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Painting the Living RoomI'd been hired to paint a woman's living room, but every time I put another coat of paint on the walls, my client changed her mind about the color. After the third time, it still wasn't right. So back to the paint store I went.As I painted the fourth coat on, she commented, "It seems like you're painting faster."I replied, "No, the room's actually gotten smaller."
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/* The server was down for about a day and a half because oftechnical issues and for updates. I think we have solved allthe problems now. Thanks for your patience! */Still living at home, bored, and expecting to inherit afortune when his sickly widower father died, Robert decidedhe needed a woman to keep him company.So he went to a singles bar, and he searched until hespotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away. "Rightnow, I'm just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up toher, "but within a month or two, my father will pass awayand I'll inherit over 20 million dollars." The woman wenthome with Robert that night.And four days later, she became his stepmother.Some men never learn...
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Two dirty bums were walking down the street and stopped at a red light. A catholic priest with his arm in a cast was waiting to cross. "Hey, man," asked one, "what happened?"
"I fell in the bathtub and broke my arm," replied the padre.
One bum turned to the other and asked, "What's a bathtub?"
The other replied, "How do I know, I'm not a Catholic."
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Delivery Suspicion
There was an unexpected knock on my door, and like I always do I first opened the peephole and asked, "Who's there?"
"Parcel post, ma'am. I have a package that needs a signature."
"Where's the package?" I asked suspiciously. The deliveryman held it up.
"Could I see some ID?" I said, still not convinced.
"Lady," he replied wearily, "if I wanted to break into your house, I'd probably just use these." And he pulled out the keys I had left in the door.
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Here is today's Oneliner.
"A magazine recently published that in the last census 1.6 percent of the people were not counted....how can they know that?"
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Here is today's CleanPun. - Attendance Deal
A Baptist preacher went to visit a member of the community and invited him to come to church Sunday morning. It seems that this man was a producer of fine peach brandy, and told the preacher that he would attend his church IF the pastor would drink some of his brandy and admit doing so in front of his congregation. The preacher agreed and drank up.
Sunday morning the man visited the church. The preacher recognized the man from the pulpit and said:
"I see Mr. Johnson is here with us this morning. I want to thank him publicly for his hospitality this week and especially for the peaches he gave me and the spirit in which they were given."
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Thanks to LBS: LessonsI've learned.... That the best classroom in the worldis at the feet of an elderly person.I've learned.... That when you're in love, it shows.I've learned.... That just one person saying to me,"You've made my day!" makes my day.I've learned.... That having a child fall asleep inyour arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in theworld.I've learned.... That being kind is more importantthan being right.I've learned.... That you should never say "no" to agift from a child.I've learned.... That I can always pray for someonewhen I don't have the strength to help him in someother way.I've learned.... That no matter how serious your liferequires you to be, everyone needs a friend to actgoofy with.I've learned.... That sometimes all a person needs isa hand to hold and a heart to understand.I've learned.... That simple walks with my fatheraround the block on summer nights when I was a childdid wonders for me as an adult.I've learned.... That life is like a roll of toiletpaper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster itgoes.I've learned.... That we should be glad God doesn'tgive us everything we ask for.I've learned.... That money doesn't buy class. I've learned.... That it's those small dailyhappenings that make life so spectacular.I've learned... That under everyone's hard shell issomeone who wants to be appreciated and loved.I've learned.... That the Lord didn't do it all in oneday. What makes me think I can?I've learned.... That to ignore the facts does notchange the facts.I've learned.... That when you plan to get even withsomeone, you are only letting that person continue tohurt you.I've learned.... That love, not time, heals allwounds.I've learned.... That the easiest way for me to growas a person is to surround myself with people smarterthan I am.I've learned.... That there's nothing sweeter thansleeping with your babies and feeling their breath onyour cheeks.I've learned.... That no one is perfect until you fallin love with them.I've learned.... That life is tough, but I'm tougher. I've learned.... That opportunities are never lost;someone will take the ones you miss.I've learned.... That when you harbor bitterness,happiness will dock elsewhere.I've learned.... That I wish I could have told my Dadthat I love him one more time before he passed away.I've learned.... That one should keep his words bothsoft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eatthem.I've learned.... That a smile is an inexpensive way toimprove your looks.I've learned.... That I can't choose how I feel, but Ican choose what I do about it.I've learned.... That when your newly born child holdsyour little finger in his little fist, that you'rehooked for life.I've learned.... That everyone wants to live on top ofthe mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurswhile you're climbing it.I've learned ... That it is best to give advice inonly two circumstances; when it is requested and whenit is a life threatening situation.I've learned.... That the less time I have to workwith, the more things I get done.