High School Metaphors
Some metaphors written by students in high school English class....
Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other
sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
bowling ball wouldn't.
McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper bag
filled with vegetable soup.
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you
fry them in hot grease.
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across
the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one
having left New York at 6:36 PM traveling west at 55 mph, the other
from Chicago at 4:19 PM traveling east at a speed of 35 mph.
Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only
one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.
The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan
just might work.
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but
a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land
mine or something.
She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes
just before it throws up.
The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg
behind her, like a dog at a lamppost.
She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was
room-temperature beef.
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
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Two Storks
Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby stork. The baby stork is crying and crying and father stork is trying to calm him. "Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy."
The next night, it's father's turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting in the nest, the baby stork is crying, and mother is saying "Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies."
A few days later, the stork's parents are desperate: their son is absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask him where he's been all night. The baby stork says, "Nowhere. Just scaring the heck out of college students!"
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Didn't Do It
One day a man comes home from work to find total mayhem at home. The kids were outside still in their pajamas playing in the mud and muck. There were empty food boxes and wrappers all around.
As he proceeded into the house, he found an even bigger mess. Dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the table, and a small pile of sand by the back door. The family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing, and a lamp had been knocked over. He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife.
He was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that something had happened to her. He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pajamas on, reading a book. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.
He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered, "You know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what I did today?"
"Yes," was his reply.
She said, "Well, today I didn't do it!"
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Keeping Fit
Grandpa Melvin Cranston was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.
"I will tell you the secret of my success," he happily cackled. "My wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk."
And, Grandpa Melvin continued, "Gentlemen, I have been walking in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."
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Alimony
Mr. Quinn, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said. "And, I have decided to give your wife $775 a week."
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then, I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
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Peanuts and Cigarettes
A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. The bartender gives him his drink, accompanied by a bowl of peanuts. To his surprise, a voice comes from the peanut bowl. "You look great tonight!" it said. "You really look fantastic... And that after shave is just wonderful!"
The man is obviously a little confused, but tries to ignore it. Realizing he has no cigarettes, he wanders over to the cigarette machine. After inserting his money, another voice emits from the machine. "You jerk. Oh my gosh you stink. Do you know, you're almost as ugly as your mother."
By now, the man is extremely perplexed. He turns to the bartender for an explanation. "Ah yes sir," the bartender responds, "The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order."
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Jet Fuel
Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in
Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?" So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed. The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.
In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"
Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"
Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?" Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."
"Yeah, well there's just one thing..."
"What's that?"
"Have you...err... broken wind yet?"
"No."
"Well, don't, 'cause I'm in
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Fast Dads
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are.
The first one says: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow".
The second one says: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet".
The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says: "You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45!!"
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Smart In-Law
One day, while having a heated argument with each other, the angry wife said to her husband, "I should have taken my mother's advice and never should have married you! How she tried to stop me!"
The husband replied, "Well, I'll be! How I have misjudged that woman!"
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"Rabbi Returns"
I returned to my parents' home to attend a funeral. At the temple, my mother led me to a man who looked vaguely familiar. "Barbara, remember Rabbi Green?" she asked as she left me in his company.
I frantically tried to place him, and suddenly it came to me. He was the kind man who, five years earlier, had officiated at my grandmother's funeral. "It's good to see you again, Rabbi," I said. "Though I wish it weren't always under such tragic circumstances."
The rabbi looked perplexed but uttered some words of consolation before he was called away. A few minutes later, I rejoined my mother.
"Imagine,"she whispered, "after all this time, to run into the rabbi who performed your wedding!"
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Dark Parachute Jumps
Nights in
difficult and dangerous. So we attach small lights called
chemlites to our jumpsuits to make ourselves visible to the
rest of our team. Late one night, lost after a practice
jump, we knocked on the door of a small cottage. When a
woman answered, she was greeted by the sight of five men
festooned in glowing chemlites.
"Excuse me," I said. "Can you tell me where we are?"
In a thick English accent, the woman replied, "Earth!"
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Recent Quips From Late Night
"On Wednesday, John Edwards officially endorsed himself for vice president. ... It's believed that Edwards' endorsement of Senator Obama will help Obama nail down the critical handsome millionaire vote." --Amy Poehler
"The California Supreme Court has overturned the ban on gay marriage, paving the way for California's first legal gay marriages not involving Liza Minnelli. So that's pretty good. This is groundbreaking. You know what this means? Finally, taking loved ones for granted won't be just for straight people anymore." --Jay Leno
"Earlier today, Barack Obama gave a speech in
"To give you an idea of how low President Bush's approval rating is, during the flight of Air Force One to the Middle East, they made him sit in the bathroom the entire way. And while he was in
"A monumental victory for the gay rights movement. The California Supreme Court on Thursday overturned a ban on gay marriage. This is great news for the state's mesh tuxedo industry." --Amy Poehler
"Speaking of presidents, Bill Clinton in the news. Bill Clinton is in a little trouble. He gave a speech at a high school in