Recent Quips from Late Night
"Yesterday, President Bush announced there are going to be some big changes in intelligence in the White House. Yeah, he's leaving." --Jay Leno
"Yesterday, Bill Clinton was giving a speech, he told a group of supporters that his wife Hillary is the person he most wants to spend time with. Yeah, apparently
"But I think the U.S. is going to do well, particularly in swimming, I think we have a very strong swimming time this year for the Olympics, yeah, that's right. Dick Cheney in particular looks great in the freestyle waterboarding." --David Letterman
"Well listen, Barack Obama accused Republicans of trying to make others fear him, because, and I quote, he 'doesn't look like the other presidents on the dollar bill.' So the choice is, do you want to elect a guy who doesn't look like the president on the dollar bill, or do you want to elect a guy who looks older than the president on the dollar bill?" --Jay Leno
"John McCain's daughter announced she's writing a children's book based on her father's life. I think that's very nice, yeah. The children's book is called 'James and the Giant Prostate.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Yeah that's the big talk, they say Barack Obama could decide to go with another woman. See that's what killed John Edwards' chances of being VP, he decided to go with another woman." --Jay Leno
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Windsor Castle
One particularly annoyed tourist whined, "Why did they build the castle so close to the airport?"
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Three Doctors Hunting
Three doctors are in the duck blind and a bird flies overhead. The general practitioner looks at it and says, "Looks like a duck, flies like a duck... it's probably a duck," shoots at it but misses and the bird flies away.
The next bird flies overhead, and the pathologist looks at it, then looks through the pages of a bird manual, and says, "Hmmmm...green wings, yellow bill, quacking sound...might be a duck." He raises his gun to shoot it, but the bird is long gone.
A third bird flies over. The surgeon raises his gun and shoots almost without looking, brings the bird down, and turns to the pathologist and says, "Go see if that was a duck."
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Simple Questions, Complicated Answers
Why is abbreviated such a long word?
Why does monosyllabic have five syllables?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
Why are there interstate highways in
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
Why do they call it a building? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a built?
Why is it when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
If price and worth mean the same thing, why priceless and worthless are opposites?
Is there another word for synonym?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
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"Scotch Tape has been designated a national historic
chemical landmark. It's only the second time in history
something's been designated a chemical landmark. The
first was the state of
***
"Police in
for breaking into a building. They say the man would have
gotten away, but they shot out his tires." -Conan O'Brien
***
"The U.N has evidence of global warming. And right now they
are working hard, around the clock to do nothing about it."
--Dave Letterman
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A fisherman's wife was sitting by a tent in a clearing on
the bank of a river when along came the park ranger and said,
"Excuse me ma'am but I need to speak to your husband. Can you
tell me where he is?"
She replied, pointing to a clump of reeds. "Go over there and
look for the pole with a worm on both ends."
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A man who owner a local grocery store was out delivering
orders in his station wagon when he hit and injured a little,
old lady. The lady sued and was awarded an amount large
enough to drive the man out of business.
After difficult times he managed to accumulate enough to try
again. But a few months after opening his doors he struck an
old gentleman with his delivery truck. The gentleman sued
and collected big damages, enough to ruin the merchant yet
again.
On a peaceful Sunday the grocer was sitting in his living
room when his little boy entered and called out, "Father,
Father, Mother's been run over by a great big bus."
The grocer's eyes filled with tears, and in a voice trembling
with emotion he cried, "Thank the Lord, my luck's changed at
last."
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"Paint Bonus"
The homeowner was delighted with the way the painter had done all the work on his house. "You did a great job." he said and handed the man a check. "Also, in order to thank you, here's an extra $80 to take the missus out to dinner and a movie."
Later that night, the doorbell rang and it was the painter. Thinking the man had forgotten something he asked, "What's the matter, did you forget something?"
"Nope." replied the painter. "I'm just here to take your missus out to dinner and a movie like you asked."
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Oneliner
"If money won't make you happy, you won't like poverty either."
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"Nervous Taxpayer"
A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS Tax auditor who had come to review his records. At one point the auditor exclaimed, "Mr. Carr, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the
"Wonderful," returned Mr. Carr, with a giant grin on his face from ear to ear, "I thought you were going to want me to pay with cash!"
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”Yoga Nails”
A young woman who was worried about her habit of biting her fingernails down to the quick was advised by a friend to take up yoga to ease her nervousness. She did, and soon her fingernails were growing normally.
One day her friend stopped her and noticing her long, groomed nails -- asked her if yoga had totally cured her nervousness.
"No," she replied, "but now I can reach my toe-nails so I bite them instead."
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Classroom Management
A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.
He had no trouble with discipline that term.