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Truthfully SpeakingA cowboy went to buy an insurance policy. The agent asked, "Have you ever had an accident?""Nope," replied the cowboy, "last summer, a bronc kicked in two of my ribs ... and a couple of years ago, a rattlesnake bit me on the ankle.""Wouldn't you call those accidents?" quizzed the puzzled agent."Naw," the cowboy replied. "They did it on purpose!"
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Fair Ladies and Noble Gentlemen:I, RaPUNzel, have a HAIR-raising tale to SHEAR with youwritten by the Brothers TRIMM.When I was a young CURL, a jealous queen LOCKed me in atower.I was STRANDed and was at my SPLITS END -- truly a damsel inTHESE TRESSES!The queen thought it was a PERMANENT SOLUTION but, day afterday, knight after knight would try to climb the tower, whichwas so tall the FOLLICLE you!They would climb my BRAID, and if they weren't so handsome,I would give them the BRUSH off.Gee, I wonder if that's where I got my reputation for beingsuch a big TEASE.One day, a handsome knight named Prince LATHERRINSE tried torescue me.He was HEAD & SHOULDERS above the rest.I said, "COMB and SHAVE me!"The queen found out about it and cut off my hair.And let me tell you, Hell hath no fury as a woman SHORNED!She'll have Hell TOUPEE because I am not someone to TANGLEwith.Prince Latherrinse WISPed me away and we got married and hadtwins.But, we didn't live happily ever after because he placed toomany CONDITIONERS on our marriage, which were reallyCRIMPING my STYLE.So, we PARTED ways and a custody battle ensued.It came down to SPLITTING HAIRS (heirs) so he took one twinand I took the other.So, now I don't date princes anymore because I don't want aLATHER RINSE REPEAT... (read the shampoo label).And I've gotten back to my ROOTS by changing my hair fromBLONDE to brown and this new color is to DYE for.After all, BRUNETTES have more pun.Well, that's the LONG AND SHORT of my HAIRY tale.I bid you all ADO!(By Tiff Wimberly)
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Lou goes to the doctor's office complaining of not feeling well. The doctor runs some test on him and in a few minutes comes back in. The Doctor says, "Lou, sit down. I've got some bad news. You don't have much time to live."
Lou is obviously upset about this, but asks, "How much longer do I have doc?"
The doctor says, "10."
Lou says, "10 what? 10 weeks...10 months...10 years?"
The doctor replies, "9...8...7..."
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Epitaph Adjustment
A new widow requested the epitaph "Rest in Peace" for her husband's tombstone. When she later found he had left his fortune to his mistress, she attempted to get the engraver to change the carving. This was impossible; the words were chiseled and could not be changed.
"In that case," she said, "please add 'Till We Meet Again.'"
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Here is today's Oneliner.
"I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat." - Marcus Brigstocke
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Here is today's CleanPun. - Costume
I walked into a coffee shop on Halloween to find the woman behind the counter with a bunch of sponges pinned to her uniform.
"I'm assuming this is a costume, but just what are you supposed to be?" I asked.
The waitress responded proudly, "I'm self-absorbed."
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Little Johnny wasn't very good at spelling. During anoral spelling exam, the teacher wrote the word "new"on the blackboard. "Now," she asked Johnny, "what word would we have ifwe placed a "K" in the front?"After a moment's reflection, Johnny smiled and said,"Canoe?"
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The bank manager noticed the new clerk was an idiot atcounting money and adding up figures."Where did you get your finance education?" he asked."Yale," replied the lad."And what's your name?" barked the manager."Yim Yohnston," he replied.
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From our archives --Redneck Fisherman Love PoemCollards is green, my dog's name is Blueand I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.Yore hair is like cornsilk a-flapping in the breeze.Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas.You move like the bass, which excite me in May.You ain't got no scales but I luv you anyway.Yo're as satisfy'n as okry jist a-fry'n in the pan.Yo're as fragrant as "snuff" right out of the can.You have some'a yore teeth, for which I am proud;I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms,well, I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms.Still them fellers at work, they all want to know,what I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe.Like a good roll of duct tape yo're there fer yoreman,to patch up life's troubles and fix what you can.Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead.You ain't mean like those far ants I found in my bed.Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt,you spark up my life more than a fresh load of dirt.When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack,my life is complete; Ain't nuttin' I lack.Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinylsidin'.despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'.Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie with a RC cold drank,we go together like a skunk goes with stank.Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine's Day;They git it at Wal-Mart, it's romantic that way.Some men git roses on that special dayfrom the cooler at Kroger. "That's impressive," I say.Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth."Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth.But for this man, honey, these won't do.Cause yor'e too special, you sweet thang you.I got you a gift, without taste nor odor,more useful than diamonds: IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR!!