Batman
I went to dinner with my husband, a male friend of ours, Jim, and his
new girlfriend, Dorothy.
While eating dinner we got on the subject of vacations. Dorothy said
that she wanted to go to Gotham City for her next vacation.
I tried to explain to her that it wasn't a real place. She laughed
and said "It is, too. It's where Batman lives".
I laughed and looked over at Jim who smiled and told me she was
serious. I then tried to explain. "Batman does not exist. Why do you
think there have been three of them: Clooney, Kilmer and Keaton?"
She looked me straight in the eye and said, "That's because he
doesn't want anyone to know who he really is."
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"Jury Duty"
Mrs. Hunter was called to serve for jury duty, but asked to be excused because she didn't believe in capital punishment and didn't want her personal thoughts to prevent the trial from running its proper course. But the public defender liked her thoughtfulness and quiet calm, and tried to convince her that she was appropriate to serve on the jury.
"Madam," he explained, "this is not a murder trial! It's a simple civil lawsuit. A wife is bringing this case against her husband because he gambled away the $12,000 he had promised to use to remodel the kitchen for her birthday."
"Well, okay," agreed Mrs. Hunter, "I'll serve. I guess I could be wrong about capital punishment after all."
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The Cybersalt Digest
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Everyday, the Cybersalt Shaker site has new front page inspirational content, a new cartoon, a new CleanLaugh from the archives, and other material for reading.
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Today's CleanLaugh - "Jury Duty"
Mrs. Hunter was called to serve for jury duty, but asked to be excused because she didn't believe in capital punishment and didn't want her personal thoughts to prevent the trial from running its proper course. But the public defender liked her thoughtfulness and quiet calm, and tried to convince her that she was appropriate to serve on the jury.
"Madam," he explained, "this is not a murder trial! It's a simple civil lawsuit. A wife is bringing this case against her husband because he gambled away the $12,000 he had promised to use to remodel the kitchen for her birthday."
"Well, okay," agreed Mrs. Hunter, "I'll serve. I guess I could be wrong about capital punishment after all."
Today's Oneliner
"Philosophers always arrive at the same conclusion: I don't know."
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"Animal Bites"
The African chieftain was so merciful that, when he ascended to power, he forbade the killing of all animals. Not long thereafter, the lion and cheetah population began to get out of hand, and, starving in the wilds, they began feeding on humans.
Before long, even the antelope and zebra were so plentiful that they began nibbling on natives. The terrified populace petitioned their leader to rescind his edict, but he refused: thus, they had no choice but to overthrow the chief.
Not only was the revolt successful, it went down in history as the first time in the memory of mankind that a reign was called on account of game.
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A couple goes for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and orders
the "Chicken Surprise." The waiter brings the meal, served
in a lidded cast-iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the
pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little
eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches
for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes
looking around before it slams down.
Sputtering in a fit of pique, he calls the waiter over,
describes what is happening, and demands an explanation!
"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"
The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."
"Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking
Duck."
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Thanks to JLH: Can You Figure these Out???
1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose
between three rooms. The first is full of raging
fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded
guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't
eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?
2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him
under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs
him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and
enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?
3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it,
and gray when you throw it away?
4. Can you name three consecutive days without using
the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday,
Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?
5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how
quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it.
It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong
with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is
unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you
still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it
a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any
coaching!
ANSWERS:
1. The third. Lions that haven't eaten in three years
are dead.
2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of
her husband, developed it and hung it up to dry.
3. Charcoal
4. Sure you can: Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow!
5. The letter "e," which is the most common letter in
the English language, does not appear once in the long
paragraph
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From GCFL: Secret Thoughts of Doctors
What the doctor says: "This should be taken care of
right
away."
What the doctor is thinking: I'd planned a trip to
Hawaii next month, but this is so easy and profitable
that I want to fix it before it cures itself.
What the doctor says: "Welllllll, what have we here?"
What the doctor is thinking: He has no idea and is
hoping you'll give him a clue.
"Let me check your medical history." -- I want to see
if you've paid your last bill before spending any more
time with you.
"We have some good news and some bad news." -- The
good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad
news is, you're going to pay for it.
"Let's see how it develops." -- Maybe in a few days it
will grow into something that can be cured.
"Why don't we make another appointment later in the
week."
-- I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste
of time. -- I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for
another office visit.
"Let me schedule you for some tests." -- I have a
forty percent interest in the lab.
"I'd like to prescribe a new drug." -- I'm writing a
paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.
"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call." --
I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by
itself.
"That's quite a nasty looking wound." -- I think I'm
going to throw up.
"This may hurt a little." -- Last week two patients
bit off their tongues.
"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we?" --
I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you
here?
"This should fix you up." -- The drug company slipped
me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.
"Everything seems to be normal." -- Rats! I guess I
can't buy that new beach condo after all.
"I'd like to run some more tests." -- I can't figure
out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve
this one.
"There is a lot of that going around." -- That's the
third one this week! I'd better learn something about
this.
"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
-- I've never heard of anything so disgusting.
Thankfully I'm off next week.
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1. Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
2. Always take time to stop and smell the roses and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.
3. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, just leave me alone.
4. If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.
5. If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.
6. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
7. It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
8. A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.
9. Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group and the "What-ever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is" group.
10. Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.
11. Just remember: You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor's car!
12. When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn.
13. This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.
14. It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
15. Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel, it's a lot cheaper than plastic surgery.
16. This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.
17. Love is like a roller coaster: When it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't you can't wait to throw up.