The receptionist for the company where I'm employed found
some cash in the office, apparently mislaid by a co-worker.
She sent the following e-mail: "If anybody can say where
they lost $66, please let me know and it will be returned
to you."
Within minutes one employee replied, "Arlington Race Track,
May, 2006."
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Heading down the interstate, our car passed through a huge
swarm of gnats so dense that their bodies made popping noises
as they hit the windshield. "I can't get over how loud they
are," my wife said.
"Well, we are hitting them at 65 miles an hour," I pointed
out.
Her reply left me speechless. "There's no way bugs can fly
that fast!"
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Weird News
Film crew claims footage may be monster
OSTERSUND, Sweden (UPI) -- A Swedish TV station has captured footage that it claims might depict the country's legendary Storsjoodjuret sea monster in the north of the country. Svergies Television said cameras set up at the Storsjon lake captured footage that shows a blurry, long and narrow silhouette that might belong to the Storsjoodjuret, or Great Lake Sea Monster, Swedish news agency TT reported. "(The video) clearly shows that it's warm and is made up of cells, otherwise our cameras wouldn't indicate red, so it can be a sea snake or some other kind of sea animal," a member of the film crew said. The TV station said 30 cameras will be set up to monitor the lake by 2009 to watch for signs of the beast, which was first mentioned in print in 1635, The Telegraph (Britain) reported. More than 200 sightings of the Storsjoodjuret have been reported in Sweden.
///
McCain Foods uses candidate to boost image
PHOENIX (UPI) -- Canada's McCain Foods said it is using the presidential campaign of John McCain -- no relation to the company -- to boost its image in the United States. McCain Foods took out a full page ad in USA Today that humorously tied the presumptive Republican nominee to its frozen potato products, the Chicago Sun-Times reported. The ad, headlined "Why McCain Should Be In the White House," steers clear of endorsing or even mentioning the Arizona senator and instead lists reasons why consumers should embrace change and choose its spuds rather than settling for ordinary French fries. The ad will be accompanied by on-the-street performances by comedian-impressionist Frank Caliendo in the McCain-friendly territory of Phoenix, McCain Foods said. Caliendo will be performing in character as John McCain while name-dropping the Canadian company's potatoes. The performances will be taped and posted to YouTube and other Web sites in an attempt to help raise the profile of the company in its neighbor to the south.
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Baggy pants trip up fleeing suspect
ATLANTA (UPI) -- An Atlanta man trying to escape from police tripped and fell as he tried to hold his baggy pants up, officers said. Emmanuel Uzowihe, 21, allegedly pointed a gun at the police officers as he lay on the ground, the Atlanta Journal-Constitution reported. He was shot and wounded. The incident near the Fulton County Courthouse began when police tried to pull Uzowihe over because of a traffic violation. He allegedly stopped his white Toyota sedan but jumped out and ran away. Anthony Gentile, a police investigator, said an officer followed Uzowihe, ordering him several times to stop. Darrell Jackson said he saw Uzowihe run past, cursing. Other witnesses and police said Uzowihe already allegedly had his gun out while he was running. "He was running pretty fast," Jackson said. "The only thing that messed him up is he was trying to pull his pants up."
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Chicago commuter trains cut back restrooms
CHICAGO (UPI) -- Operators of the Chicago area's Metra commuter trains have announced they are reducing the number of bathrooms on the trains to make room for more seats. Metra officials said they decided to scale back on restrooms from appearing in about 60 percent of passenger cars to about 50 percent after experiencing a third consecutive year of record ridership and failing to find money in the budget to buy more passenger cars, the Chicago Tribune reported. The officials said every alternating passenger car should have a lavatory after the changes are implemented so those needing to use the facilities won't have to walk any further than "a car length" to empty their bladders and bowels. "Frankly, I have the feeling the customer will hardly notice the difference," Metra Executive Director Phil Pagano told the Tribune. "What they are going to notice, though, is they they'll eventually have a heck of a lot more seats." Officials estimated the added seats will generate $7.5 million in fares each year and save about $2 million annually in maintenance and cleaning costs for the nixed lavatories, the Tribune said.
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Frog Future
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?"
"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."
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A Week at the Gym
For my birthday this year my wife purchased me a week of
private lessons at the local health club. Though still in
great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in
high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and
try it. I called and made reservations with someone named
Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and
athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with
how enthusiastic I was to get started.
They suggested I keep an "exercise diary" to chart my
progress.
Day 1. Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but
worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was
waiting for me. She's something of a goddess, with blond
hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines
and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She
seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think
just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about
ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was
very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was
already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I
was talking to her. This is going to be GREAT.
Day 2. Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door,
but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this
heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it,
for heaven's sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it
all worth while. Muscles ALL feel GREAT.
Day 3. The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the
tooth brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and
forth over it. I am certain that I have developed a hernia
in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little
impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the
other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the
stair "monster." Why would anyone invent a machine to
simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of
elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live
longer. I can't imagine anything worse.
Day 4. Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a
full snarl. I can't help it if I was half an hour late, it
took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to
lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word "dumb" must be
in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room until she
sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the
rowing machine. It sank.
Day 5. I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated
any other human being in the history of the world. If there
was any part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit her
with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my
triceps. Well I have news for you Tanya - I don't have
triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor don't hand
me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the
damage, YOU went to sadist school, YOU are to blame. The
treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt
like crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a
music teacher, or social studies?
Day 6. Got Tanya's message on my answering machine,
wondering where I am. I lacked the strength to use the TV
remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather
channel.
Day 7. Well, that's the week. Thank goodness that's over.
Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more
fun, like a gift certificate for a root canal.
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Military HousingTold to treat his military housing as he would if he owned it, the Navy Chief quickly put up a sign in the front yard: "For Sale."
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"The honeymoon is over when he phones to say he'll be late
for supper and she's already left a note that it's in the
refrigerator." --Bill Lawrence
***
"Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same
thing to me: "Basement?" --Rodney Dangerfield
***
"It's good to be back in New York but the crime situation
has gotten bad. When I was getting off the plane I saw the
pilot putting the 'club' on the steering wheel."
--John Mendoza
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[I know this is supposed to be humorous...but some of these
tips make a lot of sense to me.]
Helpful Tips to Make Life Simple
* Old telephone books make ideal personal address books.
Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't
know.
* Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car
phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to
your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and
mounting the curb.
* Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers
turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked
illegally.
* No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and
remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
* Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them.
The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom
carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a
contrasting polish should be selected).
* If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply
pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The
blockage is almost instantly removed.
* Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The
following morning you can create the effects of hangover by
drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging
your head repeatedly on the wall.