Grandma ComparisonChase was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?""You're both old," he replied.
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Testing for Development-Archetypes
Nobody can deny that the goal of software development is to produce the highest quality product possible. The only way to ensure that quality is through extensive testing. Therefore, the following testing programs will be implemented as additions to the regularly scheduled regression testing: Aggression Testing: Punching all developers with an open bug. Confession Testing: All developers must admit what they either cannot do or have blown off. Digression Testing: Developers and analysts must change the subject and ramble when the topic of bugs comes up. Repression Testing: All developers must tell everyone who they secretly want to kill. Oppression Testing: All developers will be required to work 24 hours a day until all bugs are fixed. Depression Testing: All developers must explain which bugs make them sad, and why. Succession Testing: Developers must be able to name the chain of command in the event that a PM dies. Hessian Testing: QA will be redone by German mercenaries. Joe Pescian Testing: All functions to be tested by a hot-headed Mafioso. Please see your PM to get your testing schedule.
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Pep Talk
The sales manager was wrapping up her pep talk to new staff members. "Just remember this," she said. "Always be sincere, whether you mean it or not."
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Card Game
Two elderly gentlemen are playing cards on Saturday evening just as they have done for the past 50 years. Gus, the elder, had been having problems remembering what cards were what, and usually needed help from his wife. At the end of the card game Red said to Gus, "You did very good tonight. You didn't need any help at all. Why is that?" Gus replied, "Why, ever since my wife sent me to that memory school, I haven't had any problems at all." "Memory school? What memory school?" Gus thought for a moment, "Oh, what's that flower that's red with thorns? A really pretty flower . . . " "A rose?" asked Red. "Yeah, that's it!" Gus turned to his wife and mumbled, "Hey, Rose! What's the name of that memory school you sent me to?"
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For The Kids...
What does a witch turn when the lights go out?The dark! What do witches use pencil sharpeners for?To keep their hats pointed! What is evil and ugly, puts spells on people and is made of leaves?A witch (The leaves were just a plant)! Where does a general keep his armies?Up his sleevies!
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A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of
the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed, and
left for dead. She described the situation in vivid detail
so her students would catch the drama. Then she asked the
class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all
wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think
I'd throw up."
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A duck walks into a bar and asks "got any crackers? "
Bartender says no.
Duck walks out.
Duck walks in the next day and asks, "got any crackers?" bar
tender says no.
Duck walks out.
Duck walks in the next day and asks got any crackers?
Bar tender says, "I told you yesterday and the day before
that no! and if you ask that one more time Ill nail your
beak shut!"
Duck walks out.
Duck comes back the next day and asks, "got any nails?"
bartender says no.
Duck says "good. Got any crackers?"
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Don't you think we should have a way of telling people they have bad breath
without hurting their feelings?
Perhaps we could use phrases like, "Well I'm bored. Let's go brush our
teeth!" Or, "I've got to go make a phone call, would you hold this gum in
your mouth?"
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Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your
bare hands and then eat just one piece.
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Father/Daughter Talk
A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, and was very much in favor of "the redistribution of wealth."
She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.
One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the addition of more government welfare programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing in school.
Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.
Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Audrey doing?" She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over."
Her father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA."
The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, "That wouldn't be fair! I have worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!"
The father slowly smiled, winked and said, "Welcome to the Republican party."