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You Know It's Hot Outside When
You Know It's Hot Outside When...
**you ask your boss for extra work so you can be in the air conditioning as much as possible
** you've been getting hot flashes, and you're a man
** the swans in the park come in "original recipe" and "extra tasty crispy"
** the strawberries are ripe, and the cab drivers are even riper
** your pool water starts to boil in the sun
** the hot-dogs sold outside Yankee Stadium are actually hot
** pigs complain about sweating like fat humans
** a scalding hot shower still cools you down
** people walking down the sidewalk spontaneously burst into flames
** a $20 surcharge is added to your bill when you eat at air-conditioned restaurants
** the politicians take their hands out of your pockets to fan themselves
** you need a spatula to remove your clothing
** you wish you had gotten the cloth seats instead of leather
** you are sweating in both directions -- up and down!
** you are sitting inside reading these jokes
** your brother's braces make blisters on his lips
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CleanQuote.
"Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce."
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Conviction
After a trial had been going on for three days, Harrison, the man accused of committing the crimes, stood up and approached the judge's bench.
"Your Honor, I would like to change my plea from 'innocent' to 'guilty' of the charges."
The judge angrily banged his fist on the desk. "If you're guilty, why didn't you say so in the first place and save this court a lot of time and inconvenience?" he demanded.
Harrison looked up wide-eyed and stated, "Well, when the trial started I thought I was innocent, but that was before I heard all the evidence against me."
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While I was driving my daughter home from kindergarten,
Melody Raye started trying to get me to look at the numerous crayon drawings she'd made that day. After trying to keep the car between the ditches while looking at the drawings, I told her I would look at the rest later because right now I had to watch the road. She immediately put a drawing in front of my face and said, "You look, Daddy; I'll watch the road for you."
When our grandchildren were visiting late last summer, they went out to catch lightning bugs one night. As 3-year-old Carl put one in a jar, he looked up at me and asked, "Grandma, what size batteries do these bugs take?"
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First Man
A Sunday School teacher asked little Willie who the first man in the Bible
was.
"Hoss." said Willie.
"Wrong," said the teacher. "It was Adam."
"Aw, shucks!" Willie replied. "I knew it was one of those Cartwrights."
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Cowboys Night Out
A cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the
posh Amarillo Theater. When the usher came by and
noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir,
but you're only allowed one seat."
The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became
more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there
I'm going to have to call the manager."
The cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly
back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with
the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly
to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they
summoned the police.
The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked,
"All right buddy, what's your name?"
"Sam," the cowboy moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice Sam replied, "The balcony."
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SPARE CHANGE
A bum asked a man on the street for $5.
"Will you buy booze?" the man asks, to which the bum
replies, "No."
"Will you gamble it away?" Once again the bum replies,
"No."
"Will you make bets at the golf course?" Once again
the bum replies "No, I don't play golf"
Then the man asks, "Will you come home with me so my
wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink,
gamble or play golf?"
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Top Ten for Dads
Top 10 Ways to Intimidate Your Daughter's Date When He
Comes to Pick Her Up
10. Sprinkle some dust on your daughter before she
leaves. Explain, "It makes fingerprinting easier."
9. Challenge him at arm wrestling.
8. Introduce him to your good friend Ken Starr.
7. Walk on stilts.
6. Casually show him your collection of five shrunken
heads, then yell up to your daughter, "Number six is
here."
5. Come to the door bare-chested. Do a lot of flexing.
4. Introduce him to the family by calling each family
member to the living room using a whistle, then making
them stand at attention and salute.
3. Answer the door in a straight jacket.
2. As they leave, talk into a walkie-talkie, "Subject
is wearing khakis and a blue polo shirt, driving a
green ford."
1. Say, "Let's pray."
The Top 10 Tips for Fathers on Changing Diapers
10. Always use protective eye wear.
9. If you need a third hand, use your teeth!
8. Avoid changing baby on new Persian rug.
7. Reach finger down back of diaper to see if there's a "doodie."
6. When you run out of baby oil, use Old Spice.
5. Insure proper ventilation, avoid open flames.
4. Always feed baby lots of apricots 3 to 4 hours prior.
3. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, scratch and sniff.
2. Be careful with high-pressure spray nozzles on baby.
1. Just wait until your wife gets home and let her do it!