ever understood why he did this, until
one day. . ..

A student fell asleep during the lecture. The
professor never missed a word of his lecture while he
walked over to the podium, picked up the tennis ball
and threw it, hitting the sleeping student squarely on
the top of the head.

The next day, the professor walked into the room,
reached into his jacket, removed a baseball. . . No
one ever fell asleep in his class the rest of the
semester!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dear Santa,

I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned, and
cuddled my two children on demand, visited the doctor's
office more than my doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy
bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school
playground, and figured out how to attach nine patches onto
my daughter's girl scout sash with staples and a glue gun.

I was hoping you could spread my list out over several
Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son's
red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room
between cycles, and who knows when I'll find any more free
time in the next 18 years.

Here are my Christmas wishes:

I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache after a day of
chasing kids (in any color, except purple, which I already
have) and arms that don't flap in the breeze, but are strong
enough to carry a screaming toddler out of the candy aisle
in the grocery store.

I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the
seventh month of my last pregnancy.

If you're hauling big ticket items this year, I'd like a car
with fingerprint-resistant windows and a radio that plays
only big-people music; a television that doesn't broadcast
any programs containing talking animals; and a refrigerator
with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can
hide to talk on the phone.

On the practical side, I could use a talking daughter doll
that says, "Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence,
along with one potty-trained toddler, two kids who don't
fight, and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up
without the use of power tools. I could also use a recording
of Tibetan monks chanting, "Don't eat in the living room"
and "Take your hands off your brother," because my voice
seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can
be heard only by the dog.

And please don't forget the Playdoh Travel Pack, the hottest
stocking stuffer this year for mothers of preschoolers. It
comes in three fluorescent colors and is guaranteed to
crumble on any carpet, making the in-laws' house seem just
like mine.

If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle
for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the
same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room
temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam
container.

If you don't mind, I could also use a few Christmas miracles
to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble
to declare ketchup a vegetable? It would clear my conscience
immensely. It would be helpful if you could coerce my
children to help around the house without demanding payment
as if they were the bosses of an organized crime family; or
if my toddler didn't look so cute sneaking downstairs in his
pajamas to eat contraband ice cream at midnight.

Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing and my son
saw my feet under the laundry room door. I think he wants
his crayon back. Have a safe trip and remember to leave your
wet boots by the chimney and come in and dry off by the fire
so you don't catch cold. Help yourself to cookies on the
table, but don't eat too many or leave crumbs on the carpet.

Yours Always, Mom

P.S. One more thing: You can cancel all my requests if you
can keep my children young...
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to G&L R: Christmas Memo

Of the same vain: S. Claus North Pole

I regret to inform you that effective immediately, I
will no longer be able to serve the Southern United
States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming
population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated
by North American Fairies and Elves Local #209. I now
serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois,
Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better
contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and
cookies, so keep that in mind. However, I am certain
that your children will be in good hands with your
local replacement who happens to be my third cousin,
Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South
Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the
good boys and girls. However, there are a few
differences between us such as:

1. There is no danger of The Grinch stealing your
presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his
sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys
insured by Smith and Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers
that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a
moon pie] on the fireplace and Bubba doesn't smoke a
pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an
empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared,
flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the
mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer, one
time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's
fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and
Blitzen..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll
hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and
Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."

5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And
you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I
her'd dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus'
sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the
back with the words "Back off". The last I heard it
also had other decorations on the sleigh as well. One
is a Ford logo with lights that race through the
letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa
Claus) peeing on the Tooth Fairy.

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle
on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not
be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead,
you'll see "Boss Hog Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and
the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus
and dozens of state police cars crashing into each
other.

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd
make sure the wife and the kids turn the other way
when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung
about me, like "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer" and
Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." This
year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the
AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will
be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox";
Cledus T. Judd's "All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman
and a Six Pack", and Johnny Paycheck's "If You Don't
Like Bubba Claus, Shove It."

