THE OLD GOLFER
Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast.
"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I've hit the ball I couldn't see where it went."
His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try."
"That's no good" sighs Arthur, "your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help."
"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."
So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did!" replied the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight".
"Where did it go?" says Arthur.
"I don't remember."
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"A new government study has found that the average American
car weighs five-hundred pounds more than it did ten years
ago. However, this is only true if an average American is
sitting in the car." --Conan O'Brien
***
"Although a lot of people are on these low-carb diets,
doctors say be careful, because you need carbohydrates
because carbohydrates create a chemical in your brain that
cheers you up and fights depression. So the next time you
see a guy on a ledge, about to jump... throw him a dough-
nut." --Jay Leno
***
"This is a bleak time for the Republican Party. You know
you have trouble when the least embarrassing guy in your
group is Arnold Schwarzenegger." --Jimmy Kimmel
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I was waiting tables at a country club when an elegantly
dressed woman spilled Manhattan clam chowder all over her
white linen skirt. She began furiously dabbing at it with
a napkin.
Having plenty of experience with getting out feed stains,
I asked, "Can I bring you some club soda?"
"Young lady," she barked, "I'll be the judge of when I've
had enough to drink. Bring me another martini!"
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One day a mother was out and the dad was in charge. The
little one was maybe one and a half years old. Someone had
given her a little tea set as a gift and it was one ofher
favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news
when she brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was
just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy
tea, Mom came home. Dad made her wait in the living room
to watch the toddler bring him a cup of tea, because it was
'just the cutest thing!'
Mom waited, and sure enough, here comes baby down the hall
with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it
up, then says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place
that baby can reach to get water is the toilet?'
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Valentine's Day Oneliners
What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day?
Hogs and kisses!
What would you get if you crossed Odie with the god of love?
A stupid cupid!
Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy?
It was Valenswine's Day!
Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day?
Sure, they're very scent-imental!
What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream?
"I'm sweet on you!"
What did the paper clip say to the magnet?
"I find you very attractive."
What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine's Day?
A hug and a quiche!
What would you call a woman who goes out with Jon?
Desperate!
What did one pickle say to the other?
"You mean a great dill to me."
Knock, Knock!
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you!
What did the elephant say to his girlfriend?
"I love you a ton!"
What did the bat say to his girlfriend?
"You're fun to hang around with."
Did you hear about the nearsighted porcupine?
He fell in love with a pincushion!
What did the pencil say to the paper?
"I dot my i's on you!"
Liz: "I can't be your valentine for medical reasons."
Jon: "Really?"
Liz: "Yeah, you make me sick!"
Why did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend?
She didn't suit his taste!
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Did They Really Mean That?
The following are actual newspaper headlines:
- March Planned For Next August
- L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal by Landslide
- Patient at Death's Door - Doctors Pull Him Through
- Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped
- Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
- Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
- Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
- Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
- Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
- President Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
- Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
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God and the Scientist
God was sitting in heaven one day when a scientist said to Him,
"God, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing - in other words, we can now do what you did in the beginning."
"Oh, is that so? Tell Me..." replies God.
"Well," says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of you and breathe life into it, thus creating man."
"Well, that's very interesting...show Me."
So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil into the shape of a man.
"No, no, no..." interrupts God, "Get your own dirt."
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Accident
There was an engineer, manager and programmer driving down a steep mountain road.
The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control.
Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowing avoiding going over a cliff.
They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed.
The manager said "To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through a process of continuous improvement, develop a solution."
The engineer said "No that would take too long, and besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it."
The programmer said "I think you're both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again."
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What Kind of Tracks
Two boys go out on a walk. One looks down and said, "look at those, those are deer tracks my dad told me about them."
The second boy says no those are elk tracks, my dad told me about them. Then the first boy says, "No those are deer tracks."
The second boy says, "NO those are elk tracks."
One hour later they were run over by a train.