50th Wedding Anniversary
On their 50th wedding anniversary, a couple summed up the
reason for their long and happy marriage.
The husband said, "I have tried never to be selfish. After
all, there is no 'I' in the word 'marriage.'"
The wife said, "For my part, I have never corrected my
husband's spelling."
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"One bad thing about working for yourself is if you call in and say your
grandmother died, you know you're just making it up." - Harrison Cockerill
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189 Pieces
A grandfather bought a hobby horse by mail order as a
birthday present for his granddaughter. The toy arrived in
189 pieces. The instructions said that it could be put
together in an hour. However, it took the old man two days
to assemble the toy.
Finally, when it was all put together, he wrote a check, cut
it into 189 pieces, and mailed it off to the company.
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Good Thinking
Little Vernie was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things.
"Mommy, mommy, why doesn't daddy have very many hairs on his head?" he asked his mother.
"He thinks a lot," replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with such a diplomatic explanation for her husband's baldness.
Or she was until her son thought for a second and asked, "So, why do you have so much hair?"
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Burglar and VicarA burglar broke into a minister's house and told the pastor, "One move and you're dead. I'm looking for money."The vicar replied, "Hang on, let me get a light and I'll help you."
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Funny Quote
"Quotes are nothing but inspiration for the uninspired."~Richard Kemph
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Brain Transplant
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.“I’m afraid I’m the bearer of bad news,” he said as he surveyed the worried faces. “The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It’s an experimental procedure…very risky…but it’s the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves…”The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, “Well, how much does a brain cost?”The doctor quickly responded, “$100,000 for a male brain, and $1000 for a female brain.”The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask:“Why is the male brain so much more?”The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group: “It’s just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they’ve actually been used.”
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The World's Shortest Books:
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY
By Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan. Illustrated by Michael Moore________________________________________
MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS &HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA By Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton_______________________________________THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL By Hillary Clinton
________________________________
Sequel:
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
By Bill Clinton ___________________________________
MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE
By Osama Bin Laden ___________________________________
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
By Bill Gates ____________________________________
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
By Dennis Rodman _________________________________
THINGS I KNOW TO BE TRUE
By Al Gore & John Kerry
_______________________________________ AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC___________________________________
A COLLECTION of
MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
By Dr. J Kevorkian
__________________________________
ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE
By Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnel
____________________________________
GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
By Mike Tyson
__________________________________
THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
_______________________________________
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
By O.J. Simpson _________________________________________
HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE OVER BRIDGES
By Ted Kennedy ___________________________________
MY BOOK OF MORALS
By Bill ClintonWith introduction by The Rev. Jesse Jackson ******************************************************* AND, JUST ADDED:
Complete Knowledge of Military Strategy!
By Nancy Pelosi
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Retiring to EnglandAn American couple was fond of England and of all things richly historic and aged. They decided to retire to London, where they hoped to buy a castle. Though that proved out of their price range, they did find a wonderful house, quite ancient, with a long and noble history.They found this house during their July vacation. They sold their house in Chicago and in November they crossed 'the pond' to retire.To their horror, they found that their new home was abysmally cold.They immediately set about trying to get a central heating system installed. Sadly, they were told by contractor after contractor that, in a house that old, it simply wasn't feasible."I was afraid it would come down to this," the husband finally said."What, honey?" the wife asked."We can't have archaic and heat it, too."