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"Lobster Pets "
After a day fishing in the ocean a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket. He is approached by the Game Warden who asks him for his fishing license.
The fisherman says to the warden, "I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets. Everyday I come done to the water and whistle and these lobster jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the day."
The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license. The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "If you don't believe me then watch," as he throws the lobsters back into the water.
The warden says, "Now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they will come out of the water."
The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "What lobsters?"
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As part of our EAPD goals this next year, I came across this
exercise to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders.
It seems so easy that I am directing you to include it as
part of your EAPD goals for next year.
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have
plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb. potato sack in
each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and
hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full
minute, then relax. Each day, you'll find that you can hold
this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of
weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks, then 50-lb. potato
sacks, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a
100-lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight
for more than a full minute.
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each
of the sacks; but be careful!
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It is long again, but here is the BONUS HOLIDAY JOKE:
Puppy Christmas
On the first day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
The Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the second day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the third day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the fourth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the fifth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the sixth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Six yards of soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the seventh day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Seven scraps of wrapping paper
Six yards of soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the eighth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Eight tiny reindeer fragments
Seven scraps of wrapping paper
Six yards of soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the ninth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
My wreath in nine pieces
Eight tiny reindeer fragments
Seven scraps of wrapping paper
Six yards of soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the tenth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Ten Christmas cards I shoulda mailed
My wreath in nine pieces
Eight tiny reindeer fragments
Seven scraps of wrapping paper
Six yards of soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the eleventh day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Eleven unwrapped presents
Ten Christmas cards I shoulda mailed
My wreath in nine pieces
Eight tiny reindeer fragments
Seven scraps of wrapping paper
Six yards of soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the twelfth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
A dozen puppy kisses and I forgot all about the other
eleven days.
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From a Friend -- Worthy Quotes
The man who once most wisely said, "Be sure you're
right, then go ahead."
Might as well have added this to wit: "Be sure you're
wrong before you quit."
The thing to try when all else fails
is..............AGAIN.
If it seems that everything you try your hand at
fails....
....next time try your head.
The secret to accomplishment is to start from scratch
and keep on scratching.
Many people fail because they have a WISHBONE where
they should have BACKBONE.
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Thanks to LBS: THAT TIME OF YEAR
"'Tis the season to be jolly",
Everyone says about this time.
To say otherwise would be folly;
Completely out of sync or rhyme.
To be jolly, we should want to give.
Give of ourselves, and that from the heart.
"To lend a hand to help others live",
For ev'ryone would be a good start.
To miser Scrooge it was "Bah, humbug",
For his attitude was very bad.
Instead of giving ev'ryone a hug,
He would make them very, very sad.
He didn't want to give a gift,
For it would cost him too much money.
He couldn't see giving gives a lift
And makes someone's life warm and sunny.
There'll always be Scrooges in the world,
But let none of us become that way.
Let the banner of joy be unfurled
Both at Christmas and ev'ry other day.
By L. B. Strawn
December 8, 1999
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Airport Mistletoe
It was the beginning of December. The trip had gone reasonably well,
and he was ready to go back. The airport on the other hand had
turned a tacky red and green with loudspeakers blaring annoying
elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.
Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly
tired, he was not in a particularly good mood.
Going to check in his luggage, he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real
mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the
rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and "pointier"
parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.
With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it,
he said to the lady attendant, "Even if I were not married, I would
not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."
"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."
(pause)
"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place
you'd have to step forward for a kiss."
"That's not why it's there."
(pause)
"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"
"It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."