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From a friend... JEST FOR KIDS _ THE RIDDLES
What do you call a boy with one foot in the door?
Just-in! (Elma,12)
Why can't a bicycle stand alone?
Because it is two tired
What do you get if you cross day and night?
A nightlight (Wilton, 8)
Where do cows go on their first date?
To the moo-vies
What do you call spiders that have just been married?
Newlywebs! (Niraali, 110)
JEST FOR KIDS _ THE RIDDLES
In 1974 the wholesale price of sugar doubled, and grocers began to raise cane.
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.
Take a seat and I'll deal with you later.
At the gas station the other day I saw a guy spill gas all over his arm. As he was driving away he must have lit a cigarette because the next thing I saw was him waving his burning arm out the window. The cops busted him for having a firearm in his car.
PUNS IN THE COMICS
Theater review: The opening night crowd for "Rebel"
sat in stunned silence as the final curtain fell, It was a "Rebel" without applause." (Shoe: Cassett &
Brookins)
Every man has a price _ but some aren't worth buying.
(Graffiti: Gene Mora)
THE ONE-LINERS, RIDDLES & QUOTES
A yes man noes nothing. (wordfoolery
If you're at a costume party, it's probably difficult to tell the good guise from the bad. (Gail S. Angel)
What did the Marquis de Sade's wife say when asked why she was divorcing her husband? Beats me (Lorraine A.
Bellis)
Americans should be ashamed... We've eaten so many billions of Buffalo Wings that many kids today have never seen a buffalo fly. (Paul Benoit)
King Arthur, by issuing a command that all his knights go into battle properly attired, launched the first mail order! (John S. Crosbie)
Accuracy to a newspaper is what virtue is to a lady; but a newspaper can always print a retraction. (Adlai
Stevenson)
Among the things money can't buy is what it used to.
(Max Kauffman)
A gourmet challenged me to eat a tiny bit of rattlesnake meat. Remarking, "Don't look horror-stricken, You'll find it tastes a lot like chicken. It did. Now chicken I cannot eat. Because it tastes like rattlesnake meat. (Ogden Nash)
A man took the kids to a local restaurant for a quick breakfast before shopping. The place was very busy, but the quality of the food and service were obviously not up to par. When they finally got their breakfast, his youngest daughter took a look at her father's omelet and burnt toast and declared very loudly to the waitress "My Daddy can't eat that toast, he is black toast intolerant."
DAFFYNITIONS & VERBAL ABUSE
Vacuum Cleaner: A weapon of mess destruction
(wordfoolery)
Insanity: A problem of considerable dementions.
(Richard Lederer)
Fitness trainer: a person who lives off the fat of the land (Michael Driscoll)
Deceit: My mom makes me wear pants with patches on DECEIT.
Archaic: We can't have ARCHAIC and eat it too.
Antidotes: My uncle thinks I'm just fine and my ANTIDOTES on me too.
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As most young, weak and smart kids are, Ken was picked on constantly by the bullies in school. They stole his lunch, they beat him up and just downright made his life miserable. It took him a couple of weeks to find a way to get back at these bullies and when he found out what would get them back, he went all out.
He was on the bus where he normally gets his lunch stolen when he brought out a bottle that had what looked like small brown balls in it. He then, making sure no one was looking, secretly took from his pocket some milk duds and started popping them in his mouth as obvious to the rest of the kids as possible making yum yum noises.
The bully without asking snatched the jar from Ken's hand and asked, "What's in the bottle that you are making such a big deal of?"
"Well, they're smart pills."
"Smart pills?" the bully asked, then opened the jar and popped a couple of the foreign brown balls in his mouth.
"Pweeuuweppblahhh!!" he reacted. "What is this stuff? It tastes like rabbit turds!!"
"See, you're getting smarter already."
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(GCFL has not verified these "facts" and does not claim they are true.)
The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.
Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.
Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.
Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.
The first owner of the Marlboro company died of lung cancer.
Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.
Betsy Ross is the only real person to ever have been the head on a Pez dispenser.
The citrus soda 7-UP was created in 1929; "7" was selected because the original containers were 7 ounces. "UP"
indicated the direction of the bubbles.
No standard 8 1/2 x 11 piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.
One in every four Americans has appeared on television.
Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older.
A Boeing 747's wingspan is longer than the Wright brothers'
first flight.
The albatross drinks sea water. It has a special desalinization apparatus that strains out and excretes all excess salt.
In Clarendon, Texas, there is reportedly a law on the books that lawyers must accept eggs, chickens, or other produce, as well as money, as payment of legal fees.
Cats purr at 26 cycles per second, the same as an idling diesel engine.
A dragonfly flaps its wings 20 to 40 times a second, bees and houseflies 200 times, some mosquitoes 600 times, and a tiny gnat 1,000 times.
Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
The combination "ough" can be pronounced in nine different ways. The following sentence contains them all: "A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed."
Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct order, as does arsenious, meaning "containing arsenic."
The United States has never lost a war in which mules were used.
Blueberry Jelly Bellies were created especially for Ronald Reagan.
All porcupines float in water.
Non-dairy creamer is flammable.
When opossums are playing "possum," they are not "playing."
They actually pass out from sheer terror.
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One morning, I was called to pick up my son at the school nurse's office. When I walked through the main entrance, I noticed a woman, curlers in her hair, wearing pajamas. "Why are you dressed like that?" I asked her.
"I told my son," she explained, "that if he ever did anything to embarrass me, I would embarrass him back. He was caught cutting school. So now I've come to spend the day with him!"
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HOW OLD IS GRANDMA?
Stay with this -- the answer is at the end - it will blow you away.
One evening, a grandson was talking to his grandmother about current events. The grandson asked his grandmother what she thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.
The Grandma replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was born before television, penicillin, polio shots, frozen foods, Xerox, contact lenses, Frisbees and the pill..
There were no credit cards, laser beams or ball-point pens. Man had not invented pantyhose, air conditioners, dishwashers,clothes dryers, and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and man had yet to walk on the moon.
Your Grandfather and I got married first and then lived together.
Every family had a father and a mother.
Until I was 25, I called every man older than I, "Sir"- - and after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, "Sir".
We were before gay-rights, computer-dating, dual careers, day-care centers, and group therapy.
Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense.
We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.
Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a
bigger privilege.
We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.
Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.
Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started.
Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends - not purchasing condominiums.
We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.
We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios.
And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.
If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan' on it, it was junk.
The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam.
Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.
We had 5&10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.
Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel.
And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail one letter and two postcards.
You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, but who could afford one?
Too bad because, gas was 11 cents a gallon.
In my day, "grass" was mowed, "coke" was a cold drink, "pot" was something your mother cooked in, and "rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby.
"Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office,"chip" meant a piece of wood, "hardware" was found in a hardware store and "software" wasn't even a word.
And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap.
Now how old do you think grandma is ??
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Refueling
Once my wife and I had to take a flight that had 4 other stops before arriving at the Dallas-Forth Worth Airport. At the first stop, a little white truck drove up to the plane and my wife watched it pull up to the wing. She asked, "What's that truck doing?"
I explained that some airlines don't completely fuel up a plane for various reasons & we were taking on more fuel. This process was repeated at the next three stops, and my wife watched the plane being fueled each time.
At the last stop, I said, "You know, in spite of all these delays, we're making pretty good time."
My wife pointed out the window and said, "I don't know. That littlete truck is keeping up with us."