Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.
Smiling sweetly, she said, "You know, Bobby, when I was a little girl, I was told that if I made ugly faces, my face would freeze and always stay like that."
Bobby looked up into her face and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
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Thanks to CRJ: Thumbprint
A woman was stopped by a traffic cop for a minor
violation.
After examining her driver's license in silence for a
moment he commented, "You know something? This is one
of the finest, most realistic pictures I've ever seen.
I'm glad to see you aren't one of those vain women,
who have their photos retouched to remove all the
lines in their face."
"Sir," she replied icily, "you are looking at my
thumb-print."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks to PW: SQUIRREL PROBLEMS
There were four country churches in a small Alabama
town:
The Presbyterian church, the Baptist church, the
Methodist church and the Catholic Church. Each church
was overrun with pesky squirrels.
One day, the Presbyterian church called a meeting to
decide what to do about the squirrels. After much
prayer and consideration they determined that the
squirrels were predestined to be there and they
shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
In the Baptist church the squirrels had taken up
habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and
decided to put a large plywood cover on the baptistery
and flood it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there
were twice as many there the next week.
The Catholic group got together and decided that they
were not in a position to harm any of God's creation.
So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them
free a few miles outside of town. Three days later,
the squirrels were back.
But -- the Methodist church came up with the best and
most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels
and registered them as members of the church. Now they
only see them on Christmas and Easter...
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How to be politically correct when you comment about women...
She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.
She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.
She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.
She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.
She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.
She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.
She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.
She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE.
She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.
She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT.
She is not an AIR HEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She is not COLD or FRIGID - She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.
She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE