Mom's Present
A mother and a daughter are shopping in the mall, when the
mother eyes an expensive fur coat.
"This year," she says, "I think that I will buy my present
instead of making you and Dad shop for me." The daughter
nods in agreement. "And I think this fur coat would be
perfect too."
The daughter protests, "But Mom, some helpless, poor
creature has to suffer so that you can have this."
"Don't worry, honey," says the mother. "Your father won't
get the bill for a couple of weeks."
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Nancy Reagan tells the story of how President Ronald Reagan was once
challenged by a college student who said it was impossible for Reagan's
generation to understand his. "You grew up in a different world," the
student said. "Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, nuclear
energy, computers..."
Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, Reagan said, "You're
right. We didn't have all those things when we were young so we invented
them."
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I play pinochle regularly with seven other women, most of whom are 70 or
older. Recently we celebrated the birthday of our oldest member by taking
her out to lunch. When the waitress came to take our order, one of the women
said to her, "This is a very special occasion. It's Elsie's ninety-second
birthday."
The waitress made seven instant enemies and one fast friend by asking the
question, "Which one is Elsie?"
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Sometimes in order to make progress and move ahead, you have to stand up and
do the wrong thing. - Congressman Gary Ackerman
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Unfair Duel
In bygone days, a thin man insulted a large man. The large man challenged his tormentor to a duel with pistols.
On the day of the duel a debate ensued about the unfair advantage held by the thin man because he was a much smaller target. Finally the thin man came up with a solution.
"Let the outline of my figure be chalked upon your body," he said to his opponent, "and any shots of mine that hit outside the chalk lines, we won't count."
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"Psychology Course"
During a phone conversation, my nephew mentioned that he was taking a psychology course at the university.
"Oh, great," I said. "Now you'll be analyzing everyone in the family."
"No, no," he replied. "I don't take abnormal psychology until next semester."
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CleanQuote
"Treat your body like a temple, not a woodshed. The mind and body work together. Your body needs to be a good support system for the mind and spirit. If you take good care of it, your body can take you wherever you want to go, with the power and strength and energy and vitality you will need to get there."
- Jim Rohn
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Illustration - "Heredity"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
With her brown eyes and curly hair, our youngest daughter takes after my husband. At three, she was a lively, mischievous girl, and people often remarked on how cute she was. One day I was standing with her in the supermarket when a woman commented on how cute she was.
My smile disappeared when she asked, "Is she really yours?"
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Feeding Time
There was once a man from the city who was visiting a small farm, and
during this visit he saw a farmer feeding pigs in a most
extraordinary manner. The farmer would lift a pig up to a nearby
apple tree, and the pig would eat the apples off the tree directly.
The farmer would move the pig from one apple to another until the pig
was satisfied, then he would start again with another pig. The city
man watched this activity for some time with great astonishment.
Finally, he could not resist saying to the farmer, "This is the most
inefficient method of feeding pigs that I can imagine. Just think of
the time that would be saved if you simply shook the apples off the
tree and let the pigs eat them from the ground!"
The farmer looked puzzled and replied, "What's time to a pig?"
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"Tuesday was Super Tuesday, so I guess that makes Wednesday
anti-Climatic Wednesday." -Jay Leno
***
"Super Tuesday elections were yesterday. I like to go in the
voting booth and take off my pants. I hold them outside the
curtain and say, 'You got these in a 38?'" -David Letterman
***
"Contrary to what the news says, Miami Heat center Shaquille
O'Neil hasn't been traded to the Phoenix Suns. He's actually
been traded to the sun. In exchange, the earth will receive
two moons and a dwarf star to be named later." -Jimmy Kimmel
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A bricklayer routinely complained about the contents of his
lunch box.
"I'm sick and tired of getting the same old thing!" he
shouted one day. "Tonight I'll set my wife straight."
The next day the men could hardly wait until lunch time to
hear what happened.
"You bet I told her off," the bricklayer boasted. "I said,
'No more of the same old stuff. Be creative!' We had one
heck of a fight, but I got my point across."
He had indeed. In front of an admiring audience, he opened
his lunch box to find that his wife had packed a coconut--
and a hammer.
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There was this man who, many years ago, worked for a large
business. That was his lifetime employment, but he wasn't
happy there. He wanted to go in business for himself. He
saved his money and finally had enough that he could quit
and start his own business.
About two years later, I was on vacation and was going
through the town where his business was located. I stopped
by for a visit. "Hey John, I heard that the first year is
the hardest for a new business."
"Yeah, the first year was pretty rough, but we are doing
pretty good now. In fact, I'm getting to where I only have
to work half a day."
"Wow, that's pretty nice. Maybe I should think about going
into business for myself."
"Yeah, and the nicest part of it is that it doesn't matter
which twelve hours you work."
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A Pie in the Oven
A woman was getting a homemade cherry pie ready to put into
the oven when the phone rang. It was the school nurse. Her
son had come down with a high fever, and would she come and
take him home? The mother calculated how long it would take
to drive to school and back, and how long the pie should
bake, and concluded there was enough time. Popping the pie
in the oven, she left for school. When she arrived, her
son's fever was worse and the nurse urged her to take him to
the doctor.
She drove to the clinic as fast as she dared. She was frayed
a bit more as the doctor emerged from the examining room and
handed her a slip of paper. "Get him to bed," he told her,
handing her the prescription, "and start him on this right
away."
By the time she got the boy home and in bed and headed out
again for the shopping mall, she was not only frayed, but
frazzled and frantic as well. And she had forgotten about
the pie in the oven.
At the mall she found a pharmacy, got the prescription
filled, and rushed back to the car, which was locked. There
were her keys, hanging in the ignition switch, locked inside
the car.
She began searching the mall for a wire coat hanger -- which
turned out not to be easy. Wooden hangers and plastic
hangers were there in abundance, but shops didn't use wire
hangers anymore. After combing through a dozen stores, she
finally found a wire hanger. Hurrying out of the mall, she
halted. She stared at the wire coat hanger. "I don't know
what to do with this!"
Then she remembered the pie in the oven. All the
frustrations of the past hour collapsed on her and she began
crying. Then she prayed, "Dear Lord, my boy is sick and he
needs this medicine and my pie is in the oven and the keys
are locked in the car. Lord, I don't know what to do with
this coat hanger. Dear Lord, send somebody who does know
what do with it, and I really need that person NOW, Lord.
Amen." She was wiping her eyes when a beat-up older car
pulled up to the curb and stopped in front of her.
A young man, twentyish-looking, in a stained T-shirt and
ragged jeans, got out. He was coming her way. When he drew
near, she stepped in front of him and held out the wire coat
hanger. "Young man," she said, "do you know how to get into
a locked car with one of these?"
He gaped at her for a moment and then plucked the hanger
from her hand. "Where's the car?"
She had never seen anything like it -- it was simply amazing
how easily he got into her car. A quick look at the door and
window, a couple of twists of the coat hanger, and the door
was open. When she saw that, she threw her arms around him.
"Oh," she said, "the Lord sent you! You're such a good boy."
He stepped back and said, "No, ma'am, I'm not a good boy. I
just got out of prison yesterday."
She jumped at him and she hugged him again fiercely. "Bless
the Lord!" she cried. "He sent me a professional!"