Couldn't Spell
Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast. Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband. "Henry," she said, "I've just received a letter from mother saying she isn't accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her. What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn't you?" "Er, yes, I did," said the husband. "But I, I couldn't spell 'convenience,' so I made it 'risk.'"
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Free drinks for everyone
One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: "Drinks for all on me including you, bartender." So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: "That will be $36.50 please." The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out. The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out. On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender. "What, no drink for me?" replies the bartender. "Oh, no. You get violent when you drink."
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Well Done
John was furious when his steak arrived too rare. "Waiter," he shouted, "Didn't you hear me say 'well done'?" "I can't thank you enough, sir," replied the waiter. "I hardly ever get a compliment."
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For The Kids...
Q: What do owls sing when it is raining? A: 'Too wet to woo'! Q: What do baby swans dance to?A: Cygnet-ure-tunes! Q: What birds spend all their time on their knees?A: Birds of prey! Q: What did they call the canary that flew into the pastry dish?A: Tweetie Pie!
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If you're ever attacked by a circus, go for the juggler.
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Hire HerWhen your age doesn’t require an exact date…
A minister, interviewing a woman who was applying for a Church staff position, read her application and said, “I see your birthday is July 3. What year?”Her simple reply was, “Every year.”
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Fly By Night PilotInspiration in the darkness...Flying while Lying
“There's one thing I don't understand," the passenger said to the pilot on the red eye night flight. "How do you fly in the dark?”“Well,” answered the pilot, "there's a light on the left wing, a light on the right wing, and a light on the tail. All I have to do is keep the plane between the lights.”
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Chutzpah DefinedWhat's your quality of audacity?
A little old Jewish lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each.Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time, and as he passed the pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but never take a pretzel.And this went on for more then 3 years. The two of them never spoke. One day, as the young man passed the old lady's stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzel lady spoke to him.“Sir, I appreciate your business. You are a good customer, but I have to tell you that the pretzel price has gone up to 35 cents.”
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And They Ask Why I Like Retirement!
Question: How many days in a week? Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday Question: When is a retiree's bedtime? Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done. Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount. Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?Answer: Tied shoes. Question: Why do retirees count pennies? Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?Answer: NUTS! Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage? Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there. Question: What do retirees call a long lunch? Answer: Normal . Question: What is the best way to describe retirement? Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.Question : What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree? Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth. My favoriteQUESTION: What do you do all week? Answer: Mon to Fri. Nothing, Sat & Sun I rest. Share this one with all the retirees that you know. I'm sure they can relate to some of them! AND, If you have not yet retired, look what you have to look forward to.
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Question - When you apply for Welfare in Mexico what does that Government give you?
Answer - A map to the United States! And directions on how, and where, to cross the border!
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Waiter FeedbackThe diner was furious when his steak arrived too rare. "Waiter," he barked, "didn't you hear me say 'well done'?"I can't thank you enough, sir," replied the waiter. "I hardly ever get a compliment."
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The New Pastor
A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his community. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it in the door. The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was a notation "Genesis 3:10." Upon opening his Bible to the passage he let out a roar of laughter. Revelation 3:20 reads: (Pastors note) "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come into him, and will dine with him, and he with me." Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."
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For The Kids...
Why did the chicken cross the road at the fairground? To get to the other side! What did the lovesick bull say to the cow?'When I fall in love it will be for heifer'! Why were the hens lying on their backs with their legs in the air?Because eggs were going up! What do you call a sheep with no legs or head?A cloud! What do you get if you feed gunpowder to a chicken?An egg-splosion!