Today's hUMOR

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says,' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir .' My brother, Dan, the driver says, 'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating . ' Not looking up from her knitting Dan’s wife says: 'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control. ' As the officer writes out the ticket, Dan looks over at his wife and growls,  'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ? '

The wife smiles demurely and says, 'Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher. '

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,  'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut? '

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine. '

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket. '

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving. '

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket , the driver turns to his wife and barks, ' W ILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?? '

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am? '

'Only when he's been drinking, officer! '

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Driving Around

I tell you, men drivers are a hazard to traffic. Driving to work this
morning on the freeway, I looked over to my left and there's this man
in a Mustang doing 95 miles per hour with his face up next to his
rear view mirror ... shaving!!!

I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back, he's
halfway over in my lane.

It scared me so bad I almost dropped my eye liner pencil in my coffee.

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"One Carton and Six Eggs"

This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why on earth did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."

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CleanPun - Tire Shop Sign

Seen on a sign a a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."

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One Liner

Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year.
~ Victor Borge

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CleanQuote

"Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional."

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"Vice Principal Review"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

At a dinner party in the home of friends, our host mentioned his high-school alma mater. One of the guests asked him if he had been a student there at the same time as a particular vice principal.

"I sure was!" answered the host. "He was the biggest jerk I've ever met. Did you know him too?"

"Well, not then," replied the guest. "But my mother married him last Saturday."

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