No Pets Allowed
Two buddies were out one Saturday, walking their dogs. One had a Doberman Pinscher and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the guy with the Doberman said, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat." The guy with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us." The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead." They walked over to the restaurant and the guy with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed." The man with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The bouncer said, "A Doberman pinscher?" The man said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good." The bouncer let him in. His buddy with the Chihuahua put on his pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed." The man with the Chihuahua said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?" The man exclaimed, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a Chihuahua?!"
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Strange Necktie
A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission.
So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation, he ties these around his neck, managing to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot, and lets the ends dangle free.
He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few seconds and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just don't start anything."
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The computer company my wife works for distributed a corporate clothing
catalogue that included a pair of cuff links. One was inscribed Ctrl
(control) and the other Esc (escape), just as they look on a computer
keyboard.
"They would make a good present for any man," my wife commented to a
colleague, "if only to remind him of the two things he can never have."
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A Golfer walks into the pro shop at the local course and asks the golf pro
if they sell ball markers.
The golf pro says, "Yes, they are just $1.00 each. "
The guy gives the golf pro a dollar and says he'll take one.
The golf pro opens the register, puts the dollar in the tray and with a big
smile hands the guy a quarter.
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"The shortest distance between two points is how far apart they are." -
Douglas Helsel
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Granny's PieGranny Adams made such beautiful pies! One day I asked her, "How do you get such beautiful pies with the crimps around the edge so even?""Well, it's a family secret," she said. "But if you promise not to tell, I'll let you in on it.""Okay," I said. "Tell me!""Well, first, I roll out the dough, making sure it is flat and even. Then I cut out the bottom layer and carefully put in the pie plate and make sure it is firmly against the sides of the plate.Then I slowly pour in the filling, making sure it's not too full.Next, I cut out the top layer and carefully put it over the filling.Finally, I take out my teeth and just run them around the edge of the pie crust and they make the nicest even impressions you ever did see!"
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”Football Wedding”
Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding. One says, "It's ridiculous! He's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?"
The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family."
"What do you call it?"
"We call it a football wedding."
The first asks, "What's a football wedding?"
The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!"
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"Pink Humvees"
Our division had to repaint our Humvees to a sand color for Desert Storm.The result was a pinkish hue, and the jokes began.
One wag renamed us the Pink Panzer Division, but the best was the Humvee bumper sticker:
"Ask me about Mary Kay."
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CleanQuote
"Frustration: Trying to find your glasses without your glasses."
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"Christmas Love" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
I don't usually go for different versions of the "Love Chapter" (1 Corinthians 13), but I like this one.
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If I decorate my house perfectly with plaid bows,strands of twinkling lights and shiny balls,but do not show love to my family,I'm just another decorator.
If I slave away in the kitchen,baking dozens of Christmas cookies,preparing gourmet mealsand arranging a beautifully adorned table at mealtime:but do not show love to my family,I'm just another cook.
If I work at a soup kitchencarol in the nursing home,and give all that I have to charity;but do not show love to my family,it profits me nothing.
If I trim the spruce with shimmering angelsand crocheted snowflakes,attend a myriad of holiday partiesand sing in the choir's cantatabut do not focus on Christ,I have missed the point.
Love stops the cooking to hug the child.Love sets aside the decorating to kiss the spouse.
Love is kind, though harried and tired.
Love doesn't envy another's homethat has coordinated Christmas china and table linens.
Love doesn't yell at the kids to get out of the way,but is thankful they are there to be in the way.
Love doesn't give only to those who are able to give in return;but rejoices in giving to those who can't.
Love bears all things,believes all things,hopes all thingsendures all things.Love never fails.
Video games will break,pearl necklaces will be lost,golf clubs will rust;
But giving the gift of love will endure.
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Snowflakes
I live in the most temperate part of Canada. We hardly get any snow in a normal winter. However, from time to time we do get an amount that is exceptional for our area. This loss of "temperateness" often tempts us to temporarily lose our temper until the temperature returns closer to that of tempora chicken. Consequently, in our neck of the woods we don't enjoy watching the snow melt - we enjoy watching it die.
It's a pity, really, because snow flakes have such potential to be cheery things. For intance, find the Cybersalt Snowflake below (use the search tool and search "cybersalt" in the message field) and you'll get a nice message from me. And, of course, you can always make your own snowflake and spread your own happy message around.
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A Soldier's Night Before Christmas(Original Title is "Merry Christmas, My Friend")'Twas the night before Christmas, he lived all alone,In a one-bedroom house made of plaster and stone.I had come down the chimney, with presents to giveand to see just who in this home did live.As I looked all about, a strange sight I did see,no tinsel, no presents, not even a tree.No stocking by the fire, just boots filled with sand.On the wall hung pictures of a far distant land.With medals and badges, awards of all kind,a sobering thought soon came to my mind.For this house was different, unlike any I'd seen.This was the home of a U.S. Marine.I'd heard stories about them, I had to see more,so I walked down the hall and pushed open the door.And there he lay sleeping, silent, alone,Curled up on the floor in his one-bedroom home.He seemed so gentle, his face so serene,Not how I pictured a U.S. Marine.Was this the hero, of whom I'd just read?Curled up in his poncho, a floor for his bed?His head was clean-shaven, his weathered face tan.I soon understood, this was more than a man.For I realized the families that I saw that night,owed their lives to these men, who were willing to fight.Soon around the Nation, the children would play,And grown-ups would celebrate on a bright Christmas day.They all enjoyed freedom, each month and all year,because of Marines like this one lying here.I couldn't help wonder how many lay alone,on a cold Christmas Eve, in a land far from home.Just the very thought brought a tear to my eye.I dropped to my knees and I started to cry.He must have awoken, for I heard a rough voice,"Santa, don't cry, this life is my choiceI fight for freedom, I don't ask for more.My life is my God, my country, my Corps."With that he rolled over, drifted off into sleep,I couldn't control it, I continued to weep.I watched him for hours, so silent and still.I noticed he shivered from the cold night's chill.So I took off my jacket, the one made of red,and covered this Marine from his toes to his head.Then I put on his T-shirt of scarlet and gold,with an eagle, globe and anchor emblazoned so bold.And although it barely fit me, I began to swell with pride,and for one shining moment, I was Marine Corps deep inside.I didn't want to leave him so quiet in the night,this guardian of honor so willing to fight.But half asleep he rolled over, and in a voice clean and pure,said "Carry on, Santa, it's Christmas Day, all secure."One look at my watch and I knew he was right,Merry Christmas my friend, Semper Fi and goodnight.><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Four Stages of Life
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.