Sincerely Yours,

Santa Claus

(Member) North American Fairies and Elves
Local #209
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thought you might get a chuckle here
Men Are Just Happier People ...
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
...snip...
No wonder men are happier.
Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will
enjoy reading it

Friday, December 23, 2005

hUMOR For Dec. 23rd

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter
at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must
each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into
heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a
lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he
said. "You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter
said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set
of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint
Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."

The third man started searching desperately through his
pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's glasses.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked,
"And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "They're Carol's."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Frosted Windshields"

During the winter months in southwestern
Pennsylvania it is not unusual to go out to your
vehicle on a bright, sunny morning, only to find your
windshield covered with frost. Last Friday was such a
day. I went out to run errands and found the icy
layer covering my windshield. I was in a hurry and
had no de-icer or ice scraper with which to clear the
glass. I noticed the sun had risen over the eastern
mountains, so I turned the truck so the windshield was
exposed directly to the sun. In less than 5 seconds
the frost was melted due to the power of the sun.
Kind of like the power of the Son, is it not?

Have you ever considered the power of the Son on
a heart frozen by sin and guilt? The Son has the
power to melt the hardened heart; however, just as the
frozen windshield had to be turned to the sun, so must
our hearts be turned to the Son in order for melting
to occur. Turn your heart and the hearts of others to
the Son through prayer and Bible study. There is no
heart so hard or guilt so deep that the Son cannot
melt it away. The Son is waiting. The power is
there. Are you turned toward the Son?

-J. Watson
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to SUNSHINEROSE28 -- Trouble Escalates in
France

AP and UPI reported today that the French government
announced that it has raised its terror alert level
from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in
France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". The raise
was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed
France's white flag factory, thereby disabling its
military.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to SUNSHINEROSE28 -- DO YOU LOVE SOMEONE THIS
MUCH?

A girl and guy were speeding over 100 mph on the road
on a motorcycle...

Girl: Slow down. Im scared.

Guy: No this is fun.

Girl: No its not. Please, its too scary!

Guy: Then tell me you love me.

Girl: Fine, I love you. Slow down!

Guy: Now give me a BIG hug.

Girl hugs him

Guy: Can you take my helmet off & put it on yourself?
Its bugging me.

In the paper the next day :( A motorcycle had crashed
into a building because of brake failure. Two people
were on it, but only one had survived.

The truth was that halfway down the road, the guy
realized that his brakes broke, but he didn't want to
let the girl know Instead, he had her say she loved
him & felt her hug him one last time, then had her
wear his helmet so that she would live even though it
meant that he would die.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to SUNSHINEROSE28 -- The Resume of Jesus Christ

Address: Ephesians 1:20
Phone: Romans 10:13
Website: The Bible. Keywords: Christ, Lord, Savior and
Jesus

Hello. My name is Jesus -The Christ. Many call me
Lord! I've sent you my resume because I'm seeking the
top management position in your heart. Please
consider my accomplishments as set forth in my resume.

Qualifications

• I founded the earth and established the heavens,
(See Proverbs 3:19)
• I formed man from the dust of the ground, (See
Genesis 2:7)
• I breathed into man the breath of life, (See Genesis
2:7)
• I redeemed man from the curse of the law, (See
Galatians 3:13)
• The blessings of the Abrahamic Covenant comes upon
your life through me, (See Galatians 3:14)

Occupational Background
• I've only had one employer, (See Luke 2:49).
• I've never been tardy, absent, disobedient, slothful
or disrespectful.
• My employer has nothing but rave reviews for me,
(See Matthew 3:15-17)

Skills Work Experiences
• Some of my skills and work experiences include:
empowering the poor to be poor no more, healing the
brokenhearted, setting the captives free, healing the
sick, restoring sight to the blind and setting at
liberty them that are bruised, (See Luke 4:18).
• I am a Wonderful Counselor, (See Isaiah 9:6).
People who listen to me shall dwell safely and shall
not fear evil, (See Proverbs 1:33).
• Most importantly, I have the authority, ability
and power to cleanse you of your sins, (See I John
1:7-9)

Educational Background
• I encompass the entire breadth and length of
knowledge, wisdom and understanding, (See Proverbs
2:6).
• In me are hid all of the treasures of wisdom and
knowledge, (See Colossians 2:3).
• My Word is so powerful; it has been described as
being a lamp unto your feet and a lamp unto your path,
(See Psalms 119:105).
• I can even tell you all of the secrets of your
heart, (See Psalms 44:21).

Major Accomplishments
• I was an active participant in the greatest
Summit Meeting of all times, (See Genesis 1:26).
• I laid down my life so that you may live, (See II
Corinthians 5:15).
• I defeated the archenemy of God and mankind and
made a show of them openly, (See Colossians 2:15).
• I've miraculously fed the poor, healed the sick
and raised the dead!
• There are many more major accomplishments, too
many to mention here. You can read them on my website,
which is located at: www dot - the BIBLE. You don't
need an Internet connection or computer to access my
website.

References
• Christians the world over can attest to the power
I have exerted in their lives for good -- alcoholics
reformed, criminals gone straight, cheating spouses
being faithful, and etc.

In Summation
Now that you've read my resume, I'm confident that I'm
the only candidate uniquely qualified to fill this
vital position in your heart. In summation, I will
properly direct your paths, (See Proverbs 3:5-6), and
lead you into everlasting life, (See John 6:47). When
can I start? Time is of the essence, (See Hebrews
3:15).

Send this resume to everyone you know, you never know
who may have an opening!

Thanks for your help and may the blessings of My
Father be yours!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A Dieter's Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas and all around my hips
Were Fanny May candies that sneaked past my lips.
Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care
In hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.

While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps
Had just settled down to sugar-borne naps.
When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter

Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash
Tore open the icebox then threw up the sash
The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow
Sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.

When what to my wandering eyes should appear:
A marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer!
That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick
I knew in a second that I'd wind up sick.

The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer
I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear;
On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS
A Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox.

>From the top of the scales to the top of the hall

Now dash away pounds now dash away all.
Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress
My clothes were all bulging from too much excess

My droll little mouth and my round little belly
They shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly
I spoke not a word but went straight to my work
Ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk.

And laying a finger beside my heartburn
I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned
I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry
If temptation's removed I'll get thin by and by.

And I mumbled again as I turned in for the night
In the morning I'll starve... 'till I take that first bite!

Thursday, December 22, 2005

hUMOR For Dec. 22nd

Gift Wrapping Tips For Men

(Edited slightly by Tom)

This is the time of year when we think back to the very first
Christmas, when the Three Wise Men; Gaspar, Balthazar and Herb, went
to see the baby Jesus and, according to the Book of Matthew,
"presented unto Him gifts; gold, frankincense, and myrrh." These are
simple words, but if we analyze them carefully, we discover an
important, yet often overlooked, theological fact: There is no
mention of wrapping paper.

The words "wrapping paper" do not appear in the Bible, which means
that the very first Christmas gifts were NOT wrapped. This is
because the people giving those gifts had two important characteristics:
1. They were wise.
2. They were men.

Men are not big gift wrappers. Men do not understand the point of
putting paper on a gift just so somebody else can tear it off. This
is not just my opinion: This is a scientific fact based on a
statistical survey of two guys I know.

One is Rob, who said the only time he ever wraps a gift is "if it's
such a poor gift that I don't want to be there when the person opens
it." The other is Gene, who told me he does wrap gifts, but as a
matter of principle never takes more than 15 seconds per gift. "No
one ever had to wonder which presents daddy wrapped at Christmas,"
Gene said. "They were the ones that looked like enormous spitballs."

