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An old Wild West fort is about to be attacked. The wily old
general sends for his trusty Indian scout. "You must use all
your thirty years of skill in trying to estimate the sort of
army we are up against here."
The trusty Indian scout lies down and puts his ear to the
ground. "Heap large war party," he says, "maybe three
hundred braves, four chiefs, two on black stallions, two on
white stallions. All have war paint. Many many guns.
Medicine man also with them."
"Good grief!" exclaims the general. "You can tell all of
that just by listening to the ground?"
"No," replies the Indian, "I can see under the gate."
Received from Pastor Tim.
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A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles.
Coincidentally, by chance, while checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed. So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.
Peter, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task. The reverend knew that Peter and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles but he had serious doubts about Louie. Louie was just a little local farmer, who had always tended to keep to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor little Louis stuttered very badly. But, not wanting to discourage poor Louis, the reverend decided to let him try anyway.
He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles and asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to- door selling efforts the following Sunday.
Anxious to find out how successful they were, the reverend immediately asked Peter, "Well, Peter, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?"
Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Peter replied, "Father, using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church."
"Fine job, Peter!" The reverend said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."
Turning to Paul, he asked "And Paul, how many bibles did you manage to sell for the church last week?"
Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied,"Reverend, I am a professional salesman and was happy to give the church the benefit of my sales expertise. Last week I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected."
The reverend responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you."
Apprehensively, the reverend turned to little Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?"
Louie silently offered the reverend a large envelope. The reverend opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?" the reverend exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?
Louie just nodded.
That's impossible!" both Peter and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could."
"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the reverend agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to do accomplish this, Louie."
Louie shrugged. "I-I-I- re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.
Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"
"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Computer Help Desk
Heard by the computer help desk:
A customer couldn't get on the Internet:
Helpdesk: "Are you sure you used the right password?"
Customer: "Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it."
Helpdesk: "Can you tell me what the password was?"
Customer: "Five stars."
Helpdesk: "What kind of computer do you have?"
Customer: "A white one."
______
Customer: "Hi, this is Rose. I can't get my diskette out."
Helpdesk: "Have you tried pushing the button?"
Customer: "Yes, sure, it's really stuck."
Helpdesk: "That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note."
Customer: "No... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... Sorry..."
______
Helpdesk: "Click on the 'My Computer' icon on to the left of the screen."
Customer: "Your left or my left?"
______
Helpdesk: "Good day. How may I help you?"
Male customer: "Hello, I can't print."
Helpdesk: "Would you click on start for me and..."
Customer: "Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates, you know!"
______
Customer: "Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says, 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says it can't find it."
______
Customer: "I have problems printing in red."
Helpdesk: "Do you have a color printer?"
Customer: "Aaaah... Thank you."
______
Customer: "My keyboard is not working anymore."
Helpdesk: "Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?"
Customer: "No. I can't get behind the computer."
Helpdesk: "Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back."
Customer: "Okay."
Helpdesk: "Did the keyboard come with you?"
Customer: "Yes."
Helpdesk: "That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?"
Customer: "Yes, there's another one here. Ahh, that one works!"
______
Helpdesk: "Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital letter 'V' as in Victor, and the number '7'."
Customer: "Is that '7' in capital letters?"
______
Helpdesk: "What anti-virus program do you use?"
Customer: "Netscape."
Helpdesk: "That's not an anti-virus program."
Customer: "Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer."
______
Customer: "I have a huge problem. A friend has put a screensaver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!"
______
Helpdesk: "How may I help you?"
Customer: "I'm writing my first e-mail."
Helpdesk: "Okay, and what seems to be the problem?"
Customer: "Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's Oneliner.
"Nothing is impossible for the person who doesn't have to do it."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's CleanPun. - Spooky Puns
Q: What is Frankenstein's favorite waterway?
A: The Eerie Canal.
Q: What is a ghosts favorite ride at the midway?
A: A roller ghoster!!
Q: Why does the Mummy keep his Band-aids in the refrigerator?
A: He wants to use them later for cold cuts!!
--Johnny B. age 10, Clarksdale,MS
Q: What is Dracula's favorite coffee?
A: De'coffin'ated!
Q: What is a baby ghost's favorite game?
A: Peek-a-boo!
--Michael R. age 9 Hanford,CA
Q: How does a werewolf like his eggs for breakfast?
A: Terrorfried!
--Johnny B. age 10, Clarksdale,MS
Q: What is a Mummies' favorite type of music?
A: Wrap!
--James H. age 9, Austin,TX
Q: Why didn't the skeleton dance at the party?
A: He had no body to dance with.
--Henrietta J. from the Bronx
Q: What is a vampire's favorite holiday?
A: Fangsgiving.
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Horrible Pun...
A recent college graduate took a new job in a hilly
Eastern city and began commuting each day to work
through a tiring array of tunnels, bridges and traffic
jams.
To make the task less onerous, he invited several of
his co-workers to share the ride. He soon found,
however, that the commute continued to get more
stressful, especially the trips through the tunnels.
He consulted the company doctor.
"Doc," the frustrated commuter complained, "I'm fine
on the bridges, in the traffic, in the day and at
night, and even when Joe forgets to bathe all week
long. But when I get in the tunnels and I've got those
four other guys crowded around me in the car, I get
anxious and dizzy and feel like I'm going to explode."
Without further analysis, the doctor announced he had
identified the ailment.
"What is it, Doc? Am I going insane?"
"No, no, no, my boy. You have something very common in
these parts."
"Please tell me! What is it?"
"You have what is known as.... Carpool Tunnel
Syndrome."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
One Out Of Season
My high school English teacher was well known for
being a fair, but hard, grader. One day I received a B
minus on a theme paper. In hopes of bettering my grade
and in the spirit of the Valentine season, I sent her
an extravagant heart-shaped box of chocolates with the
pre-printed inscription: "Be Mine."
The following day, I received in return, a valentine
from the teacher. It read: "Thank you, but it's still
Be Mine-Us."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Q. Wht do you get when you cross a cow with a rabbit?
A. A hare in your milk.
******************************************************
Q. What do you call a man who sits at your front
door?
A. Matt.
******************************************************
My friend Tom said he stopped watching golf on TV. His
doctor recommended that he get more exercise. So now
he watches tennis....
****************
The after-dinner speaker just didn't have a 'Stop
Button.' He babbled on and on and on, oblivious to his
increasingly restless audience.
Finally, one of the more drunken diners hurled an
empty soda bottle at him. It misses, and hit the
Chairman instead.
As the Chairman slid slowly to the floor, clutching
his head, he was heard to murmur. . .
"Hit me again, I can still hear him."