Better Cure
A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help.
On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good, either.
On his third visit the doctor told the man to go home and take a hot bath. As soon as he was finished bathing he was to throw open all the windows and stand in the draft.
"But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia."
"I know," said his physician, "I can cure pneumonia."
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"Bathroom Exasperation"
As the lone female in our house, I find that certain male habits have really begun to get on my nerves. One day, I emerged from the bathroom completely exasperated when I bumped into my husband.
"What is it with guys that they won't replace the toilet paper?!" I raged.
"I know," he said, nodding in agreement. "I noticed that when I was in there earlier."
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Oneliner
Want Ad: Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks "frog."
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CleanPun - "Votes"
"In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes."
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Speeding TicketA lady who was speeding had an officer pull her to the side of the road. She didn't have her seat belt on so as soon as she stopped, she quickly slipped it on before the officer got to her window.After talking to her about speeding, the officer said, "I see you are wearing your seat belt. Do you believe in wearing it at all times?""Yes, I do, officer," she replied."Well," asked the officer, "do you always do it up with it looped through your steering wheel?"
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”Elephant Offer”
Two businessmen meet in a restaurant for a lunch. One of them says, "I have a good deal for you. When I was in Florida, I went to the town where the circus stays during the winter. I happened to pick up an elephant. I could let you have it for only $3,000."
The other businessman sipped his martini and said, "What am I going to do with an elephant? I live in a condo. I barely have room for my furniture. I can't even squeeze in an end table. So why would I buy an elephant?"
The first businessman said, "I could let you have three of them for two grand."
"Well then," said the other, "now you're talking!"
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"At the airport they asked me if anybody I didn't know gave
me anything. Even the people I know don't give me anything."
-George Wallace
***
"The 'Heartbreak Kid' opened today. It's a comedy about a
guy that gets married and then regrets it. Hilarious. That's
not comedy to me — that's a documentary." -Craig Ferguson
***
"A new survey found that the country with the highest number
of contented citizens in the world is Mexico. Apparently,
this is because everybody who was unhappy in Mexico has moved
to Los Angeles." -Conan O'Brien
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wife and her husband attended a very important business
party thrown by her boss where the husband may have had one
or two more than he should have.
On the way home from the party, the woman said to her
husband, "Have I ever told you how handsome and sexy and
totally irresistible to all women you are?"
"Why no," said the husband, deeply flattered.
"Then what gave you that idea at the party?!" she yelled.
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Tony, having his second son christened, was much concerned
about getting the correct name on the birth certificate.
"Will you please name the baby just as I give it to you?"
"Certainly," answered the minister, "why shouldn't I?"
"Well you see, it's like this," replied Tony. "When I told
you I wanted to name my first boy Tom, you wrote on his
birth certificate 'Thomas.'
This boy I want to name Jack."
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Bad Day
A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink
for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps
next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.
The poor little guy starts crying.
"Come on man. I was just giving you a hard time," the biker
says. "I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy
between sobs. "I can't do anything right. I overslept and
was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When
I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I
don't have any insurance. I grabbed a cab home but, after
the cab left, I discovered my wallet was still in the cab.
At home I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog
bit me. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage
to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the
poison!"
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Playing chess with a dog
A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen." "Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."
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Ten Signs That You're At A Bad Zoo
1. When no one else is looking, you swear that the monkeys are mocking you. 2. The Bears exhibit is nothing more than the guys cut from the football team during training camp. 3. The stripes on the zebra tend to peel away in the heat. 4. The Zookeeper always wants to take the Rhino for a walk. 5. The Lion in the lion cage closely resembles the one from The Lion King. 6. The alligator in the Reptiles exhibit is nothing more than the University of Florida's Mascot. 7. If you deposit 50 cents, the giraffe will magically appear and talk to you. 8. Ask the Tour Guide too many questions and you're suddenly dipped in some sort of sauce and placed in the Tigers den. 9. The Elephant appear to be two guys in a two part Elephant suit. 10. Two words: Hippo Dogs!
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I'll trust you that you paid
Dan walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is done the bartender tells him he owes $9.00. "But I paid, don't you remember?" says Dan. "Okay," says the bartender, "If you said you paid, you did." Dan then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid. The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt. The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it." Soon the customer goes into the street, and meets Vern, and tells him how to get free drinks. Vern hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose." "Don't bother me with your troubles," Vern responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."
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