Road Repair
The road by my house was in bad condition. Every day, I dodged potholes on the way to work, so I was relieved to see a construction crew working on the road one morning. Later, on my way home, I noticed the men were gone and no improvement in the road. Where the crew had been working stood a new, bright-yellow sign with the words, "Rough Road."
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It's a Girl
Stationed in Okinawa, Japan, my son and his wife were expecting their first baby. I was elated when he called me at work with the news of my grandchild's birth. I took down all the statistics and turned to relate it all to my co-workers. "I'm a grandmother!" I declared. "It's a baby girl, and she weighs five pounds." "When was she born?" someone asked. Recalling the date my son told me, I stopped, looked at the calendar, and said in amazement, "Tomorrow!"
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Silly Bird Riddles
What birds spend all their time on their knees?
Birds of prey.
What do you call a very rude bird?
A mockingbird.
Where do birds meet for coffee?
In a nest-cafe.
What do you call a bunch of chickens playing hide-and-seek?
Fowl play.
What language do birds speak?
Pigeon English.
What do you give a sick bird?
Tweetment.
What do you get if you cross a parrot with a shark?
A bird that will talk you ear off.
What happened when the owl lost his voice?
He didn't give a hoot.
What do you get if you cross a parrot with a centipede?
A great walkie-talkie.
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Biggest LiarTwo boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room. The teacher asked, "Why are you arguing?"One boy answered, "We found a ten-dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.""You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher. "When I was your age, I didn't even know what a lie was."The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
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Friends vs Southern Friends
FRIENDS: Never ask for food.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Always bring the food. And lots of it.
FRIENDS: Will say "hello."
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Will give you a big hug and a kiss. More
than one.
FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Call your parents Mom and Dad, and really
mean it, too.
FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Cry with you. And for you.
FRIENDS: Will eat at your dinner table and leave.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Will spend hours there, talking, laughing,
and just being together. Then do the dishes before leaving.
FRIENDS: Know a few things about you.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from
you. And most of the time know you better than you do
yourself.
FRIENDS: Would knock on your door.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, "I'm home!" If you
are not home they will wait.
FRIENDS: Are for a while.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Are for life. And then some.
If one is deprived of Southern Friends, this will serve as
an excellent educational tool for why they need to look into
the possibility.
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Mother's Wedding Dress
A couple was getting married, and it was only three days before the wedding. The bride calls her mother with some bad news. "Mom," she says, "I just found out that my fiance's mother has bought the exact same dress as you to wear to the wedding." The bride's mother thinks for a minute. "Don't worry," she tells her daughter. "I'll just go and buy another dress to wear to the ceremony." "But mother," says the bride, "that dress cost a fortune. What will you do with it? It's such a waste not to use it." "Who said I won't use it?" her mother asked. "I'll just wear it to the rehearsal dinner."
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Who broke down the walls of Jericho?
The visiting Bible school supervisor asks little Johnny during Bible class, "Who broke down the walls of Jericho?" Little Johnny replies, "I dunno, but it wasn't me!" The supervisor, taken aback by Johnny's lack of basic Bible knowledge goes to the school principal and relates the whole incident. The principal replies, "I know Little Johnny as well as his whole family very well and can vouch for them; if Little Johnny said that he did not do it, then I, as principal is satisfied that it is the truth." Even more appalled, the inspector goes to the regional Head of Education and relates the whole story... After listening he replies: "I can't see why you are making such a big issue out of this; just get three quotes and fix the wall!"
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Country song titles
Readers of New York magazine were asked to invent country-song titles. Here are some entries: - Ain't No Trash In My Trailer Since The Night I Threw You Out - You Wanted To Get Hitched, But My Heart Is Filled With Whoa - Baked My Sweetie A Pie, But He Left With A Tart - I Lost My Honey Bunny On A Bad Hare Day - She Chews Tobacco, But She Didn't Choose Me - The Peach I Picked In Georgia Didn't Cling To Me For Long - Don't Want That Floozy In My Jacuzzi - I Found The Recipe For Heartbreak In A Cookbook On Your Shelf - Now That We're Miserable, I Hope You're Happy
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Mother Teresa and God
Mother Teresa died and went to heaven. God greeted her at the Pearly Gates. "Be thou hungry, Mother Teresa?" asked God. "I could eat," Mother Teresa replied. So God opened a can of tuna and reached for a chunk of rye bread and they began to share it. While eating this humble meal, Mother Teresa looked down into Hell and saw the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants, and pastries. Curious, but deeply trusting, she remained quiet. The next day God again invited her to join him for a meal. Again, it was tuna and rye bread. Once again, Mother Teresa could see the denizens of Hell enjoying lamb, turkey, venison, and delicious desserts. Still she said nothing. The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened. She couldn't contain herself any longer. Meekly, she asked, "God, I am grateful to be in heaven with you as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and kings! I just don't understand it..." God sighed. "Let's be honest Teresa," He said, ". . . for just two people, it doesn't pay to cook."
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The telephone solicitor selling basement waterproofing must have thought
she'd died and gone to heaven when she reached my very polite and patient
son on the phone. At the end of her long sales pitch, she asked, "Do you
mind if we send out someone to give you an estimate?"
"Not at all," my son said.
"When would be a good time?" she asked.
My son answered, "Just as soon as I dig a basement."
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A Bedouin wandering in the Sahara happened upon an American dressed in a
bathing suit, flip-flops, a big, over-sized T-shirt and sunglasses. The
Bedouin gazed at him in amazement, "What are you doing all the way out here
dressed like that!?"
"I'm going swimming," the tourist explained.
"But the ocean is five hundred miles away," the Arab informed him.
"five hundred miles!" the American exclaimed with a whistle of appreciation.
"Boy, what a beach!"
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"The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one
persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress
depends on the unreasonable man." - George Bernard Shaw
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"A group of investors announced they plan on opening a hotel
in space. A weekend stay will cost $4 million. It will cost
you another million to eat a Snickers from the mini bar."
-Conan O'Brien