I also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my motor skills, I
can never completely wrap them. I can take a gift the size of a deck
of cards and put it the exact center of a piece of wrapping paper the
size of a regulation volleyball court, but when I am done folding and
taping, you can still see a sector of the gift peeking
out. (Sometimes I camouflage this sector with a marking pen.) If I
had been an ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies, the lower half
of the Pharaoh's body would be covered only by Scotch tape.

On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inch square of wrapping
paper, she can wrap a C-130 cargo plane. My wife, like many women,
actually likes wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that
requires batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me
is very close to being a symptom of mental illness. If it were
possible, my wife would wrap each individual volt.
My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills like having
babies that come more naturally to women than to men. That is why
today I am presenting:

GIFT-WRAPPING TIPS FOR MEN:

* Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped. If, when the
recipient opens the gift, neither one of you recognizes it, you can
claim that it's myrrh.

* The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an item on how to
make your own wrapping paper by printing a design on it with an apple
sliced in half horizontally and dipped in a mixture of food coloring
and liquid starch. They must be smoking crack.

* If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping paper! Just
put it inside a bag and stick one of those little adhesive bows on
it. This creates a festive visual effect that is sure to delight the
lucky recipient on Christmas morning:

YOUR WIFE: Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree?
YOU: It's a gift! See? It has a bow!
YOUR WIFE (peering into the trash bag): It's a leaf blower.
YOU: Gas-powered! Five horsepower!
YOUR WIFE: I want a divorce.
YOU: I also got you some myrrh.

In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what you
give, or how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very
special time of year, is that you save the receipt.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is a strange tale. I thought you might appreciate it.

It has to do with those two famous characters, Anakin and
Luke Skywalker. The tale concerns that time when Anakin was
going by the name of Vader, specifically the lightsaber
battle they fought in the cloud city. The depiction of that
fight in the Lucas film was fairly accurate, but it left out
a few details.

It seems that, during the course of the fracas, more words
were exchanged while the two of them were temporarily
clenched with their weapons locked against each other.
Apparently the director must have felt that some editing
would make the dialogue a bit snappier, so some of the words
were snipped out.

So here's the rest of what they said to each other.

"Luke, there is something that you do not know."

"What's that?"

"Luke, I know, beyond doubt, what you are getting for
Christmas."

"You're wrong. You can't know that."

"Nevertheless, it is so."

"I don't believe you! This isn't possible!"

"Trust me, Luke, I do know what you are getting for
Christmas. I know it with the same degree of certainly as I
know of the inevitability of the failure of your pitiful
rebellion."

"You can't know that. The rebellion will succeed!"

"I know a great many things, Luke. Join with me. Let me show
you the true power of the Dark Side of the force, and
together we can destroy the emperor!"

"Is that why you think you know what I'm going to get for
Christmas? You think your mastery of the Dark Side can show
you the future?"

"The Dark Side shows me many things, Luke, but I did not
need it for this."

"Then how do you know what I'm getting?"

"It's very simple, Luke -- I have felt your presents."

Received from leon_taylor.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Some Un-Christmassy Texas Jokes

A visitor asked a West Texas cowboy, "Do you ever get
tornadoes out here?" The cowboy replied, "Yeah, we had
one a while back, but it ran into a sandstorm outside
of town and got ripped to pieces."

A visitor asked a West Texas cowboy, "Doesn't it ever
rain out here?"

The cowboy replied, "Sure. There was a half-inch of
rain a couple of weeks ago just a few miles north of
here, but I was too busy and couldn't go."

The wind blows so hard out in West Texas that at a
drive-in theater it once blew Gene Autry right out of
the saddle."

A little brown hen once got caught in a West Texas
sandstorm. She was flying through the air backward so
fast that she laid the same egg three times.

It was so windy that prairie dogs were digging holes
40 feet in the air.

It was so dry that the Baptists were sprinkling, the
Methodists were spitting, and the Catholics were
giving rain checks.

It was so hot that I saw a roadrunner pull a worm out
of the ground using pot holders.

It was so cold that a farmer threw a dipperful of
water and it froze in midair and knocked a pup
unconscious.

