"Parking Space Sign Language"
After driving up and down several lanes, I finally found a parking spot at the shopping mall. I noticed another man driving very slowly in the same direction, and, since he was closer, I gave him the "Are you going to park there?" look.
His responding gestures were very complicated. First he shook his head. Next he pointed at me, then at the parking space and then at himself, his watch and the mall. Finishing off, he frowned, raised his palms upward and shrugged. Once I parked, I walked over to the driver to make sure he didn't want the space.
"You must be single," he replied. "If you were married, you would've known that was the universal sign for 'Go ahead and take the spot. I'm waiting for my wife.'"
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Three Little Piggies Three little piggies went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their orders for drinks.
"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
"I would like a glass of Coke," said the second little piggy.
"I want lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.
"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
"I would like a glass of Coke," said the second little piggy.
"I want lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.
The drinks were brought out and a little later, the waiter took their orders for dinner.
"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.
"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.
"I want lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.
"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.
"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.
"I want lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and awhile later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
"I want a root beer float," said the second piggy.
"I want lots and lots of water!" exclaimed the third little piggy.
"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
"I want a root beer float," said the second piggy.
"I want lots and lots of water!" exclaimed the third little piggy.
"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter, "but why have you only ordered water?"
"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!'" replied the third little piggy.
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"I worry we are spending so much time on the Internet we are losing our ability to connect with people on TV."
~@toddieC
~@toddieC
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If you can't tie good knots, tie plenty of them.
~Yachtsman's Credo
~Yachtsman's Credo
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"On Company Time"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Boss: You got your hair cut on company time.
Susie: It grew on company time.
Boss: Not all that hair.
Susie: I didn't get it all cut.
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"You Might Be An Engineer If…"
* You know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division.
* You chuckle whenever anyone says "centrifugal force."
* You've actually used every single function on your graphing calculator.
* It is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer.
* You frequently whistle the theme song to "MacGyver."
* You have a pet named after a scientist.
* You laugh at jokes about mathematicians.
* You can translate English into Binary.
* You can't remember what's behind the door at the lab that says "Exit."
* You avoid doing anything because you don't want to contribute to the eventual heat-death of the universe.
* You consider ANY non-engineering course "easy."
* When your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely that, according to Heisenberg, it could be anywhere in the universe.
* You'll assume that a "horse" is a "sphere" in order to make the math easier.
* The blinking 12:00 on someone's VCR draws you in like a tractor beam to fix it.
* The salesperson at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions.
* You can't help eavesdropping in computer stores... and correcting the salesperson.
* You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards to see how they do the special effects.
* You have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work.
* You've even calculated how much you make per second.
* Your favorite James Bond character is "Q".
* You understood more than five of these jokes.
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Ticket Explanation Her car was speeding along Interstate 80 at well over 80 miles an hour when it passed by a State Trooper. Obviously, the officer was compelled to pull the young female driver over and he asked to see her license. After looking it over, he said to her, "It stipulates here on your license that you should be wearing glasses."
"Well, I have contacts," the woman replied.
"Look lady, I don't care who you know," snapped the officer. "You're getting a ticket"
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"I am not stupid - everyone else is just smarter than me."
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"You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back."
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"Wedding Toast to Groom"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
My husband, Lawrence, had offered to give the toast at the wedding of his longtime friend Theo. They had shared many happy, and foolish incidents, and as the day approached, there was much speculation as to which events Lawrence was going to reveal.
At the reception when Lawrence rose to speak, the groom looked terrified. "I don't have to tell you anything embarrassing about Theo," Lawrence began, "because for the last three months, he's been so worried about what I might say that he's already confessed everything he could think of to his bride."
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