"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's
ability to use language that makes him the dominant species
on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other
thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of
vacuum cleaners." —-Jeff Stilson
***
"What really concerns me about these new "smart" appliances
is that even if we like the features, we won't be able to
use them. I don't know how to operate my TV, which requires
THREE remote controls. One control (44 buttons) came with
the TV; a second (39 buttons) came with the VCR; the third
(37 buttons) was brought here by the cable-TV man, who ap-
parently felt that I did not have enough buttons. So when
I want to watch TV, I'm confronted with a total of 120
buttons, identified by such helpful labels as PIP, MTS,
DBS, F2, JUMP and BLANK." -Dave Barry
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Everybody's a comedian. I called my local home improvement
store for a simple piece of advice. "I know the Sheetrock
is nailed to the studs," I said to the guy who answered the
phone, "but how do I find the studs?"
"Put an ad in the personals column." he suggested.
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A blonde is on board a small two- seater plane when suddenly
the pilot dies. Not knowing how to fly a plane she grabs the
radio. "Mayday, Mayday! My pilot just died!" she screams.
Ground control receives her call for help and answers back:
"Don't worry, madam. I'll talk you down, just do as I say.
First, I need you to give me your height and position."
"I'm
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So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly and Minnesota jokes, somebody had to come up with this, you know you're from California if:
1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.
2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.
3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.
4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.
5. You can't remember, is pot illegal?
6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
8. You can't remember, is pot illegal?
9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the
11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball l cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.
12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
13. You can't remember, is pot illegal?
14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: 'STORM WATCH.'
15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.
16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal? ???
18. Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers and cosmetic surgeons.
19. The Terminator is your governor.
20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here illegally, they want to give you one.
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Former Co-worker?
At the outpatient surgery center where I work, the anesthesiologist
often chatted with patients before their operations to help them relax.
One day he thought he recognized a woman as a co-worker at the VA
hospital where he had trained.
When the patient confirmed that his hunch was correct, he said, "So,
tell me, is the food still as bad as it used to be?"
"Well, I suppose," she replied, "I'm still cooking there."
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Double Decker Bus
There's a double decker bus driving down the street full of passengers. On the lower level of the bus, everyone's having a good time, talking, laughing, and singing along to the music playing.
On the upper part of the bus, Maynard is in a panic. He's screaming, terrified, and holding onto others as the bus moves along the street.
Finally, someone gets up and walks to the top of the bus to ask what's wrong. Maynard replies, "What's wrong? Well, you'd be screaming too if you didn't have a driver!"
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Sixes and Sevens
Why is six afraid of seven?
Because, already, seven ate nine (7, 8, 9)!
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Churchill's Nap
A lady who was known as Churchill's main rival in parliament was giving a speech. Churchill, with his usual enthusiasm for his rival, dozed off while the lady was speaking.
She stopped her speech and awoke Sir Winston by yelling, "Mr. Churchill, must you sleep while I talk?"
Churchill sleepily replied, "No, ma'am. I do so purely by choice."
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Yuma
There once was a man from Yuma,
Who told an elephant joke to a puma,
Now his body lies,
Under the hot desert skies,
For the puma had no sense of huma.
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I love this Doctor.
Q. I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! . Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're perm eated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride!!!'
AND.....
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5 The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.