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Reasons I'd like to thank Wal-Mart, Kmart, Target, and mylocal grocer for having twenty-five checkout lanes and onlythree open at any given time:Waiting in long lines keeps my domestic brain from goingcompletely idle -- there's so much to learn!Did you know they now sell primed faux wood moldings for thehome? I hate to prime. I don't mind striking upconversations with perfect strangers though. One lady toldme which DMV office had the shortest wait and officers whoactually smile. Another trapped customer gave me hergreat-grandmother's secret pickling recipe.I also learned to be grateful I don't live next door to thesnot-nosed whiny child hanging upside down from the shoppingcart in front of me; how many calories are in a Tic Tac;items once marketed as "Only available through thisexclusive TV offer!" eventually make it to the store in abox marked, "As seen on TV"; and that Oprah was abducted byaliens who also share an affinity for jersey sheets andprivate chefs. Which reminds me of other reasons I don'tmind waiting in long checkout lines:I can catch up on my magazine reading without buying any.I have time to leave my cart in line and run back to get thethirteen things on my list I forgot.I can be one of those annoying cell phone users and catch upon all my phone calls to my insurance agent, mother-in-law,and Auntie Babe.I can catch a quick catnap now rather than on the drivehome.I can assess what other people have in their carts and getexciting new dinner ideas.I can finally apply my top coat of nail polish with plentyof drying time.I can run next door and pick up my dry cleaning.I can update my coupon organizer and leave the trash in thewe-never-open-enough-checkout-lanes store instead of mypurse.I can clean out my purse and leave the trash in thewe-never-open-enough-checkout-lanes store instead of my car.I can practice my standup comedy routines on unsuspectingfellow customers.I can practice some standing yoga poses and then do thoseisometric muscle-contracting exercises no one else in lineis supposed to know you're doing.I can taste test my package of the newest low-carb,zero-transfat, Splenda-saturated cookies.I can breathe heavily on my T-bones so they're defrosted intime for dinner and I won't have to leave them out on thedriveway in the hot late afternoon sun as I normally do.I can scribble notes for next week's column on the box ofsugar bomb cereal -- maybe something about the merits ofgrocery delivery.
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A bunch of pastor were sitting around the office playing poker. "I win!" said Johnson, at which point Henderson threw down his cards.
"That's it! I've had it! Johnson is cheating!"
"How can you tell?" Phillips asked.
"Those aren't the cards I dealt him!"
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Golf Hole
A young minister and Mr. Sims, an elderly parishioner, were playing golf. The minister's game was off and the old man was beating him quite badly.
At the end of the game, the Mr. Sims tried to console his minister by saying, "don't worry, Reverend. One of these days you'll be burying me."
"Yes," sighed the minister, "but even then, it will be your hole!"
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Here is today's Oneliner.
"Don't wear your glasses on a blind date - you'll look better, and your date will too."
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Here is today's CleanPun. - Bird Brother
Said mother tern to baby, "as you have been so good, would you like a brother?"
Said baby tern to mother, "Oh Yes! One good tern, deserves another."
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Thanks to SUNSHINEROSE28 -- Think A Moment..."Some Minds are like concrete------- Thoroughly mixedup, and permanently set."
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Boat NameMy friend wanted a boat more than anything. His wife kept refusing, but he bought one anyway."I'll tell you what," he told her. "In the spirit of compromise, why don't you name the boat?" Being a good sport, she accepted.When her husband went to the dock for the maiden voyage, this is the name he saw painted on the side: "For Sale."
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