I had just pulled into a parking spot at the home improvement store when
smoke and flames began pouring from under my hood. Frantic, I bolted into
the store and ran up to the first clerk I saw. As luck would have it, he was
standing behind the customer service counter.
"Please help," I gasped. "My car's on fire! I need a fire extinguisher!"
Without even looking up, he replied, "Aisle 12."
+++++++++++++++++++
"At 38 years, I finally got me the woman that said those six words I wanted
all my life to hear: 'My dad owns a liquor store.'" - Mark Klein
+++++++++++++++++++
Recent Quips from Late Night
"Democratic presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich is heading an 'Impeach Dick Cheney' movement. First of all, how many heart attacks has Cheney had? Five? Six? Want to get rid of this guy? Buy him a cheeseburger." --Jay Leno "This morning in Washington, President Bush attended the 6th Annual Hispanic Prayer Breakfast. At the breakfast, President Bush showed off his Spanish by ordering 'El Capitan Cruncho.'" --Conan O'Brien "All of the candidates have released their financial statements. Turns out Bill Clinton made $10 million from speaking engagements last year. See that sounds glamorous, but imagine all those nights in a hotel room, Hillary half-way across the country, him sitting there by himself all lonely." --Jay Leno "President Bush was in Albania. He thought he was going to Albany. Anyway, he ended up in Albania ... and somebody stole his watch. Bush is upset. He is really angry. He said he now has no choice but to bomb Iran." --David Letterman "The Pentagon has admitted they once tried to develop a gay bomb -- a bomb that would turn enemy soldiers gay. They said their goal was to turn the Iraq war into a musical. ... Gay bomb? Talk about a troop surge. ... I believe the main ingredients in the gay bomb are an agent orange with a chartreuse accent." --Jay Leno "Yesterday, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger told a Latino group if immigrants want to learn English, they should not read foreign-language newspapers. The Latino group told Arnold, 'How about you tell us how you learned English, and we'll do the opposite.'" --Conan O'Brien "Presidential candidate Tommy Thompson ... gave a major campaign speech yesterday. A major speech to let everyone know he is not dropping out of the race ... and he is entering the Iowa straw poll and he intends to win it. And then the kid at the McDonald's drive-thru said, 'You want fries, Mr.?'" --Jay Leno
+++++++++++++++++++
Alphabet
Little Johnny asks the teacher, "Teacher, can I go to the bathroom?" The teacher says, "Yes, but only after you recite the alphabet Johnny." Little Johnny says, "Fine" and quickly babbles out: a "ABCDEFGHIJKLMNO_QRSTUVWXYZ!" The teacher asks, "Where is the P?" Johnny replies, "Running down my leg. Please let me go to the bathroom!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Beethoven's Grave
A daring vacationer in Vienna is walking through a graveyard when all of a sudden she hears music. No one is around, so she starts looking to see where ita (tm)s coming from. She finally locates the source and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads, a oeLudwig van Beethoven.a Then she realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward. Puzzled, she leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with her. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but it is also being played backward. Curious, the ladies agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing and the expert concludes that the symphonies are in fact being played in reverse order. By the next day the word spread and a huge group gathered around the grave to hear the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker approaches the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music. "Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker. "He's just decomposing!!"
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a stone? Because nothing like this had ever entered his mind before. Did you hear about the man who bought had a dog with no legs? He called it cigarette. He used to take it out for a drag. What did the Zen Buddhist Monk say to the Hotdog Vender? Make me One with everything.
+++++++++++++++++++
No Novocaine
A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to
the dentist. "I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want
novocaine because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just
extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on
our way."
The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a
courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?"
The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your
tooth, dear."
+++++++++++++++++++
The best work in the world is done by people who's bosses don't know what
they're doing.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Ice Cream Flavors"
The young man entered the Ice Cream Palace and asked, "What kinds of ice cream do you have?"
"Vanilla, chocolate, strawberry," the girl wheezed as she spoke, patted her chest and seemed unable to continue.
"Do you have laryngitis?" the young man asked sympathetically.
"Nope," she whispered, "just vanilla, chocolate and strawberry."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Musical Note"
The first graders were attending their first music lesson. The teacher was trying to begin at the beginning. She drew a musical staff on the blackboard and asked a little girl to come up and write a note on it.
The little girl went to the blackboard, looked thoughtful for a minute and wrote, "Dear Aunt Emma, just a short note to tell you I'm fine."
+++++++++++++++++++
First Day of Psychiatry ClassThe aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?""Sadness," said the student.And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma."Elation," she said."And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "How about the opposite of woe?"The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."