Thanksgiving in the UK(In America, we just finished celebrating Thanksgiving. The following is the U.K. view of that particular holiday).A few years ago, an American and a British journalist were discussing Thanksgiving on a British radio program. The American asked if Thanksgiving was celebrated in the UK."Yes," the British journalist replied, "but we celebrate it on the 6th of September.""Why then?""That's when you chaps left."
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AMUSING QUOTE
"I love Thanksgiving turkey...
it's the only time in Los Angeles that you see natural breasts"
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Thanksgiving Forecast
Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.
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"The first thing I did after being hired as the director of
learning technology at a high school was to change the sign
outside my door -- the one that had my name followed by the
acronym D.O.L.T."
***
"According to a new study, ladies and gentlemen, you can
improve your memory by watching less TV, doing crossword
puzzles, eating more fish I can't remember all that."
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***
"Scientists are saying that if global warming doesn't stop
the oceans could rise as much as four and a half feet. One
thing all scientists can agree on is that Gary Coleman is
going to drown." --Conan O'Brien
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Three tourists climbed up the tower with London's Big Ben
and decided to throw their watches off the top, run down
the stairs and try to catch them before they hit the ground.
The first tourist threw his watch but heard it crash before
the had taken three steps. the second threw his watch and
made only two steps before hearing his watch shatter. The
third tourist threw his watch off the tower, went down the
stairs, bought a snack at a shop up the street and walked
slowly back to Big Ben in time to catch the watch." How did
you do that?" asked one of his friends.
"My watch is 20 minutes slow."
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Career Change
When Ruth's grandson Jordan was 5, he always told everyone he wanted to be a doctor when he grew up. One day he was running through the house and into the corner of a chair and hurt his eye. He cried for a while and kept saying, "Oh no, oh no, now I can't be a doctor when I grow up." Ruth assured him he could still be a doctor and Jordan kept telling her he couldn't. Finally she asked, "Why can't you be a doctor?" Holding one hand over his eye, Jordan said, "Because now I will have to be a pirate!"
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Embarrassing Traffic Stop
A police car pulled me over near the high school where I teach. As the officer asked for my license and registration, my students began to drive past. Some honked their horns, others hooted, and still others stopped to admonish me for speeding. Finally the officer asked me if I was a teacher at the school, and I told him I was. "I think you've paid your debt to society," he said with a smile, and left without giving me a ticket.
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Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
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After-Thanksgiving PoemI ate too much turkey, I ate too much corn,I ate too much pudding and pie.I'm stuffed up with muffins and too much stuffin'I'm probably going to die.I piled up my plate and I ate and I ate.But I wish I had known when to stop,For I'm so crammed with yams, sauces, gravies, and jamsThat my buttons are starting to pop!I'm full of tomatoes and french fried potatoesMy stomach is swollen and sore,But there's still some dessert so I guess it won't hurt ifI eat just a little bit more!
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"More, More Church Bulletin Bloopers"
The youth group has raised almost $500 for drug abuse.
"Correction: The following typo appeared in our lastbulletin: 'Lunch will be gin at 12:15.' Please correct to read '12 noon.' "
Any church member over the age of 18 is invited to participate in this lay ministry program. It requires a minimal amount of training and time. The orientation will include six weekly classes of about 200 hours each Tuesday night.
The Seniors group will have a picnic Saturday. Each person is asked to bring a friend, a vegetable, or dessert in a covered dish. Meat and drinks will be furnished.
The last day of Vacation Bible School will include a field trip to the state game farm. We could use some additional volunteers to help preparing the lunch of sandwiches, potato chips, cheese, crack, and cool aid that morning.
Remember the youth department rummage sale for Summer Camp.We have a Gents three-speed bicycle, also two ladies for sale, in good running order.
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CleanQuote
"All you need for happiness is a good gun, a good horse, and a good wife."- Daniel Boone
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Illustration - "Grace" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Our son had only heard his grandfather pray at Thanksgiving, Easter, and other special occasions; when he, typically, said a long prayer over the food.
One night, after a fun camp-out and fishing trip, grandfather (to our son's surprise) asked a very brief blessing on the food. With a gleam in his eye, our son grinned at his Grandfather and said, "You don't pray so long when you're hungry, do you Grandpa?"
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Threatening Letters
The fellow stormed into the postmaster's office in a fury. "I've been getting threatening letters in the mail for months and I want them stopped." "Of course," said the postmaster. "Sending threatening letters through the mail is a federal offense. Do you know who's sending them?" "Yes," shouted the man. "It's those idiots down at the Internal Revenue Service."
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A Jury Full of Lawyers
A judge in a small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4:00 p.m. and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury. The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom. The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendant was guilty. The jury went into the jury room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited. After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury room to see what was holding up the verdict. When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a verdict yet?" The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? They're still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"