My mother is always trying to understand what motivates people, especially
those in her family. One day she and my sister were talking about one
relative's bad luck.
"Why do you suppose she changed jobs?" she asked my sister. "Maybe she has a
subconscious desire not to succeed."
"Or maybe it just happened," said my sister, exasperated. "Do you know you
analyze everything to death?"
Mother was silent for a moment. "That's true," she said. "Why do you think I
do that?"
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"If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many
dollars would you have?"
Vinny raised his hand and answered, "One dollar."
The teacher shook her head. "You don't know your math."
Vinny replied, "You don't know my father."
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The first myth of management is that it exists.
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Q: Where do you find rain gear in the Bible?
A: On the book of Goloshes. (Colossians).
Q: How do you study the Bible?
A: You Luke into it.
Q: How do we know that Jesus raised cattle?
A: Because he had a pair 'o' bulls (Parables).
Q: How do we know that Jesus raised vegetables?
A: Because he said. "Peas be upon you." (Peace be upon you).
Q: How do we know that Jesus used fertilizer?
A: Because he said, "Lettuce spray." (Let us pray).
Q: How do we know that Jesus made coffee?
A: It says so in the book of He Brews. (Hebrews).
Q: Who were the three shortest men in the Bible?
A: Bildad the shoe-height, Knee-high Miah, and the man who fell asleep On His Watch.
Q: Where did the murderer hide his weapon in the Bible?
A: In the Book of Axe. (Acts).
Q: How do you know when Enoch is at the door?
A: 'E knocks.
Q: What's the first Supreme Court case in the Bible?
A: Joshua Judges Ruth. (Joshua, Judges, Ruth).
THE BROKEN TABLETS - ANOTHER VERSION
An angry God was standing at the foot of Mount Sinai. Moses had just descended. At the foot of the mountain lay the two tablets of the Ten Commandments, shattered in a thousand pieces. "What have you done?" demanded God. "Didn't I tell you to deliver the Ten Commandments to the children of Israel?"
"Yes, Lord," said Moses. "But a man dressed in a brown robe in a flying brown chariot with gold letters on the side appeared to me at the top of the mountain. He told me he would deliver the Ten Commandments to the children of Israel. I thought you sent him."
"I most certainly did not," said God. "What were the letters on the side of this chariot?"
Moses stooped and wrote three letters in the sand. Pointing at them, he pronounced, "Oops" (UPS).
From: Mark Golden, mark@choicenet1.com
Q: What did King James Bible say to King James?
A: I have more pages than you!
From: Doglass Daniel, doglassdaniel@hotmail.com
Little Bobby: Mom, why was nothing said about the other persons that Jesus raised from the dead together with Lazarus?
Mom: Oh dear, now were did you learn that there were other persons? It was only Lazarus.
Little Bobby: But mom, every time I read that verse I cannot help but assume that there were at least four persons.
Mom: Now why would you assume something like that?
Little Bobby: 'Cause Lazarus came fourth (forth)!
From: LaMonaInDet@aol.com
Some men were discussing the Bible. They were wondering how many apples Adam and Eve ate in the Garden of Eden.
First man: I think there was only one apple in the Garden.
Second man: I think there were ten apples. Adam 8 and Eve ate 2.
Third man: I think there were sixteen apples. Eve 8 and Adam 8 also.
Fourth man: I think all three of you are wrong. If Eve 8 and Adam 82, that would be a total of 90 apples.
Fifth man: You guys don't know how to add at all. According to history, Eve 81 and Adam 82. That would be a total of 163 apples.
Sixth man: Wait a minute! If Eve 81 and Adam 812, that would make a total of 893 apples.
Seventh man: None of you guys understand the problem in the slightest. According to my figuring, if Eve 814 Adam and Adam 8124 Eve, that would be a total of 8,938 apples in the garden.
At that point all of the men gave up.
From: Kevin Carter, kevin-e-carter@comcast.net
Q. How long did Cain hate his brother?
A. As long as he was Abel.
Q. At what time of day was Adam created?
A. A little before Eve.
Q. Why should we be encouraged by the story of Jonah and the whale?
A. Because Jonah was down in the mouth, but came out all right.
Q. Did Eve never have a date with Adam?
A. No, it was an apple.
Q. When was the first meat mentioned in the Bible?
A. When Noah took Ham into the ark.
Q. Why was the woman in the Bible turned into a pillar of salt?
A. Because she was dissatisfied with her lot.
Q. On the Ark, Noah probably got milk from the cows. What did he get from the ducks?
A. Quackers.
Q. Where is the first math problem mentioned in the Bible?
A. When God told Adam and Eve to go forth and multiply.
Q. Why did Noah have to punish and discipline the chickens on the Ark?
A. Because they were using "fowl" language.
Q. How do we know that the disciples were very cruel to the corn?
A. Because they pulled its ears.
Q. Which animal on Noah's Ark had the highest level of intelligence?
A. The giraffe.
A minister was talking to a children's Sunday School class about kindness to animals. He cited the Biblical references to substantiate his case.
"Now let's suppose," he said, "that you saw a bad person cutting off the tail of a cat. What Biblical quotation would you use to tell him of the terrible wrong he was doing?"
"I would point out to him," one of the class said, "what God hath joined together, let no man put asunder. (Mt. 19:6)"