"Crash Report"
As he reviewed pilot crash reports, my Air Force military science professor stumbled upon this understated entry: "After catastrophic engine failure, I landed long. As I had no power, the landing gear failed to deploy and no braking was available.
I bounced over the stone wall at the end of the runway, struck the trailer of a truck while crossing the perimeter road, crashed through the guardrail, grazed off a large pine tree, ran over a tractor parked in the adjacent field and hit another tree.
Then I lost control of the plane."
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CleanQuote
"Judge everything by appearances and nobody would ever eat an oyster."
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"Honesty"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A teenage girl had just been given family-car privileges. One Friday night she returned home very late from a party.
The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning. At 11:30 the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her, "What time did you get in last night?"
"Not too late, Dad." she replied nervously.
Dead-panned, her father said, "Then I'll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front tire of the car."
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Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between
them a young man in a three-piece suit.
"This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said one.
"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.
And so they haggled before the king until he called for
silence.
"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew
the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a
half."
"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.
But the other woman said, "Oh, sire, do not spill innocent
blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."
The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney must
marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.
"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the
king's court.
"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the
TRUE mother-in-law."
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As a ski instructor, I sometimes tease my little pupils. Once I told seven
year old Luke that if my skis were faster than his, it was because I'd waxed
them with butter.
The next morning his grandmother came to class with him. She took me aside
and said, "We had no butter left for breakfast. Luke had spread it all over
his skis, claiming that it was the proper way to wax them. I think you
should tell the children that instead of listening to nonsense from other
beginners, they should only take advice from their teacher."
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As a ski instructor, I sometimes tease my little pupils. Once I told seven
year old Luke that if my skis were faster than his, it was because I'd waxed
them with butter.
The next morning his grandmother came to class with him. She took me aside
and said, "We had no butter left for breakfast. Luke had spread it all over
his skis, claiming that it was the proper way to wax them. I think you
should tell the children that instead of listening to nonsense from other
beginners, they should only take advice from their teacher."
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Pride is something we have. Vanity is something others have.
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Birds of a feather flock together and **** on your car.
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Did you ever notice?
The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL."
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it.
For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
Did you ever notice?
When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs."