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Kids Off Track
Kids statements that are a little... off track:
* God bless America thru the night with a light from a bulb!
* Oh Susanna, Oh don't you cry for me, For I come from Alabama with a band-aid on my knee!
* Give us this day our deli bread! Glory be to the Father and to the Son and to the Whole East Coast.
* We shall come to Joyce's, bringing in the cheese.
* Gladly, the consecrated, cross-eyed bear.
* He carrots for you.
* Yield Not to Penn Station.
* Dust Around the Throne.
* Praise God From whom all blessings flow, Praise Him all creatures, HERE WE GO
* Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call himnames.
* While shepherds washed their socks by night
* He socked me and boxed me with His redeeming glove.
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Do Not
Do not ride in automobiles: they are responsible for
20% of all fatal accidents. . .
Do not stay home: 17% of all accidents occur in the
home. . .
Do not walk on the streets or sidewalks: 14% of all
accidents occur to pedestrians. . .
Do not travel by air, rail, or water: 16% of all
accidents happen on these. . .
Only .001% of all deaths occur in worship services in
church, and these are usually related to previous
physical disorders. . .
Hence the safest place for you to be at any time is at
church! See you Sunday! author - unknown...
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Women Vs. Men! LoL
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her
daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her
boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her
husband is on the back of the milk carton.
WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items
the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her
wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set
in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come
shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil
thing I could do to him legally."
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never
understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it
onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with
communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's
favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and
whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles,
not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an
argument and neither of them wanted to concede their
position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
he husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many
words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.The
wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to
repeat everything to men...The husband then turned to
his wife and asked, "What?"
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you
can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same
time.
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me
beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made
me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up
first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get
our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking
around here and you should do it, because that is your
job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it
is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
and showed him at the top of several pages, that it
indeed says.........."HEBREWS"
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would
need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early
morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and
LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me
at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find
it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it
was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he
was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened
him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
God may have created man before woman,
but there is always a rough draft before the
masterpiece.