Leprechauns
Q: Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?A: Because they're always a little short.
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Potato Jokes
Why did the potato cross the road? He saw a fork up ahead. How do you describe an angry potato?Boiling Mad. Why didn't the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster?Because he was a commontater. Why wouldn't the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone?He desperately wanted a scoop. What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked potato?Anything, just butter him up. What does a British potato say when it thinks something is wonderful?It's mashing! What do you call a baby potato?A small fry!
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Great Steaks
A guy had told all of his friends about the great steak he'd eaten downtown the day before. A group of them decided to head down and see if it was really as large and delicious as he was making it out to be. The group was seated in the back of the restaurant. After looking over the menu, they ordered and waited, hungrily, for their large, delicious, gigantic steaks. To their collective disappointment, the waiter brought out some of the smallest steaks they'd ever seen. "Now see here," the very embarrassed guy said to the waiter. "Yesterday, when I came down here you served me a big, juicy steak. Today, though, when I have my friends with me, you serve tiny steaks! What is the meaning of this?" "Yes, sir," replied the waiter, "yesterday you were sitting by the window."
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Salesmen
Q: What's the difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman? A: The car salesman knows when he's lying to you.
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Equating Lawyers
If you laid all of the lawyers in the world end-to-end around the equator, it would be a good idea to leave them there.
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"Drum Problem"
There was once a small boy who banged a drum all day and loved every moment of it. He would not be quiet, no matter what anyone else said or did. Various attempts were made to do something about the child.
One person told the boy that he would, if he continued to make so much noise, perforate his eardrums. This reasoning was too advanced for the child, who was neither a scientist nor a scholar.
A second person told him that drum beating was a sacred activity and should be carried out only on special occasions. The third person offered the neighbors plugs for their ears; a fourth gave the boy a book; a fifth gave the neighbors books that described a method of controlling anger through biofeedback; a sixth person gave the boy meditation exercises to make him placid and docile. None of these attempts worked.
Eventually, a wise person came along with an effective motivation. He looked at the situation, handed the child a hammer and chisel, and asked, "I wonder what's inside the drum?"
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"Great news for New York City and mankind generally: Mayor
Bloomberg is planting a million trees in New York City.
It's all part of the city's plan to revitalize the city's
logging industry." -Dave Letterman
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"Bad news for Paris Hilton. According to a recent survey,
67 percent of Americans said they hate Paris Hilton. Which
is surprising, because the survey asked, 'Are you happy
with your homeowners insurance?'" -Conan O'Brien
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"This was kind of scary. Out on the campaign trail in Iowa,
a van carrying Barack Obama's wife was hit by a guy on a
motorcycle. Guy plowed right into the van. You know, we have
to teach George Clooney how to ride a bike. This is going to
keep happening." -Jay Leno
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Discovering that I'd overslept, I abandoned my usual morning
routine and rushed out. In the van, though, I realized I had
time to stop for a take-out coffee.
I got my coffee and returned to the van, only to find I had
not only left it running but had locked it!
The day was going from bad to worse.
I returned to the shop, sheepishly explained my situation to
the clerk and asked if I could borrow a broom.
I managed to open a side window and pop the lock on the back
door using the broom handle. When I returned the broom, the
clerk said, "I know you're having a bad day, but..."
"I know, I know," I interrupted. "You want to know how I can
unlock my van with a broom."
"No," she said. "I wanted to tell you that your shirt is on
inside out."
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I know my company has made a big effort to be family
friendly, but I was baffled when I read this holiday an-
nouncement posted on the bulletin board: "All employees
are invited to the annual Christmas party. All children
under the age of ten will receive a gift from Santa.
Employees who have no children may bring grandchildren."
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Homework Help
"Dad," said Little Johnny, "I'm late for football practice.
Would you please do my homework for me?"
The father said irately, "Son, it just wouldn't be right."
"That's okay," replied Little Johnny, "but you could at
least give it a try, couldn't you?"
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Recent Quips from Late Night
"During a recent speech, President Bush said, 'My job is a decision-making job. As a result, I have made a lot of decisions.' Apparently, Bush's decision that day was to write his own speech." --Conan O'Brien "Today is Columbus Day. Or, as Native Americans call it, 'Illegal Immigration Day.'" --Jay Leno "Republican presidential candidate Fred Thompson is being criticized for being out of touch, because in a recent interview, he talked about strengthening our relationship with the Soviet Union. Which, of course, no longer exists. Thompson says he feels bad about the mistake and he plans to personally apologize to Stalin." --Conan O'Brien "The Chicago Cubs were swept by the Arizona Diamondbacks. Do you realize Arizona wasn't even a state the last time the Cubs won the World Series? To give you an idea of how long ago that was, Fred Thompson was still married to his first wife." --Jay Leno "They were celebrating Columbus Day down in Washington, DC, and President Bush was apparently a little confused. Earlier today, he pardoned a lasagna." --David Letterman "President Bush on Wednesday vetoed a bipartisan bill that would have dramatically expanded childrens' health insurance. Explained the president, 'I hate kids.'" --Seth Meyers "According to a poll, Bill Clinton has emerged as an asset in his wife's campaign, with 60% of Americans saying they would be comfortable with him as first husband. While 71% of women say they'd be extremely comfortable with him as a second husband." --Amy Poehler
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Kids on the Subject of Love
WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU" "The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day." (Michelle, 9) HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS "You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you." (Doug, 7) "It might help to watch soap operas all day." (Carin, 9) WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? "It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you...That's why I stopped doing it." (Jean, 10) HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE "Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." (Tom, 7) "Don't forget your wife's name...That will mess up the love." (Roger, 8) "Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the garbage." (Randy, 8)