A visitor to Amarillo asked a local rancher, "How do
you stand the wind blowing every single day?" The
rancher said, "You just have to get used to it - learn
to lean into it. In fact, one day last fall the wind
stopped blowing all of a sudden, and all the chickens
in the panhandle plumb fell over."

During a period of heavy sandstorms, a rancher visited
his banker and applied for a loan. The banker warned
him, "I'll have to come out and inspect the property
first." The rancher replied, "That won't be necessary.
Here it comes now."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Muffled Workers

Winters are fierce where he lives, so the owner of the estate felt He
was doing a good deed when he bought earmuffs for his foreman.

Noticing, however, that the foreman wasn't wearing the earmuffs even
on the bitterest day, the landlord asked, "Didn't you like the muffs?"

The Foreman said, "They're a thing of beauty."

"Why don't you wear them?"

The Foreman explained, "I was wearing them the first day, and
somebody offered to buy me lunch, but I didn't hear him! Never again,
never again!"

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

hUMOR For Dec. 21

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you have an "Automotive Minded" person in you life, these
gift suggestions should be considered.

1. Tire Air Change Kit. This kit comes with everything you
need to change the air in your tires. This highly
recommended but often overlooked maintenance item is much
easier now. Remember to change your air every 3000 miles or
twice a year. $25

2. Blinker Fluid. You knew it existed but, WOW, is this
stuff hard to find. 4oz bottle. $12

3. Synthetic Blinker Fluid. Better yet! 4oz bottle. $24

4. Light Bulb Filaments. Why throw away a perfectly good
turn signal or stop light bulb when you can just install a
new filament? Premium Filaments, made in the USA! $1 each.

5. Manifold Heat. Yes, your exhaust manifold should be HOT.
If it's not, you may need this item. Sold by the pound.
$3.50

6. Steering Wheel Gaskets. All SIZES available! Email for
specific application. From $9.99

7. Tie Rod Tensioner. Is your tie rod limp? Tension it with
T-50! $14.99

8. Alternator Batteries. (4 required, replace them all!)

>From $2.99

9. Fan Belt Buckles. Specify brass or chrome. Gold available
special order. $14.99

10. Muffler Bearing Manual. Print version $59.95

11. Muffler Bearing Manual. CD version $49.99

12. Universal Muffler Bearing Tool Kit $105.59

13. Muffler Bearing Hi Temp Synthetic Lube (the only kind we
sell!) $40.24

14. Muffler Bearings From $19.95

15. Muffler Bearing Gasket Kits From $9.99

16. Momentum (required for tackling some off road
obstacles). Sold by the lb-ft/sec $0.50

17. Microsoft Windows Eliminator. If your car or truck
begins to run poorly, (long time to start, frequent crashes,
etc.), it's computer, (ecm, ecu, black box, etc.), may have
become infected with this nasty computer virus. This product
will safely remove the virus. $199

18. Mirror Image Flipper Film. Did you know that the image
you see in your rear view mirrors are reversed! This is a
manufacturing flaw that the auto companies have kept secret
for years as the recall would cost BILLIONS! This film can
be cut and placed over any mirror to correct the image. Now
you'll be able to read signs in the rear view mirror! $5 per
square ft.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the building committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or walleye, and what bait was used to catch 'em.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... when the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... opening day of deer season is recognized as an official religious holiday.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... a member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the choir is known as the "OK Chorale".
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... Baptism is referred to as "branding".
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... high notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... people think "rapture" is what men get when they lift something too heavy.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized watering tank.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy's Ufdah Barbecue.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the collection plates are really hub caps from a Ford F150.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... "Thou shalt not covet" applies to hunting dogs, too.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now!! Ya Hear!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Wrench Who Stole Racing
By Greg Engle
Cup Scene Daily

