One day my young daughter and I were listening to an old tune
by Simon and Garfunkel. When the song finished, she asked me,
"Well, did he?"
"Did he what?"
"Did Parsley save Rosemary in time?" she asked.
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A Dog Named Mace
There was once a handyman who had a dog named Mace. Mace was
a great dog except he had one weird habit: he liked to eat
grass -- not just a little bit, but in quantities that would
make a lawnmower blush. And nothing, it seemed, could cure
him of it. One day, the handyman lost his wrench in the tall
grass while he was working outside. He looked and looked,
but it was nowhere to be found.
As it was getting dark, he gave up for the night and decided
to look the next morning. When he awoke, he went outside and
saw that his dog had eaten all the grass in the area, around
where he had been working, and his wrench now lay in plain
sight, glinting in the sun.
Going out to get his wrench, he called the dog over to him
and said, "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a
wrench for me."
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Little Boy and Rain
It was raining outside. Not just raining, but pouring. Buckets of water were falling from the sky, and little Vernie turned to his mother. “Mommy?” he said. “Yes, darling?” his mother replied. “It’s raining very hard, isn’t it?” little Vernie asked. “Yes, it is,” the mother answered. “Does that mean that Jesus is taking a shower?”
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Priest and Nun at a Hotel
A priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable to get it fixed, so they decide to spend the night in a hotel. The only hotel in the town has only one room available. Priest: "Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the lounge and you have the bed." Nun: "I think that would be okay." They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later... Nun: "Father, I'm terribly cold." Priest: "Okay, I'll get you a blanket." (He does) Ten minutes later... Nun: "Father, I'm still terribly cold." Priest: "Okay Sister, I'll get you another blanket." (He does) Ten minutes later... Nun: "Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night." Priest: "You're probably right...get up and get your own blanket."
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Maturity
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work.
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Too Much Time
How do you know when your child has been spending too much time on the computer? My six-year-old son, Jack, recently informed his mother that he wasn’t born -- he was downloaded!
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Weird News
Bass angler finally lands big gator
NEW YORK (UPI) -- Casting for alligator was unusual for bass fisherman Ron Settino but the New York man says he finally captured an elusive 3-foot specimen. The 63-year-old Franklin Square angler said Saturday that after a lengthy search for the small alligator that had been spotted in Hewlett, N.Y., he finally caught it with his trusty rod and reel, Newsday reported. "I've been hunting this guy for a while now," Settino said. "Considering the fact that he doesn't belong here, I really wanted to get him out." The retired telephone technician said he had been out with his fishing gear ever since the alligator, which is not indigenous to the region, was spotted in an area creek several weeks ago. The alligators were apparently biting Saturday as Settino snagged the gator -- using an artificial lure -- and hauled it in with the help of a nearby man.
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Metrocards become hot collector item
NEW YORK (UPI) -- Collectors say pieces of art are getting swiped, literally, every day in New York, as riders use Metrocards to board public transportation. The plastic cards have become something of a hot item for collectors because of the variety of images on their flip side, The New York Times reported. The cards' depictions of animals, world leaders, landmarks, entertainers, advertisements and other subjects and themes have attracted collectors since they were introduced in 1994. Collectors view them as miniature pieces of art, with value for selling, trading or just keeping. A MetroCard collectors group on Yahoo has 60 members. Eighteen pieces were listed Saturday eBay at prices ranging from $20 for an expired student card to $520 for an expired MetroCard stamped "NYPD." "We have customers out there who have been collecting these cards since Day 1," Margaret Coffey, New York City Transit's assistant vice president for marketing, told The Times. "We get a lot of calls from people who inquire about the availability of certain cards. All they are trying to do is make their collections as complete as possible; it's really no different than collecting baseball cards."
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Cow's head freed from washing machine
TRURO, England (UPI) -- Animal rights activists in Britain say they had to free a cow's head from a washing machine after the animal got a bit too curious. Royal Society of the Cruelty of Animals spokeswoman Jo Barr said the group's workers were called to Cornwall County after a young cow came across the machine in an area field and investigated it a little too closely, The Times of London reported. "It is one of the more unusual things we had had to rescue an animal from," Barr said. "Young cows are quite curious, and she probably thought there was some food inside the drum." RSPCA inspector David Hobbs, who rescued the trapped animal, told the Times the incident was a lesson about properly disposing of unwanted items. "If people disposed of their rubbish properly many animals would be saved from injury and death," he said. "A large proportion of the injuries are caused by carelessly discarded rubbish and fishing litter."
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Psychiatrist Confessions
While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk.
"People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears," one says, "but we have no one to go to with our own problems."
"Since we're all professionals," another suggests, "why don't we hear each other out right now?"
They agreed this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually overbill my patients as often as I can."
The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me."
The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."
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Finding TeaMy poor wife was sick in bed with the flu. Being a dutiful husband, I offered to fix her some of her favorite herbal tea. I couldn't find the tea though and went back upstairs to ask where it was.She said, "I don't know how it could be any easier to see. It's in the pantry, third shelf down, in a cocoa tin marked 'matches'."
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Proper Job Placement
Methods from Human Resources...
1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.
2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and come back after six hours.
4. Then analyze the situation.
a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the
Accounting Department.
b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.
c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks,
put them in Engineering.
d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order,
put them in Planning.
e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them
in Operations.
f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.
g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in
Information Technology.
h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.
i. If they say they have tried different combinations and
they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved,
put them in Sales.
j. If they have already left for the day, put them in
Management.
k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in
Strategic Planning.
l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick
has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top
Management.
m. Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks
in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from,
put them in Congress.
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