A Rare Book
A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had just thrown away an old Bible that he found in a dusty, old box. He happened to mention that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed it."Not Gutenberg?" Gasped the collector."Yes, that was it!""You idiot! You've thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A copy recently sold at an auction for half a million dollars!" "Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth anything close to that much," replied the man. "It was scribbled all over in the margins by some guy named Martin Luther.
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From: Jerry Neal, jerrydneal@sbcglobal.net
Q: How do we know that Jesus raised cattle?A: Because he had a pair 'o' bulls (Parables). Q: How do we know that Jesus raised vegetables?A: Because he said. "Peas be upon you." (Peace be upon you). Q: How do we know that Jesus used fertilizer?A: Because he said, "Lettuce spray." (Let us pray). Q: How do we know that Jesus made coffee?A: It says so in the book of He Brews. (Hebrews). Q: How do you study the Bible?A: You Luke into it.
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Q. How do we know that the disciples were very cruel to the corn?A. Because they pulled its ears.
From: Doglass Daniel, doglassdaniel@hotmail.com
Little Bobby: Mom, why was nothing said about the other persons that Jesus raised from the dead together with Lazarus?Mom: Oh dear, now were did you learn that there were other persons? It was only Lazarus.Little Bobby: But mom, every time I read that verse I cannot help but assume that there were at least four persons.Mom: Now why would you assume something like that?Little Bobby: 'Cause Lazarus came fourth (forth)! Terri asked her Sunday school class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent."The flight to Egypt," said Kyle. "I see ... And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms. Terri said. "But who's the fourth person?" "Oh, that's Pontius - the Pilot. Q: How do we know Peter was a rich fisherman? A: By his net income. Q: What's the first sign of football in the Bible? A: Jesus going for the cross. Q: Why were Peter, Andrew James and John the best letter writers? A: Because as fishermen they learned to drop a line.
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Q. Why should we be encouraged by the story of Jonah and the whale?A. Because Jonah was down in the mouth, but came out all right.Q: Why couldn't Jonah trust the ocean? A: Because he know there was something fishy about it. Q: Why could Jonah be eaten by the big fish? A: He was one of the "minor prophets"!Jonah's song: "Got a Whale of a Tale"
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Q: Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible? A: David - he rocked Goliath to sleep. Q: Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a slingshot? A: The thought had never entered his head before. Q: If Goliath is resurrected, would you like to tell him the joke about David and Goliath? A: No, he already fell for it once.
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Attending To BusinessLegal signs of the times...
A lawyer parked his car in front of City Hall and left the sign: “Attorney inside attending to business” on his windshield.When the lawyer returned, he found this notice on the car: “Policeman outside attending to business.”
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UPHow do non-natives learn English nuances?
There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is “UP.”It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election, and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?We call UP our friends and we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word 'UP' in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets UP the earth.When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.A guy at work was all stressed out - said he was fed UP.A Texas rancher looked at his horse and said, “Giddy UP.”One guy thought I was too loud - he told me to shut UP.I went to a casino and the dealer told me to UP my ante, then his boss came over and said, “Ante UP!” I almost told him to “Put UP” or “Shut UP.”I'll wrap it UP - my time is UP... no more to put here so I'll give UP!
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Hot-Headed GolferA hot-headed golfer with a penchant for breaking clubs was playing one day when he came to the 16th hole, where he faced an approach shot across a ravine.He said to his caddie, "What kind of distance do we have, son?"The caddie replied, "About 135, sir.""My 6 iron, please," said the hothead.His caddie replied, "It's going to have to be either a 3 iron or 3 wood, sir. That's all that's left in the bag!"
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"As God said in the bible, and I think rightly..." -Prime
Minister Margaret Thatcher
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"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value.
Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?"
--David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urging for
investment in the radio in the 1920s
***
"What makes him think a middle-aged actor, who's played with
a chimp, could have a future in politics?" -Ronald Reagan
commenting on Eastwood's bid to become mayor of Carmel.
[However, my personal opinion is that the "Every Which Way"
movies were much superior to the "Bonzo" movies.]
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Following are a few gems taken from actual resumes:
"Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require pre-
scription drugs.
"I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't
let them know of my immediate availability."
"Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity,
and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come
cheap."
"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'.
I have never quit a job."
"Number of dependents: 40."
"Marital Status: Often. Children: Various."
"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."
REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB: "Responsibility makes me
nervous."
"They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every
morning. Couldn't work under those conditions."
JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:
"While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I
am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least
partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and
that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the ap-
plication of more rarefied facets of financial management as
the major sphere of responsibility."
"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."
"My goal is to be a meteorologist. Since I have no training
in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
"I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."
PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:
"Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."