Traffic Light
A woman driving in Brooklyn stopped her car for a red light. However, when the light turned green again, she just stayed right where she was. When the light had changed several times and she still hadn't moved, the traffic policeman finally went over to her and inquired politely, "What's the matter, lady, ain't we got no colors you like?"
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The Bible According to Kids
The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., bad spelling has been left in.) - In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off. - Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. - Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark because Noah built the ark, which the animals came to in pears. - Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night. - The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals. - Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. - Samson slew the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles. - Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients. - The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. - Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to find the ten commendments. - The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. - The seventh commandment is "Thou shalt not admit adultery". - Moses died before he ever reached Canada. - Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. - The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him. - David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
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Dog's life
My wife agrees that I do indeed lead a "dog's life". The way she puts it though is: "He comes in with muddy feet, makes himself comfortable by the fire, and expects to be fed."
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Egg Humor
Question: If a rooster laid an egg on the top of a barn, which way would it roll? Answer: Neither, roosters don't lay eggs. Question: Why did the chicken cross the road?Answer: Because the rooster egged her on. Question: Did you hear the one about the egg?Answer: It's not all it's "cracked" up to be! Question: Why can't you tease egg whites?Answer: They can't take a yolk. Knock, Knock!Who's there?Omelette.Omelette who?Omelette smarter than I look! Question: What do you call an egg that goes on safari?Answer: An eggs-plorer! Question: What do you call a city of 20 million eggs?Answer: New Yolk City! Question: What happens when you tell an egg a joke?Answer: It cracks up! Question: What do you get when you put a Tasmanian Devil in a chicken coop?Answer: Deviled eggs!
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Charlie, a regular at the local pub, walks in one day with four sticks of
dynamite strapped to his chest. The bartender looks at him and
yells"Charlie, why the heck do you have that dynamite strapped to your
chest?
Charlie answers, "You know that new guy who's been coming in all the time
lately? The one with the big mouth who's always arguing, and calling me
stupid, and poking me in the chest every time he makes a point? Well, he's
really got me mad! When he comes in here today, I'll show him. If he calls
me stupid and pokes me in the chest one more time, I'm going to blow his
hand off.
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My accountant father and my artist mother have very different views on
balancing a checkbook. Mom usually kept the checkbook, but when Dad retired,
he took over all the financial duties.
He was really taken aback when he looked over the checkbook and found only
dollar amounts recorded. It seems Mom hadn't
wanted to deal with any more math than she had to, so she'd eliminated the
cents from every check. She'd round up if the
partial dollar amounts were 50 cents or more and drop those under 50 cents.
Dad feverishly went through stacks of canceled
checks and registers, trying to correct her method.
The difference in seven years of dollars only? Sixteen cents.
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There's always at least one bolt on anything that's adjustable. It fits
whatever size wrench you don't have.
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Kid Surgery
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?" The second kid Says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four.
They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
The second kid replies, "Whoa, good luck buddy, I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year.
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Computer Power
The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped, exhausted. His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. "My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?" "It was terrible," her husband said, "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."
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What was the problem
Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the Flight Attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."
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More of The Bible According to Kids
The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., bad spelling has been left in.) - Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. - When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta. - Then the three Wise Guys from the east arrived and found Jesus in the manager. - Jesus was born because Mary had an Immaculate Contraption. - St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head. - Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says do one to others before they do one to you. - He also explained that "Man does not live by sweat alone". - It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance. - The people who followed Jesus were called the 12 decibles. - The epistles were the wives of the apostles. - One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan. - St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached the holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage. - A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
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Lotto Winner
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!' The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'