Then he went up the vent, the old liar.
On their walls he left nothing but some hooks and some
wire.
And the one speck of food that he left in the RV,
Was a crumb that was too small for even little John
Andretti.
Then he did the same thing to the other Fans RV’s
Leaving crumbs much too small for ANY John Andretti.
And last thing he did was climb the flag stand.
And took ALL the flags, red ,yellow, black, checkered
and green!
It was a quarter past dawn, all the Fans were still
a-dreamin’
The Fans still a-snorin’, when he packed up his old
Grand Prix.
Packed it up with all that Fan stuff. The Mark
Martin hats!
The Stewart t-shirts!
The die-cast cars!
The Dale Jarrett socks!
And finally the flags, red, yellow, black checkered
and green.
Up the side of Mount Rockingham, the old Wrench he did
climb.
His trunk piled high from his overnight snide.
He went to the top, and peered over the far edge,
And got ready to dump the bags over the ledge.
"Pooh-pooh to the Fans!" He was Wrenchly humming,
"They’re finding out that no racing is coming!"
"They’re just waking up! I know just what they’ll do!"

"There mouth’s will hang open a minute or two!"
"Then all the Fans down in Fan-ville will cry
BOO-HOO!"
"That’s a noise" grinned the Wrench, "That I simply
MUST hear!".
So he paused. And the Wrench put a tiny hand to his
ear.
And he heard a sound rising from the track way down
there.
It started in low.
Then it started to grow.
But the sound wasn’t sad.
No BOO-HOO!
And he looked very hard at the track down below.
And saw them pushing RACE cars onto pit row!
The Wrench popped his eyes. Then he shook!
What he saw was a shocking surprise!
Every Fan down in Fan-ville, the tall and the small,

Was cheering! Why, they’d race after ALL!
He HADN’T stopped the race from coming. IT CAME!
Somehow or the other, they’d race just the same!
And the Wrench, with his wrenchy feet ice-cold in the
snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?
How could they still cheer?"
"They’ll race without hats! Without flags, without
root beer!"
"And yet, somehow, they’ll still put on a show.
Race ‘round the track, off they’ll go"
And he puzzled awhile, and puzzled and puzzled' till
his puzzler hurt so.
Then the Wrench thought of something he hadn’t before!

"Maybe racing, means a lot more, than hats, or
T-shirts or stuff from a store," he thought.
"Maybe the drivers going around head to head, racing
each other counting the laps that each have lead."
The Wrench screwed his mouth and looked up in the
air,"
Maybe at the end of 500 miles or more,
after racing each other close, door to door,
one-hundred ninety miles an hour, sometimes a little
more."
The Wrench rubbed his pointy, wrenchy chin.
"Hmm...A TRUE test of a man is how far and fast he
will go."
And what happened then? Well...in Fan-ville they say
That the Wrenches small hands grew three sizes that
day!
And the minute his steering didn’t feel so tight.
He whizzed, raced really, with his load through the
bright morning light.
And he brought back all the Fans’ things!
And he brought back the flags, red, yellow, black,
checkered and green.
And he...HE HIMSELF...! The Wrench dropped the green
flag from the flag stand that day,
But not before all the Fans heard him say:
"Gentleman start your engines! Let the racing get
underway!"

The End
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>From a friend: 'Twas The Night Before Christmas (as if

written by a technical writer for a firm that does US
government contracting)

'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period
preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, and
throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity
was not in evidence among the possessors of this
potential, including that species of domestic rodent
known as Mus musculus. Hosiery was meticulously
suspended from the forward edge of the wood burning
caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory
pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an
eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric
appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas.

The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in
their respective accommodations of repose, were
experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations of
variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically
through their cerebrums. My conjugal partner and I,
attired in our nocturnal head coverings, were about to
take slumberous advantage of the hibernal darkness
when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the
grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance
that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my
place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the
precise source thereof.

Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the
barriers sealing this fenestration, noting thereupon
that the lunar brilliance without, reflected as it was
on the surface of a recent crystalline precipitation,
might be said to rival that of the solar meridian
itself - thus permitting my incredulous optical
sensory organs to behold a miniature airborne runnered
conveyance drawn by eight diminutive specimens of the
genus Rangifer, piloted by a minuscule, aged chauffeur
so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly
apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated
caller. With his ungulate motive power travelling at
what may possibly have been more vertiginous velocity
than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly,
expelled breath musically through contracted labia,
and addressed each of the octet by his or her
respective cognomen - "Now Dasher, now Dancer..." et
al. - guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of
our abode, through which structure I could readily
distinguish the concatenations of each of the 32
cloven pedal extremities.

As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location,
and was performing a 180-degree pivot, our
distinguished visitant achieved - with utmost celerity
and via a downward leap - entry by way of the smoke
passage. He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled
by the ebony residue from oxidations of carboniferous
fuels which had accumulated on the walls thereof. His
resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to
the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore
dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle.

His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity,
while his submaxillary dermal indentations gave every
evidence of engaging amiability. The capillaries of
his malar regions and nasal appurtenance were engorged
with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the
former approximating the coloration of Albion's floral
emblem, the latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet
cherry. His amusing sub- and supralabials resembled
nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their
ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like small,
tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water.

Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking
piece whose grey fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse
about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative
seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than
it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his
corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of
impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container.
He was, in short, neither more nor less than an obese,
jocund, multigenarian gnome, the optical perception of
whom rendered me visibly frolicsome despite every
effort to refrain from so being. By rapidly lowering
and then elevating one eyelid and rotating his head
slightly to one side, he indicated that trepidation on
my part was groundless.

Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced
filling the aforementioned appended hosiery with
various of the aforementioned articles of merchandise
extracted from his aforementioned previously dorsally
transported cloth receptacle. Upon completion of this
task, he executed an abrupt about-face, placed a
single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his
olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a
gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith effected his
egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke
passage. He then propelled himself in a short vector
onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of
air through his contracted oral sphincter to the
antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar
aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among
the seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But I
overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately
prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of
visibility: "Ecstatic Yuletide to the planetary
constituency, and to that self same assemblage, my
sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and
gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and
dawn."

Versions of this article have been floating around the
Net for years. According to one visitor to this page,
"...this piece was compiled by students at the South
Dakota School of Mines and Technology in Rapid City,
South Dakota. The article was printed in the Rapid
City paper in December, 1983. I cannot recall the name
of the paper, but I still have my clipping of it from
that year so I do know from whence and where it
originated."

And Catherine writes, "As a graduate of South Dakota
School of Mines (SDSM&T) in 1978, I can tell you that
I found it in about 1974 at the University of South
Dakota (USD). I posted it on my dorm door at USD and
at SDSM&T. I recall I may have even read it when
working as a d-jay on KTEQ (the school's station).
Interesting that it ended up in the newspaper in Rapid
City. Who knows, it could have originally come out of
Mines."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to WS: The Outhouse

Once there was a little boy who lived in the country.
They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated
it because it was hot in the summer, cold in the
winter, and stunk all the time. The outhouse was
sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined
that one day he would push that outhouse into the
creek.

One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so
the little boy decided today was the day to push the
outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and
started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into
the creek and floated away.

That night his dad told him they were going to the
woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking,
the little boy asked why. The dad replied, "someone
pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you,
wasn't it, son?"

The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and
said, "Dad, I read in school today that George
Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get
into trouble because he told the truth."

The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's
father wasn't
in that cherry tree."

