Mother's Helper
Little Susan was her mother's helper. She helped set the
table when company was due for dinner. Presently everything
was on, the guests came in, and everyone sat down. Then
Mother noticed something was missing.
"Susan," she said, "you didn't put a knife and fork at Mr.
Smith's place."
"I thought he wouldn't need them," explained Susan. "Daddy
says he always eats like a horse!"
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Recent Quips from Late Night
"President Bush announced the rebate checks for at least $600. ... I'm going to use my check to buy enough gas to drive to the bank and cash it. And then maybe back. The rebates were pushed through by the president to help get the economy going. It's kind of like when the mom of the kid nobody likes bakes everyone cupcakes so you can pretend to like him until the cupcakes are gone, and then you go back to giving him wedgies." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Tomorrow I go to
"And Barack Obama is suffering from a bad headache today. His former pastor, Reverend Wright, is back out there. Reverend Wright gave an interview earlier tonight on PBS with Bill Moyers, and he said he's gotten over a million emails and phone calls telling him to keep on speaking out, and every one of them came from Hillary Clinton. It was amazing." --Jay Leno
"I like John McCain. Do you like John McCain? He looks like the guy that forgets to roll up his windows at the car wash. ... He looks like the guy who yells 'Okay, who touched the darkness control on the toaster?'" --David Letterman
"Big day at the White House today. I've got to mention this. Today, at the White House, President Bush was busy. President Bush signed a proclamation declaring this Malaria Awareness Week. There was an awkward moment when, during the ceremony, Bush said, 'This is a great day for all Malarians.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Well, campaigning in
"President Bush says that the $300 rebate we've been promised, the rebate checks from the government, will finally be mailed out on Monday. It's nice. Good news, yeah. Then Americans can decide whether to save the $300 or use it to buy half a tank of gas. You're right, that was more sad than funny. Ha ha ha. We're screwed" --Conan O'Brien
"And of course, the really good news for liberals, Hillary Clinton won
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Differences
Whats the difference between an elephant and a flea?
A elephant can have fleas but fleas can't have elephants
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I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress
are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast.
Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day.
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Jigsaw Puzzle
Cletus called his friend and said, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure it out or how to get it started."
His friend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
Cletus responded, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
His friend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. He let him in and showed him where he had the puzzle spread all over the table. His friend studied the pieces for a moment, looked at the box, then turned to Cletus and said, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.
"Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of coffee. Finally...
"Let's put all of these frosted flakes back into the box."
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NCAA Basketball Players
How many NCAA basketball players does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but he gets money, a car, and three college credit hours for it!
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Weird News
Man breaks postal rules by reusing old box
CASTLE ROCK, Colo. (UPI) -- A Colorado man says the U.S. Postal Service accused him of breaking its rules when he tried reusing a priority cardboard box to ship an item.
The Postal Service said Gary Adler went against regulations when he tried to reuse a box that was on its way to the garbage, KMGH-TV in
"We recycle old boxes that we get at the grocery store or other merchants and dumpster dive sometimes," said Adler, who ships sports items from his non-profit organization known as the Pro-Players Association.
Adler claims he turned the box inside out and removed the previously used label.
"Our priority mail and express mail boxes are bottom line supposed to be used for that service. It is important that the customer uses it for the proper service," said Nicole Reiter of the Postal Service.
Alder said he plans to stop using the U.S. Postal Service as a result of the recycling mix-up.
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Boy Scout gets pizza for turning in $800
ALLEGAN, Mich. (UPI) -- The mother of a Michigan Boy Scout says she is proud of her son, whose honesty in turning in $800 won him a pizza party from state police.
John Robert Bouterse, 11, was honored this week for handing over a wallet full of cash lost by Wayland, Mich., resident Jessica Cutler, 20, some six months ago, the Grand Rapids (Mich.) Press reported Wednesday.
"I knew exactly how she felt," the scout said.
Cutler, a manager at Burger King, said she was saving up the cash to buy an aquarium when she lost her wallet leaving a church in Dorr Township, Mich.
Bouterse said he was leaving a Boy Scout gathering at the church less than two weeks ago when he came across the wallet in a pile of snow.
"We're just so proud of him," the boy's mother Michelle Bouterse, 41, said.
In honor of the 11-year-old's honesty, state police Monday reportedly held a pizza party for his entire 30-member Boy Scout troop.
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Store gives out carpets walked on by pope
Ted Resnick, Flemington Department Store owner, supplied 20,000 square feet of carpet used for the pope's April 20 mass at Yankee Stadium and his April 19 trip to
Resnick said people from across the nation are asking for pieces of the carpet.
"There was one woman who wanted a piece for her son to kneel on when he got married," he said.
Part of the reason people are eager to get their hands on the carpet is that a papal visit to the
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'Tacky Prom' brings teens to church
ST. CHARLES, Mo. (UPI) -- A St. Charles, Mo., church said its Tacky Prom event, which drew teenagers dressed in their least-fashionable clothes, was a rousing success.
Sean Kahlich, minister of students at the church, said the party was planned both as an outreach effort for community's youth and as a stress-free event to help teenagers relax as the school year winds down, the St. Louis Post-Dispatch reported Wednesday.
"It's getting costumed up and acting stupid with a purpose," Kahlich said. "It's prom season, and a lot of drama goes on at prom. People are breaking up or trying to shack up. They're stressing about money. This is the complete antithesis."
Teens who attended the Tacky Prom, which encouraged participants to check their closets and thrift stores for the most hideous attire imaginable, said the dance was far less stressful than their actual proms.
"I just like the fact that it's not taken too seriously," said Brad Haberstroh, 17. "Your dance moves aren't criticized. You don't have to look good. Here if you come looking good, you look bad."
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Playing The Odds
At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he planned to be around for his 104th.
"I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104."
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Revelations: The End is Near
Reverend Ole was the pastor of the local
One day they were seen pounding a sign into the ground that said: "DA END ISS NEAR! TURN YERSELF AROUND NOW BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE " As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, " Leave us alone, you religious nuts! "
From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash... Rev. Ole turns to Pastor Sven and asks, " Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say 'Bridge Out'? "