Oneliner
"It's not me who can't keep a secret it's the people I tell that can't."
- Abraham Lincoln
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"Speeding"
The state trooper pulled Dr. Schwartz over and, after inspecting his license and registration, informed the motorist that he was going to have to spend the night in jail.
"What's the charge? Dr. Schwartz demanded.
"None," replied the officer. "It's all part of the service."
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Hearing AidMy wife and I laughed when John, a neighbor, told us how his hearing aid occasionally emits a high-pitched squeal that can be heard by anyone near him. His granddaughter was sitting on his lap one day when the device started to beep.Surprised, the granddaughter looked up at him and said, "Oh, Grampa, you've got e-mail!"
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”Making Mistakes”
A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party.
"What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked.
"Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer. "What do you do?"
The minister replied "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but instead I said 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go."
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More Animal Truisms
If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket then giving Fido only two of them. In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him. No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does. Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life. Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane. Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this. We wonder why the dogs always drink out of our toilets, but look at it from their point of view: why do humans keep peeing into their water bowls? When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem. Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
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A Mommy Moment
Four-year-old Mitch loved candy almost as much as his mom Ann did. He and Daddy had given her a beautiful heart-shaped box of chocolates for Valentine's Day. A few days later Mitch was eyeing it, wishing to have a piece of it. As he reached out to touch one of the big pieces, Ann said to him, "If you touch it, then you have to eat it. Do you understand?" "Oh, yes," he said, nodding his head. Suddenly his little hand patted the tops of all the pieces of candy. "Now I can eat them all."
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Ice Cream Humor
Q. How do astronauts eat their ice creams A. In floats Q: How do you make a dinosaur float? A: Put a scoop of ice cream in a glass of root beer and add one dinosaur! Q: What do you get from an Alaskan cow ? A: Ice Cream Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a bowl of ice cream by its diameter? A: Pi a'la mode.
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Foreign Language
A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacks them. The mother mouse goes, "BARK!" and the cat runs away. "See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's important to learn a foreign language?"
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Frequent hand washing in my job as a medical technologist and the harsh
weather combined give me very dry skin.
One night as I prepared for bed, I rubbed my hands with petroleum jelly and
covered them with an old pair of white gloves. As I sat in bed reading a
book with my gloves on, my husband finished showering and came into the room
wearing a towel.
Drying himself off, he went to the closet, selected a tie and put it on.
"What are you doing?" I asked.
"Well" he replied, "if you are going to be formal. So am I."
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A Cherokee Indian was a special guest at an elementary school. He talked to
the children about his tribe and its traditions, then shared with them this
fun fact: "There are no swear words in the Cherokee language."
One boy raised his hand, "But what if you're hammering a nail and
accidentally smash your thumb?"
"That," the man answered, "is when we use your language."
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"Some can trace their family back 300 years, but can't tell you where their
children are tonight." - Lawrence Brotherton
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Hell's in bad shape
There was a fence that divided Heaven from Hell. One day God notices that the devil's side is in pretty bad shape. It is falling down, badly in need of paint, weeds growing up around it, etc. So, God hollers over the fence, “Hey Satan, why don't you fix up your side of the fence?” Satan hollers back, “Why don't you mind your own business.” So God says, “I'll hire a lawyer and sue you if you don't.” The devil replies, "Yeah, right. Where are YOU going to find a lawyer?"
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Jack's Last Will and Testament
Jack has died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out Jack's Last Will and Testament: "To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 50 acres of land, and 1 million dollars. To my son Barry, I leave my Big Lexus and the Jaguar. To my daughter Suzy, I leave my yacht and $250,000. And to my brother-in-law Jeff, who always insisted that health is better than wealth, I leave my treadmill."
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Baste a turkey
A State Police colleague of mine once received a call from a woman who asked him how to baste a turkey. After a stunned moment, he, being a fairly good cook, described the procedure. Then he asked, "But why would you call the State Police to find out how to baste a turkey?" There was only a slight hesitation before she replied, "Well, you knew, didn't you?" and hung up.
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Too Late, He's Long Dead
The orthopaedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and his staff was helping transport many of the items. I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, and had fastened the seatbelt around it to stop it falling over. I hadn't considered the drive across town. At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became obvious, and I looked across and explained, "I'm delivering him to my doctor's office." The other driver leaned out of his window. "I hate to tell you, man," he said, "but I think it's too late!"
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A park ranger in the Everglades was making his rounds a couple of summers
ago when a woman came bolting out of the weeds right in front of his truck.
She seemed frantic and he finally got her calm enough to say that her
five-year-old son was sitting on the back of an alligator.
Now the ranger was frantic. Running in the direction she was pointing he
found the lad astride a twelve foot male alligator which was trying to
relieve itself of its load by twisting and snapping. As the brave ranger
moved in he tried to console the mother by saying, "I think I can grab the
boy and move away before the gator moves. Be ready to grab your son. I may
have to shoot the gator."
To which the lady replies "Good Heavens, no! Don't shoot him. I just wanted
you to make him hold still for a minute so I can take a picture."
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Torrential rainstorms were knocking down power lines all over town. That
meant, as a customer service rep for the electric company, I was dispatching
repairmen right and left.
When one lineman called a customer to get her exact address, he was told,
"I'm at Post Office Box 99."
The weary lineman replied, "Ma'am, I'll be coming to you in a truck, not an
envelope."
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"I took my parents back to the airport today. They're flying home
tomorrow." - Margaret Smith