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A man suddenly started feeling horrible and was sent to thehospital.The next day, the doctor had a talk with the man's wife. Hesaid, "Your husband has been suffering from serious stress.If immediate action is not taken, he could die in a veryshort time."The woman said, "What type of immediate action?"The doctor said, "You must provide a stress-free environmentin your home. For the next two weeks, make wonderful mealsfor him every day. Also, you must be sure that you don't naghim or stress him in any way."On the drive home from the hospital, her husband asked, "Sowhat's wrong with me, honey?"The woman paused for a moment and then replied, "Sorry,honey, but you're going to die."
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Resume Examples
These are real examples from real resumes:
*Reasons For Leaving Last Job*
- Responsibility makes me nervous.- They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions.- Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches.- I was working for my mom until she decided to move.- The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers.
*Job Responsibilities*
- While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility.- I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.
*Special Requests and Job Objectives*
- Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job.- My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.- I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant.
*Physical Disabilities*
- Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.
*Personal Interests*
- Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.
*Small Typos That Can Change the Meaning*
- Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.- Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse.- Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.- I'm a rabid typist.- Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.
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Here is today's CleanQuote.
"Many eyes go through the meadow, but few see the flowers in it." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
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Life Experience
A 17-year-old girl had just gotten her driver's license and offered to take her mom's car to the gas station. She pulled up to the full-service pumps, and the attendant asked, "What grade, miss?"
"Eleventh!" she replied.
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Epitaphs*****************************Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:Born 1903-Died 1942 Looked up the elevator shaft tosee if the car was on the way down. It was.******************************In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:Here lies an AtheistAll dressed upAnd no place to go.******************************On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East DalhousieCemetery, Nova Scotia:Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102.The Good Die Young.******************************In a London, England cemetery:Here lies Ann Mann,Who lived an old maidBut died an old Mann.Dec. 8, 1767*****************************In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery: Anna Wallace:The children of Israel wanted bread,And the Lord sent them manna.Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,And the Devil sent him Anna.******************************In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:Here lies Johnny Yeast.Pardon meFor not rising.******************************In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.Stepped on the gasInstead of the brake.******************************In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:Here lays The Kid.We planted him raw.He was quick on the triggerBut slow on the draw.******************************A lawyer's epitaph in England:Sir John Strange.Here lies an honest lawyer,And that is Strange.******************************John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England,cemetery:Reader, if cash thou art In want of any,Dig 6 feet deep; And thou wilt find a Penny.******************************In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:On the 22nd of June,Jonathan Fiddle Went out of tune.******************************Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, VermontHere lies the body of our Anna -Done to death by a banana.It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,But the skin of the thing that made her go.******************************On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:Under the sod and under the trees,Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.He is not here, there's only the pod.Pease shelled out and went to God.******************************In a cemetery in England:Remember man, as you walk by,As you are now, so once was I.As I am now, so shall you be.Remember this and follow me.To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:To follow you I'll not consentUntil I know which way you went.
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All In The Family...What's your father's occupation?" asked the schoolsecretary on the first day of registration."He's a magician," said the new boy."How exciting. What's his best trick?""He saws people in half.""How impressive! Now, do you have any brothers orsisters?""Yep...one half brother and two half sisters."