hUMOR For April 30th

Swedes

OUR FAVORITE MINNESOTANS, OLE AND LENA, ARE AT IT AGAIN!
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Ole and Lena were out walking and Lena clutched her heart and fell to the sidewalk. Ole got out his cell phone and called 9-1-1. The Operator said 'Where are you?'
Ole answered, 'We were walking and Lena is on the sidewalk on Eucalyptus Street .' The operator asked, 'How do you spell that?' The phone seemed to go dead. The operator kept shouting for Ole. She could hear him panting. He finally came back on line and said, 'I dragged her over to Oak Street, that's O-A-K.'
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Two Norwegian hunters from Minnesota got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose. The two lads objected strongly, 'Last year we shot six and the pilot
let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours.' Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few moments after takeoff. Climbing out of the wreck one Norski asked the other, 'Any idea where we are?' 'Yaaah, I tink we's pretty close to where we crashed last year.'
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Lena called the airlines information desk and inquired, 'How long does it take to fly from Minneapolis to Fargo ?' 'Yust a minute,' said the busy clerk. 'Vell,' said Lena , 'if it has to go dat fast, I tink I'll yust take da bus.'
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The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena , who had charged nonsupport. He said to Ole, 'I have decided to give your wife $400 a month for support.' 'Vell, dat's fine, Judge,' smiled Ole. 'And vunce in a while I'll try to chip in a few bucks, myself.'
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Lars, the bartender, asked Ole, 'Do ya know da difference between a Norwegian and a canoe?' 'No, I don't,' answered Ole. 'A canoe will sometimes tip,' explained Lars.
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Ole is so cheap that after his airplane landed safely he grumbled, 'Vell, Deere gose five dollars down da drain for dat flight insurance!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

Lars: 'Ole, stant in front of my car and tell me if da turn signals are working.' Ole: 'Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No.'

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Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena 's knee. Giggling, Lena said, 'Ole, you can go a little farther now if ya vant to.' So Ole drove to Duluth.
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Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole. Lena replied, 'You yust put 'Ole died.''
The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, asked, 'That's it? Just 'Ole died.'? Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say about Ole. If it's money you're concerned about, the first five words are free. We must say something more.' So Lena pondered for a few minutes and
finally said, ' OK. You put, Ole died. Boat for sale'
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Ole and Lars were on their very first train ride. They had brought along bananas for lunch. Just as they began to peel them, the train entered a long, dark tunnel. 'Have you eaten your banana yet?' Ole asked excitedly. 'No,' replied Lars. 'Vell, don't touch it den,' Ole exclaimed, 'I yust took vun bite and vent blind!'
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Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday A few weeks later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it 'Oh,' said Ole, 'I persuaded her to svitch to a clarinet.' 'How come?' asked Lars. 'Vell,' Ole answered, 'because vith a clarinet she can't sing.'
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Ole and Lena went to the Olympics. While sitting on a bench a lady turned to Ole and asked, 'Are you a pole vaulter?' Ole replied, 'No, I'm Norvegian and my name ain't Valter.'
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And dat's enough!

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"Deacon's Minutes"

The newly elected secretary for the Deacon Board at church submitted this report:

October the something Deacon's meeting

Present was most of the deacons; one was absent.

Chairman Tad asked Luke to say something, and he did.

New officers were needed; some of us were arm twisted into taking the positions.

Some old business was remembered, and most of it had been approved. What wasn't was not important.

We tried to think of some new business, but it was decided that we're too old to be new.

Some of the deacons were getting tired so we decided to get out of the meeting.

(Secretary's note: I said I would type the meeting minutes; not that they would be worth a hoot!!)

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"Tail Whacker"

A woman was working in her yard with the weed whacker, when she accidentally cut off the tail of her cat.

She ran screaming into the house, and told her husband, wondering what to do.

He replied calmly, "Get the cat, and the tail, and we'll take them to Wal-Mart."

She was incredulous. "How could that possibly help?" she asked.

"Well," he replied, "they're the world's largest retailer."

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High Blood Pressure”

Activated from the Army Reserves for a joint service Arctic exercise, I was assigned to the air reconnaissance section.

Although I had recently been promoted, I was feeling rusty, and wanted to get started learning my duties so as not to appear too "green."

I confided to the Air Force lieutenant colonel who greeted me that I was anxious to meet the Air Boss right away.

"Don't worry, son," he said reassuringly, "the Air Boss is a real professional, knows his stuff cold and works well with his people. Great guy."

"Terrific!" I replied. "What's his name?"

Looking through the roster, the welcoming officer replied, "O'Hara."

"Oh, no," I groaned. "That's me."

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Mortgage Salesman

The phone rang and the lady picked it up... It
was a salesman from a Mortgage refinance company.
"Do you have a second mortgage on your home?"

"No," she replied.

"Would you like to consolidate all your debts?"

"I really don't have any," she said.

"How about freeing up cash for home improvements?” he tried.

"I don't need any. I just recently had some done and paid cash," she parried.

There was a brief silence, and then he asked,
"Are you looking for a Husband?"

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Rules For Managers

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Even better, hover behind me, and advise me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is priority. I am psychic . 6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager's hades.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so many taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.

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Birthday Hint

It will be my wife's birthday tomorrow. When I asked her what she wanted, she hinted that something with diamonds would be nice. So I've bought her a packet of playing cards!