NOTE: my brother’s brain has always been stuck between floors.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"What Don't You Have?"
The small girl had recently received a new watch and some perfume, which she was very excited about. Their family asked the pastor over for dinner. The girl wanted so badly to tell the pastor about her new gifts, but her mother insisted she wait until after dinner and not interrupt at meal time.
Not able to contain her excitement, and not wanting to disobey, the little girl leaned over to the pastor during dinner and whispered, "If you hear a little noise and smell something, it's me!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Cybersalt News
Everyday, the Cybersalt Shaker site has new front page inspirational content, a new cartoon, a new CleanLaugh from the archives, and other material for reading.
http://www.cybersaltshaker.org

Today's CleanLaugh. - "What Don't You Have?"
The small girl had recently received a new watch and some perfume, which she was very excited about. Their family asked the pastor over for dinner. The girl wanted so badly to tell the pastor about her new gifts, but her mother insisted she wait until after dinner and not interrupt at meal time.
Not able to contain her excitement, and not wanting to disobey, the little girl leaned over to the pastor during dinner and whispered, "If you hear a little noise and smell something, it's me!"

Today's CleanQuote
"You can give without loving, but you cannot love without giving."

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Illustration. - "Born Again"
An irate subscriber stormed into a newspaper office waving the current edition, asking to see "whoever wrote the obituary column".
When referred to a young reporter, he stormed, "You can see I'm very much alive, and you've put me in the obituary column! I demand a retraction!"
Replied the reporter, "I never retract a story. But I tell you what I'll do. I'll put you in the birth column and give you a fresh start."
(Featured Illustrations items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sarah and her thirteen-year-old sister had been fighting a
lot this year. (This happens when you combine a headstrong
two-year-old, who is sure she is always right, with a young
adolescent.) Sarah's parents, trying to take advantage of
her newfound interest in Santa Claus, reminded the
two-year-old that Santa was watching and doesn't like it
when children fight. This had little impact.

"I'll just have to tell Santa about your misbehavior," the
mother said as she picked up the phone and dialed. Sarah's
eyes grew big as her mother asked "Mrs. Claus" (really
Sarah's aunt; Santa's real line was busy) if she could put
Santa on the line. Sarah's mouth dropped open as Mom
described to Santa (Sarah's uncle) how the two-year-old was
acting. But, when Mom said that Santa wanted to talk to her,
she reluctantly took the phone.

Santa, in a deepened voice, explained to her how there would
be no presents Christmas morning to children who fought with
their sisters. He would be watching, and he expected things
to be better from now on.

Sarah, now even more wide eyed, solemnly nodded to each of
Santa's remarks and silently hung the phone up when he was
done. After a long moment, Mom (holding in her chuckles at
being so clever) asked, "What did Santa say to you, dear?"

In almost a whisper, Sarah sadly but matter-of-factly
stated, "Santa said he won't be bringing toys to my sister
this year."

Received from Chris B.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Patient Request

The patient is adamant. "Doc, I need a liver
transplant, a kidney transplant, a heart transplant, a
cornea transplant, a spleen transplant, a pancreas
trans. . ."

"What makes you think you need all these?"

Well, replied the patient, "My boss said if I wanted
to keep my job I needed to get reorganized."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Marti: A Widow's Poem

Twas the night before Christmas
and it's quiet in the house,
no Husband ,no Children,quiet as a mouse,
memories flooding thru my head,
can't stay up and can't go to bed,
a tree of silver it was,all twinkleing with blue,
neath was Dolls,games and Trucks for the Girls and the
boys,
Now they are grown with kids of their own,
I Pray they treasure each moment for when they grow
old,
This season makes me want to cry,
for i look back with heartache and pride,
I Pray God watches over you ,
as time marches on,and you won't look back forlorn.
I Pray your forgives any wrong I done,
I should have done better,and had a real Home.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Marti: A Widow's Poem

Twas the night before Christmas
and it's quiet in the house,
no Husband ,no Children,quiet as a mouse,
memories flooding thru my head,
can't stay up and can't go to bed,
a tree of silver it was,all twinkleing with blue,
neath was Dolls,games and Trucks for the Girls and the
boys,
Now they are grown with kids of their own,
I Pray they treasure each moment for when they grow
old,
This season makes me want to cry,
for i look back with heartache and pride,
I Pray God watches over you ,
as time marches on,and you won't look back forlorn.
I Pray your forgives any wrong I done,
I should have done better,and had a real Home.