Thursday, May 08, 2008

hUMOR For May 8th

Banged Up

"What happened?" asked the hospital visitor to the heavily

bandaged man sitting up in bed.

"Well, I went down to Margate at the weekend and decided to

take a ride on the roller coaster. As we came up to the top

of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of

the track. I tried to read it but it was very small and I

couldn't make it out. I was so curious that I decided to go

round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn't see

what the sign said. By now, I was determined to read that

sign so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I

stood up in the car to get a better view."

"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?"

asked the visitor.

"Yes."

"What did it say?"

"Don't stand up in the car!"

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On the Way to Heaven

One day a Jerry, Perry, and Cletus were on their way to heaven.

God told them the stairs to heaven were 1,000 steps and on every step he was going to tell them a joke. If they laughed they would not be able to get to heaven.

So Jerry made it to the 45th step and laughed.

Perry made it to the 200th step and laughed.

But Cletus made it to the 999th step and laughed even before god told his joke.

God asked, "Why did you laugh I haven't even told the joke yet"

Cletus responded, "I know I just now got the first one!!!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Firing Squad

Jerry, Perry, and Cletus get captured and are placed before a firing squad. They are about to be executed when Jerry exclaims, "Look...Hurricane" and points to his left while he gets away.

Perry follows up with, "Look...Tornado," points and gets away.

Finally Cletus tries to do the same thing and says "Fire!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Snickerin' at Bumpers

- Hang up and drive!

- Welcome to America. Now speak English

- Heart Attacks. God's revenge for eating His animal friends.

- Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.

- Some people just don't know how to drive. I call these people: "Everybody, But Me."

- Try not to let your mind wander. It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.

- Everyone has the right to be stupid but you abuse the privilege.

- I smile because I have no Idea whats going on.

- Stop following me. I don't know where I'm going

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Little Johnny and Geography

Teacher: Little Vernie, go to the map and find North America.

Little Vernie: Here it is!

Teacher: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?

Class: Little Vernie!

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"Whenever I dwell for any length of time on my own short-

comings, they gradually begin to seem mild, harmless, rather

engaging little things, not at all like the staring defects

in other people's characters." --Margaret Halsey

***

"There are two kinds of people who never amount to much:

those who cannot do what they are told, and those who can

do nothing else." --Cyrus Curtis

***

"The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love

our enemies; probably because generally they are the same

people." --G. K. Chesterton

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

When I was a 20-something college student, I became quite

friendly with my study partner, a 64-year-old man, who

had returned to school to finish his degree. He confessed,

with a wink, that he had once thought more than friendship

might be a possibility between us.

"So what changed your mind?" I asked him.

"I went to my doctor and asked if he thought a 40-year age

difference between a man and woman was insurmountable. He

looked at my chart and said, 'You're interested in someone

who's 104?'"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Some time ago, there was this artist who worked from a

studio in his home. He specialized in nudes and had been

working on what he thought would be a masterpiece for

several months now.

As usual, his model reported and after exchanging the

usual greetings and small talk, she began to undress

for the day's work.

He told her not to bother, that he felt pretty bad with a

cold he had been fighting. He added that he would pay her

for the day but that she could just go home; he just

wanted some hot tea and then, off to bed.

The model said "Oh, please, let me fix it for you. It's the

least I can do."

He agreed and told her to fix herself a cup too. They were

sitting in the living room just exchanging small talk and

enjoying their tea when he heard the front door open and

close, then some familiar footsteps. "Oh my God!" he

whispered loudly, "It's my wife! Quick! Take all your

clothes off!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Wirgin Honeymoon
Ole's par-fect golf experience...


Ole, out on the golf course, takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the Doctor.

He said,
How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiancée, Lena, is still a wirgin - in every vay.

The Doctor told him,
I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.

He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided splint, and taped it all together - quite an impressive work of art.

Ole mentions none of this to Lena, marries her, and they go on their honeymoon.

That night in the motel room, Lena rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful untouched breasts. She said,
You're the first vun. No vun has EVER seen deez.

Ole immediately drops his pants and replies,
Look at dis, still in da CRATE!

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Wake Up!

Two mothers are having a conversation about their children one day.

"How do you get your son up so early on school mornings?" asks the first woman.

"Oh, that's easy," replies the second. "I just throw the cat on his bed."

"Why does that wake him up?"

"He sleeps with the dog!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Fifteen reasons why men have 2 dogs and not 2 wives:


1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.


2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.


3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.


4. A dog's parents never visit.


5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.


6. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.


7. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.


8. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.


9. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.


10. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, 'If I died, would you get another dog?'


11. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.


12. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.


13. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.


14. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.


And last, but not least,

15. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff