Name Spelling
It was the beginning of term at a primary school in Brooklyn. The teacher asked the children their names one at a time, and for each to spell their name out loud. When she came to a young Pakistani boy and asked his name, he replied, "Ravashanka Vankatarataam Bannerjee." "How do you spell that?" asked the teacher. "My mother helps me," said the little boy.
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Near Death Experience
A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live," Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God (again), she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years. Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?" God replied, "Sorry about that, I just didn't recognize you!"
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Need A Lift Version 1
As a concierge at a posh resort, I was often asked about the ski facilities. One day a couple who had just checked in after a long flight came by and asked me where the lift was. "Go down the hill," I told them, "out the door, past the pool, 200 yards down the block, and you'll see it on your right." Their tired faces suddenly looked even more exhausted, until the man behind them spoke up. "They're folks are from England," he said. "I think they're looking for the elevator."
Need A Lift Version 2
An American visiting in England asked at the hotel for the elevator. The portiere looked a bit confused but smiled when he realized what the man wanted. "You must mean the lift," he said. "No," the American responded. "If I ask for the elevator I mean the elevator." "Well," the portiere answered, "over here we call them lifts". "Now you listen", the American said rather irritated, "someone in America invented the elevator." "Oh, right you are sir," the portiere said in a polite tone, "but someone here in England invented the language".
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"On a recent Continental flight, a flight attendant kicked a
mother and baby off the plane because the baby was too loud.
They must have been loud, because the mother and baby were
kicked off somewhere over Kansas." -Conan O'Brien
***
"Another scorching day. They say this heat is either due to
global warming or because it's July. They are not quite sure."
-Jay Leno
***
"David and Victoria Beckham arrived in L.A. from England
last week. She's the former Spice Girl, he's the famous
soccer player. I guess we're supposed to be excited about
this, even though we don't care about soccer or the Spice
Girls." -Jimmy Kimmel
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Knowing that photography was a passion of mine, my cousin
asked if I'd take her wedding pictures. I agreed, but
instantly became a nervous wreck. Would the photos be in
focus? Would she like the composition? Could I get a shot
of everyone?
Finally my wife heard enough. "Stop worrying about it!"
she said. "If they'd wanted a real photographer they would
have gotten one."
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As team leader of the Police Tactics and Rescue Unit, I
directed officers late one night to strategic positions
around a building where a dangerous suspect was hiding.
Believing the culprit to be on the roof, I decided to have
an officer shine his flash-light in that direction on my
command.
At just the right moment, I whispered to him, "Okay, throw
a light on the roof."
The officer hurled his flashlight to the top of the building.
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More Words
A husband looking through the paper came upon a study that said women use more words than men. It read, "Men use about 15,000 words per day, but women use 30,000." Excited to prove to his wife that he had been right all along when he accused her of talking too much, he showed her the study results. The wife thought for a while, then finally she said to her husband, "It's because we have to repeat everything we say." The husband said "What?"
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A trio of old veterans
A trio of old veterans were bragging about the heroic exploits of their ancestors one afternoon down at the VFW hall. "My great grandfather, at age 13," one declared proudly, "was a drummer boy at Shiloh." "Mine," boasts another, "went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn." "I'm the only soldier in my family," confessed vet number three, "but if my great grandfather was living today he'd be the most famous man in the world." "Really? What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know. "Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old."
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Flakey Murder
Two police officers respond to a crime scene behind a grocery store. The homicide detective is already there. "What happened?" asks the first officer. "Male, about twenty-five, covered in Raisin Bran and dead as a doornail." "Good grief," says the second officer. "Didn't we have one covered in Frosted Flakes yesterday? And Captain Crunch last week?" "You're right. I'm afraid," said the detective as he took a drag from his cigar, "this is the work of a cereal killer."
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Algebraic symbols
Algebraic symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
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Two men were talking. The first says, "My wife has the worst memory I ever
heard of."
The second man replies, "Forgets everything, eh?"
"No, she remembers everything."
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The Ferrari F1 Racing Team recently fired the whole pit crew to employ some
young unemployed youths from Liverpool. The decision to hire them was
brought on by a documentary on how unemployed youths in the Liverpool area
can remove a set of car wheels in less than 4 seconds without proper
equipment. This was thought to be a good move as most races are won and lost
in the pits these days, and Ferrari would thus have an advantage.
However, Ferrari soon encountered a major problem: Not only were the lads
changing the tires in under 4 seconds but within another 10 seconds had
repainted, renumbered and sold the vehicle to the McLaren team.
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Nostalgia: A sentiment that combines yesterday's prices and today's incomes.