Faster than a Speeding NunA police officer pulls over a car load of nuns....Officer: "Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway -- why are you going so slow?"Sister: "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65."Officer: "Oh Sister, that's not the speed limit. That's the name of the highway you're on!"Sister: "Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful."At this point the officer looks in the back seat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling.Officer: "Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something terrible."Sister: "Oh, we just got off of highway 119."
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Top Ten Things Only Women Understand
10. Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes.
9. The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white.
8. Crying can be fun.
7. Fat clothes.
6. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a
balanced lunch.
5. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be
considered a peak life experience.
4. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
3. A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser
is next to impossible.
2. Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten
minutes.
1. Other women!
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Equal Marriage
Jill and John got married. John thought this would be a marriage with equal roles for equal partners. So, the first morning back from their honeymoon, he brought Jill breakfast in bed. Jill wasn't impressed with his culinary skills, however. She looked disdainfully at the tray, and snorted, "Poached? I wanted scrambled!" Undaunted, the next morning, John brought his true love a scrambled egg. Jill wasn't having any of it. "Do you think I don't like variety? I wanted poached this morning!" Determined to please Jill, the next morning he thought, "third time's a charm" and brought her two eggs -- one scrambled and one poached."Here, my love, enjoy!" Jill looks at the plate and says, "You scrambled the wrong egg."
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Baptism
A father is in church with three of his young children, including his five year old daughter. As was customary, he sat in the very front row so that the children could properly witness the service. During this particular service, the minister was performing the baptism of a tiny infant. The little five year old girl was taken by this, observing that he was saying something and pouring water over the infant's head. With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned to her father and asked: "Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby??"
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Useful Words Not Found in the Dictionary
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the reader who doesn't get it. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very high. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realise it was your money to start with.
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For The Kids...
Knock KnockWho's there?Miniature!Miniature who?Miniature open the door, I'll tell you! Knock KnockWho's there?Minneapolis!Minneapolis who?Minneapolis a day keeps the doctor away! Knock KnockWho's there?Minnie!Minnie who?Minnie more! Knock KnockWho's there?Minnie!Minnie who?No not Minnie-who - Minnehaha! Knock KnockWho's there?Minsk!Minsk who?Minsk meat!
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WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the Universe,
Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional to
the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the Distance Between
Them.
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TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!
LOST IN THE DARNDEST PLACES:
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into.
She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher:
"They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake." ________________________________________________________________________
FAMILY
Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together.
One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses.
She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters.
She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood."
She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door." ________________________________________________________________________
"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.
One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer." _______________________________________________________________________
LITTLE LADY:
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.
As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup." _______________________________________________________________________
OLD FRIENDS:
Now this one is just too Precious...LOL!
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years,
they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
"Now don't get mad at me .. I know we've been friends for a long time,
but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it.
Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?" _______________________________________________________________________
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77.
Please be careful!"
"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!" _______________________________________________________________________
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard.
As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.
The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it.
I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes,
they came to another intersection and the light was red again.
Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost
sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.
She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough,
the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said,
"Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row?
You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving ?"