Thursday, February 22, 2007

hUMOR For Feb. 22nd

ctorsTwo actors who haven't seen each other in several weeks run in to each other on the street.1st Actor: Haven't seen you in a while, how's everything going?2nd Actor: Pretty good. Two weeks ago I got a call from a lawyer in Florida. It seems I had an aunt that I never knew about that died and left me $2,000,000.#1: That's great!#2: Yeah. And then last week I hit the lottery and won $7,000,000.#1: That's wonderful!#2: Yeah, but this week, nothing!

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The parents in our cycling group were discussing the subject
of teenagers and their appetites. Most agreed that teenagers
would eat anything, anywhere and at any time. Some were
concerned that such appetites always made it hard to judge
when you should feed them because they were always grazing.

A veteran parent of six children told us of his method for
judging the true hunger of teenagers.

"I would hold up a piece of cold, cooked broccoli, and if
they were jumping and snapping at it, I figured they were
hungry enough to be fed."

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Samaritan ZipperMaking close friends at the bus stop...
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting for bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, “How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!”The Texan smiled and drawled, “Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind'a figured we was friends.”

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Quotable QuotesWhat can take several thousand people for a ride at the same time?
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history – with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila. Mitch RatcliffeA modern computer is an electronic wonder that performs complex mathematical calculations and intricate accounting tabulations in one ten-thousandth of a second – and then mails out statements ten days later. Paul SweeneyA peacock that rests on his feathers is just another turkey. Dolly PartonA perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children. Dave BarryA racehorse is an animal that can take several thousand people for a ride at the same time. Marjorie JohnsonAccording to Modern Bride magazine, the average bride spends 150 hours planning her wedding. The average groom spends 150 hours going, “Yeah, sounds good.” Jay LenoAge is nothing at all… unless you are a cheese. Billie BurkeAll mothers have intuition. The great ones have radar. Cathy GuisewiteAn eye for an eye only leads to more blindness. Margaret AtwoodAs far as I’m concerned, “whom” is a word that was invented to make everyone sound like a butler. Calvin TrillinBe careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. Mark TwainBefore you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. Ann BrasharesBehind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Jim CarreyBeing in therapy is great. I spend an hour just talking about myself. It’s kinda like being the guy on a date. Caroline RheaCanada is like an old cow. The West feeds it. Ontario and Quebec milk it. And you can well imagine what it’s doing in the Maritimes. Tommy DouglasDid you hear about the Bishop who hired a secretary who had worked for the Pentagon? She immediately changed his filing system to “Sacred” ad “Top Sacred.” Ira N. BriggsDos it ever amaze and delight you that of all the places in the world – cold grassy nests under hedgerows, warm patches of sun on a carpet – the cat chooses to sit on your lap? Nevada BarrEverything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joe-k. Will Rogers“Exercise” is such a dirty word in my household that whenever I even think o it, I wash my mouth out with chocolate. Leonore FleischerFor two people in a marriage to live together day after day is unquestionably the only miracle the Vatican has overlooked. Bill CosbyGraduation speeches were invented largely in the belief that college students should never be released into the world until they have been properly sedated. Garry TrudeauHappiness is good health and a bad memory. Ingrid BergmanHaving a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your head. Martin MullHow come if you mix flour and water together you get glue? And when you add eggs and sugar your get cake? Where does the glue go? Rita RudnerHumour is based on a modicum of truth. Ever heard a joe-k about a father-in-law? Dick ClarkHumour is a rubber sword – it allows you to make a point without drawing blood. Mary HirschI believe in an open mind, but not so open that your brains fall out. Arthur Hays SulzbergerI don’t work out. If God wanted us to bend over, he’d put diamonds on the floor. Joan RiversI feel strongly that the visual arts are of vast importance. Of course I could be prejudiced. I am a visual art. Kermit The FrogI looked up the word ‘politics’ in the dictionary. It’s actually a combination of two words: ‘poli’, which means many, and ‘tics’, which means bloodsuckers. Jay LenoI think I have a disease called spontaneous disclosure. I need to tell everyone my life story instantaneously. Kelly RipaI wanted a man who wouldn’t stray so I’m dating a guy on house arrest. Kim BoveI wear glasses, so I can look for things I keep losing. Bill CosbyIf Adam and Eve were alive today, they would probably sue the snake. Bern WilliamsIf an idea’s worth having once, it’s worth having twice. Tom StoppardIf dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one. Andrew A. RooneyIf men can run the world, why can’t they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck? Linda EllerbeeIf pregnancy were a book, they would cut the last two chapters. Nora EphronIf some countries have too much history, we have too much geography. William Lyon Mackenzie KingIf truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library? Lily TomlinIf we are a country committed to free speech, then why do we have phone bills? Steven WrightIf you can see a bandwagon, it’s too late to get on it. James GoldsmithIf you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun. Katharine HepburnIf you’re going to write a book on how to raise children, do it before you have them. Bob McLarenI’m always relieved when someone delivers a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it. George CarlinI’m at the age where my back goes out more than I do. Phyllis DillerI’m convinced that every boy, in his heart, would rather steal second base than an automobile. Tom ClarkI’m paranoid about everything. On my stationary bike I have a rearview mirror. Richard LewisIn any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations – it’s cold, half-French, and difficult to stir. Stuart KeateIn California virtually everyone has had their teeth whitened. If they all smiled at once, they would give us a headache. Garrison KeillorInstead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house. Rod StewartIt’s all right letting yourself go, as long as you can let yourself back. Mick JaggerIt’s easy to get a reputation for wisdom. It’s only necessary to live long, speak little and do less. P.D. JamesIt’s time to diet and exercise when you accept the fact that you can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time – but not while you’re wearing a bathing suit. Gene PerretI’ve come to learn that the best time to debate family members is when they have good in their mouths. Kenneth ColeJust be good and kind to your children. Not only are they the future of the world, they’re the ones who can sign you into the nursing home. Dennis MillerJust think how far we’ve come in the 20th Century. The man who used to be a cog in the wheel is now a digit in the computer. Robert FuossLawyers are like beavers: They get in the middle of the stream and dam it up. Donald RumsfeldLearn to enjoy your own company. You are the one person you can count on living with for the rest of your life. Ann RichardsLet the wind blow through your hair while you still have some. Dave WeinbaumLike all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath and hope we’ve set aside enough money for our kids’ therapy. Michelle PfeifferLove is the answer, but while you’re waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions. Woody AllenMany an optimist has become rich by buying out a pessimist. Robert G. AllenMobile phones are the only subject on which men boast about who’s got the smallest. Neil KinnockMoney doesn’t talk, it swears. Bob DylanMost people hate cell phone use on trains – I love cell phone use on trains. What do you want to do – read that report on your lap, or hear about your neighbour’s worst date ever? Liza MundyMy husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they’re really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him. Rita RudnerMy metabolism stinks. I can gain weight just listening to dinner music. Ron DentingerMy mother always used to say, “The older you get, the better you get. Unless you’re a banana.” Betty WhiteMy perspective on my mother has changed immensely. She was a lot taller when I was younger. Howie MandelNo matter how old a mother is, she watches her middle-aged children for signs of improvement. Florida Scott-MaxwellNo matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously. Dave BarryNot all chemicals are bad. Without hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. Dave BarryNowadays they say you need a special chip to put in the TV so kids can’t watch this and that. In my day, we didn’t need a chip. My mom was the chip. End of story. Ray CharlesOnce when I was lost I asked a policeman to help me find my parents. I said to him, “Do you think we’ll ever find them?” He answered, “I don’t know, kid. There are so many places they can hide.” Rodney DangerfieldOne good thing about living in America is that there is no neurosis too insignificant to merit its own paperback. Deborah SolomonOne of the best parts of growing older? You can flirt all you like since you’ve become harmless. Liz SmithPeople say New Yorkers can’t get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine. David LettermanPolite conversation is rarely either. Fran LebowitzRaising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare. Ed AsnerResponsible – who wants to be responsible? Whenever something bad happens, it’s always, “Who’s responsible for this?” Jerry SeinfeldRetirement is like a long vacation in Vegas. The goal is to enjoy it to the fullest, but not so fully that you run out of money. Jonathan ClementsSetting a good example for your children does nothing but increase their embarrassment. Doug LarsonSmoking means always having to say you’re sorry. Tom FergusonTelevision remote controls encourage couch potatoes to exercise their options while broadening their base. William Arthur WardThe bulletin board on the lawn of a New Jersey Church reads “We reserve the right to accept everybody.” John KazmarkThe cat could very well be man’s best friend but would never stoop to admitting it. Doug LarsonThe grass may be greener on the other side, but it’s just as hard to cut. Little RichardThe key to success? Work hard, stay focused and marry a Kennedy. Arnold SchwarzeneggerThe key to successful aging is to pay as little attention to it as possible. Judith ReganThe last birthday that’s any good is 23. Andy RooneyThe one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers. Dave BarryThe only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d druther not. Mark TwainThe problem with people who have no vices is that they’re pretty sure to have some annoying virtues. Elizabeth TaylorThe problem with the gene pool is there’s no lifeguard. Steven WrightThe remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. Calvin TrillinThe secret to a happy marriage? Do what your wife tells you. Denzel WashingtonThe squeaky wheel may get the most oil, but it’s also the first to be replaced. Marilyn Vos SavantThe true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good. Ann LandersThe turkey is living proof that an animal can survive with no intelligence at all. Harvey D. ComstockThere’s an upside to grandparenthood. You play, you give, you love, then you hand them back and go to an early movie. Billy CrystalThere’s no rejection in life quite like a cancelled shrink appointment. Bill SchenkThere’s no such thing as fun for the whole family. Jerry SeinfeldThey say you only go around once, but with a muscle car you can go around two or three times. Tim AllenThree words strike fear into the hearts of men: Pop the question. Roxanne HawnTrust in God – but tie your camel tight. Persian Proverb“Vegetarian” I san old Indian word for “doesn’t hunt well.” Paul HarveyWe are in the extreme centre, the radical middle. That is our position. Pierre TrudeauWhat I’ve learned is that life is too short and movies are too long. Denis LearyWhen I hear about people making vast fortunes without doing any productive work or contributing anything to society, my reaction is, “How do I get in on that?” Dave BarryWhen it comes to raising children, I believe in give and take. I give orders and they take ‘em. Bernie MacWhen my generation was your age, we took crazy risks. The wildest thing was – prepare to be shocked – we deliberately ingested carbohydrates! Dave BarryWhen people ask if I do my own stunts, I always answer, “Not on purpose.” Billy Bob ThorntonWhen you don’t know what you’re talking about, it’s hard to know when you’re finished. Tommy SmothersWhen you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half minutes of your life. Richard LewisWhy leave the nut you got for one you don’t know? Loretta LynnWithout enough sleep, we all become tall two-year-olds. JoJo JensonWrinkles only go where the smiles have been. Jimmy BuffetYou can buy anything on eBay. I bought the world’s oldest globe. It’s flat. Buzz NutleyYou can get old pretty young if you don’t take care of yourself. Yogi BerraYou can’t have everything. Where would you put it? Steven WrightYou can’t write poetry on the computer. Quentin TarantinoYou know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the three R’s, only one begins with an R. Dennis MillerYou know why fish are so thin? They eat fish. Jerry SeinfeldYou know your kids are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going. P. J. O’RourkeYou’re never allowed to step on people to get ahead, but you can step over them if they’re in your way. Star JonesYou’re not famous until my mother has heard of you. Jay LenoYour majesty, I thank you from the bottom of my heart, and Madame Houde thanks you from her bottom too. Camillein HoudeYou’ve got to be original, because if you’re like someone else, what do they need you for? Bernadette Peters