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Easy Operation?
A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his
wheelchair, just before his operation.
A nurse stopped him and asked, "What's the matter?"
He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't
worry. I'm sure it will be all right.'"
"She was just trying to comfort you. What's so frightening about that?"
"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!"
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College Cure
Two men sank into adjacent train seats after a long day in the city. One asked the other, "Your son go back to college yet?"
"Two days ago."
"Mine's a senior this year, so it's almost over. In May, he'll be an engineer. What's your boy going to be when he gets out of college?"
"At the rate he's going, I'd say he'll be about thirty."
"No, I mean what's he taking in college?"
"He's taking every penny I make."
"Doesn't he burn the midnight oil enough?"
"He doesn't get in early enough to burn the midnight oil."
"Well, has sending him to college done anything at all?"
"Sure has! It's totally cured his mother of bragging about him."
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An atheist professor was teaching a college class and he
told the class that he was going to prove that there was no God. He said, "God if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!"
Ten minutes went by. He kept taunting God, saying, "Here I
am God, I'm still waiting." He got down to the last couple
of minutes and a big 240-pound football player happened to
walk by the door and heard what the professor said. The football player walked into the classroom and in the last minute, hit the professor full force, sending him flying off the platform.
The professor got up, obviously shaken, and said, "Where did you come from, and why did you do that?"
The football player replied, "God was busy; He sent me!"
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Tips for Rednecks
IN GENERAL
1. Never take a adult beverages to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting
at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change
the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the
will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul
to the funeral home.
DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the
paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the
fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold
it with your fingers covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be
anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no
matter how good his manners are.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a
job that should be done in private using one's OWN
truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for
several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is
a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social
no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry
and alter the taste of her finger foods.
DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially
on the first date.
THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and
picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen.
Tests have proven they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding
gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get
you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit
with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create
a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes
for this special occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even
if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with
the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct
tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas
can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back more
beverages.5. Do not "burn rubber" while traveling in a funeral procession.