Broom
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom, and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store." "But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom -- I'll show you how."
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Recently launched into the "real world" and shocked by the expenses that
came with it, Bob was complaining about the high cost of auto insurance.
"If you got married," teased his friend Brad, "the premium would be lower."
Bob responded, "But wouldn't that be like buying an airline just to get free
peanuts?"
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When we put our house up for sale, I stressed emphatically that my sons make
their beds each morning. I left for work before they left for school, and I
wanted to be sure that the house looked presentable when the agent showed it
to prospective buyers.
I was surprised and impressed that my 15-year-old son's bed was perfectly
made each day. One night when I went into his room, I discovered his secret.
He was fast asleep on the floor in his sleeping bag.
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The next time a salesman tells you that something costs roughly $1100, ask
him how much is it when he smoothes it out.
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AMUSING QUOTE
"An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day."
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A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says,"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,"She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."
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Thanksgiving in the UK
A few years ago, an American and a British journalist were
discussing Thanksgiving on a British radio program. The
American asked if Thanksgiving was celebrated in the UK.
"Yes," the British journalist replied, "but we celebrate it
on the 6th of September."
"Why then?"
"That's when you chaps left."
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When Vern Allen worked at Safeway Grocery Store a lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The Vern replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
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"Excuse for Republicans driving sports cars that cost more
than their fathers ever made in a year: It's cheaper than
marrying a woman half my age." -P.J. O'Rourke
***
"I used to be With IT. But then they changed what IT was.
Now what I'm with isn't IT, and what's IT seems scary and
wierd. It'll happen to YOU." -Abe Simpson, The Simpsons
***
"In the past, your dumbness has gotten in the way of a few
things that I really wanted to do: The book club. Theater.
Having conversations." -Patricia Heaton
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Our local paper runs a popular column called "10 Questions"
that spotlights people who live in our community.
In addition to the usual inquiries about occupation and age,
people are asked the questions that give a snapshot look of
their personalities.
Recently one woman was asked, "What's the 'strangest' thing
you ever bought?"
She answered, "Dog toothpaste."
Next question, "What is the 'most common' thing people say
to you?"
Her answer: "Where did you get such white teeth?"
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Jolene had been wanting new kitchen cabinets for a long time,
but her husband insisted they were an extravagance.
Then she went to visit her Mother for two weeks, and when
she returned, she was overjoyed to find that her husband had
surprised her by installing beautiful new cabinets.
A few days later a neighbor came over to visit and after
admiring the new cabinets, the neighbor added, "All of us
were so glad that the fire your husband had while you were
gone was confined to the kitchen."
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35 Years
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes and bows in prayer. His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man then replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
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The Lord's Prayer
A mother had been teaching her three-year daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after her mother the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. The mother listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail. Amen."
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Fractured Christmas Carols
No one can fracture a Christmas carol better than a kid. Sing along with these new takes on old favorites: - Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly - We three kings of porridge and tar - On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me - Later on we'll perspire, as we dream by the fire. - He's makin' a list, chicken and rice. - Noel. Noel, Barney's the king of Israel. - With the jelly toast proclaim
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How to deal with telemarketers
- If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. - If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..." - If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, are they married?, kids?, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary. - Cry out in surprise,"Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from. - Say "No", over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up. - If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?" - After the Telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger. - Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, they often can't sell to employees.