Banged Up
"What happened?" asked the hospital visitor to the heavily
bandaged man sitting up in bed.
"Well, I went down to
take a ride on the roller coaster. As we came up to the top
of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of
the track. I tried to read it but it was very small and I
couldn't make it out. I was so curious that I decided to go
round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn't see
what the sign said. By now, I was determined to read that
sign so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I
stood up in the car to get a better view."
"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?"
asked the visitor.
"Yes."
"What did it say?"
"Don't stand up in the car!"
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On the Way to Heaven
One day a Jerry, Perry, and Cletus were on their way to heaven.
God told them the stairs to heaven were 1,000 steps and on every step he was going to tell them a joke. If they laughed they would not be able to get to heaven.
So Jerry made it to the 45th step and laughed.
Perry made it to the 200th step and laughed.
But Cletus made it to the 999th step and laughed even before god told his joke.
God asked, "Why did you laugh I haven't even told the joke yet"
Cletus responded, "I know I just now got the first one!!!"
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Firing Squad
Jerry, Perry, and Cletus get captured and are placed before a firing squad. They are about to be executed when Jerry exclaims, "Look...Hurricane" and points to his left while he gets away.
Perry follows up with, "Look...Tornado," points and gets away.
Finally Cletus tries to do the same thing and says "Fire!"
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Snickerin' at Bumpers
- Hang up and drive!
- Welcome to
- Heart Attacks. God's revenge for eating His animal friends.
- Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.
- Some people just don't know how to drive. I call these people: "Everybody, But
- Try not to let your mind wander. It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.
- Everyone has the right to be stupid but you abuse the privilege.
- I smile because I have no Idea whats going on.
- Stop following me. I don't know where I'm going
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Little Johnny and Geography
Teacher: Little Vernie, go to the map and find
Little Vernie: Here it is!
Teacher: Correct. Now, class, who discovered
Class: Little Vernie!
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"Whenever I dwell for any length of time on my own short-
comings, they gradually begin to seem mild, harmless, rather
engaging little things, not at all like the staring defects
in other people's characters." --Margaret Halsey
***
"There are two kinds of people who never amount to much:
those who cannot do what they are told, and those who can
do nothing else." --Cyrus Curtis
***
"The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love
our enemies; probably because generally they are the same
people." --G. K. Chesterton
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When I was a 20-something college student, I became quite
friendly with my study partner, a 64-year-old man, who
had returned to school to finish his degree. He confessed,
with a wink, that he had once thought more than friendship
might be a possibility between us.
"So what changed your mind?" I asked him.
"I went to my doctor and asked if he thought a 40-year age
difference between a man and woman was insurmountable. He
looked at my chart and said, 'You're interested in someone
who's 104?'"
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Some time ago, there was this artist who worked from a
studio in his home. He specialized in nudes and had been
working on what he thought would be a masterpiece for
several months now.
As usual, his model reported and after exchanging the
usual greetings and small talk, she began to undress
for the day's work.
He told her not to bother, that he felt pretty bad with a
cold he had been fighting. He added that he would pay her
for the day but that she could just go home; he just
wanted some hot tea and then, off to bed.
The model said "Oh, please, let me fix it for you. It's the
least I can do."
He agreed and told her to fix herself a cup too. They were
sitting in the living room just exchanging small talk and
enjoying their tea when he heard the front door open and
close, then some familiar footsteps. "Oh my God!" he
whispered loudly, "It's my wife! Quick! Take all your
clothes off!"
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Wirgin Honeymoon
Ole's par-fect golf experience...
Ole, out on the golf course, takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the Doctor.
He said, “How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiancée,
The Doctor told him, “I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.”
He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided splint, and taped it all together - quite an impressive work of art.
Ole mentions none of this to
That night in the motel room,
Ole immediately drops his pants and replies, “Look at dis, still in da CRATE!”
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Wake Up!
Two mothers are having a conversation about their children one day.
"How do you get your son up so early on school mornings?" asks the first woman.
"Oh, that's easy," replies the second. "I just throw the cat on his bed."
"Why does that wake him up?"
"He sleeps with the dog!"
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Fifteen reasons why men have 2 dogs and not 2 wives:
1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.
7. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
8. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
9. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
10. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, 'If I died, would you get another dog?'
11. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
12. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
13. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
14. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
And last, but not least,
15. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff