hUMOR For Jan 26th

Busy Button

I was shopping with my roommate, and I saw a humorous button that
said, "It might look like I'm doing nothing, but on a cellular level,
I'm quite busy."

I showed it to her, and her response was, "Oh, I should buy that one,
I'm always talking on mine."

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Jump Start

About five years ago, the battery in my beat-up VW Beetle

had died because I left the lights on overnight. I was in a

hurry to get to work on time, so I ran into the house to get

my wife to give me a hand in starting the car.

I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric

oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough

to start it. I pointed out to her that because the VW had an

automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 30

MPH for it to start. She said fine, hopped into her car, and

drove off.

I sat there fuming, wondering what she could be doing. A

minute passed by, and when I saw her in the rear view mirror

coming at me at about 40 MPH, I realized that I should have

been a bit more clear with my directions!

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Jump Start

About five years ago, the battery in my beat-up VW Beetle

had died because I left the lights on overnight. I was in a

hurry to get to work on time, so I ran into the house to get

my wife to give me a hand in starting the car.

I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric

oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough

to start it. I pointed out to her that because the VW had an

automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 30

MPH for it to start. She said fine, hopped into her car, and

drove off.

I sat there fuming, wondering what she could be doing. A

minute passed by, and when I saw her in the rear view mirror

coming at me at about 40 MPH, I realized that I should have

been a bit more clear with my directions!

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"American Idol premiered last night. I like the bad singers

better than the good ones. Especially the crazy ones. I was

thinking I would like to see a whole show with nothing but

crazy people being insulted by judges. And then I remembered

that's already a show, called Judge Judy." -Jimmy Kimmel

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"American Idol premiered last night. I like the bad singers

better than the good ones. Especially the crazy ones. I was

thinking I would like to see a whole show with nothing but

crazy people being insulted by judges. And then I remembered

that's already a show, called Judge Judy." -Jimmy Kimmel

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A Stanford Medical research group advertised for participants

in a study of obsessive-compulsive disorder. They were

looking for therapy clients who had been diagnosed with this

disorder. The response was gratifying; they got 300 responses

the day after the ad came out.

All from the same person.

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Junk Food

My wife and I don't have a lot of "junk food" in the house. Upon eating a snack of some munchies or other my Grandson asked what vitamins they had in them.

I told him I doubted there were any at all.

He replied wide-eyed, "You mean these are just for fun ?"

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Junk Food

My wife and I don't have a lot of "junk food" in the house. Upon eating a snack of some munchies or other my Grandson asked what vitamins they had in them.

I told him I doubted there were any at all.

He replied wide-eyed, "You mean these are just for fun ?"

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Mason vs. Dixie

A University of Georgia student was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed. He was attempting to start up a conversation with the line, "Where does you go to school?"

The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, but did answer his question. "Yale," she replied.

The Georgia student took a big, deep breath and shouted, "WHERE DOES YOU GO TO SCHOOL?"

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Mason vs. Dixie

A University of Georgia student was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed. He was attempting to start up a conversation with the line, "Where does you go to school?"

The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, but did answer his question. "Yale," she replied.

The Georgia student took a big, deep breath and shouted, "WHERE DOES YOU GO TO SCHOOL?"

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Pay Back

Two friends were standing in a bank when a pair of robbers entered.

Not only did the thieves clean out the tills, but they walked around with bags and ordered everyone to throw their valuables in.

Just as the robbers got to the pair, one of the friends turned to the other and, passing him a bill, said, "By the way, Joe, here's that twenty bucks I owe you.

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Two blondes were roofing a hous. One would pull out a nail and then hammer it into the roof. Then she would pull out another nail, look at it, then throuw it over her shoulder.

The second blonde eventually saw what the first blonde was doing. She watched her for a while, and finally siad, "why do you keep throwing out every other nail?"

The first blond replied, "because their pint is on the wrong end."

The second blonde said, "You airhead, those nails are for the other side of the roof!"

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"Gripe Comments"

After every flight, pilots fill out a form (called a "gripe sheet," at some airlines) which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

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P: Left inside main tire almost needs rep lacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

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Oneliner

"Rain is what makes flowers grow and taxis disappear."

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CleanPun - "Parking"

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windshield that said "Parking Fine."

That was so nice.