"Experts in Washington say that if the coast guard's ships
aren't replaced soon, they will be unable to keep drugs and
illegal aliens from entering our country. God forbid that
should ever happen imagine what this place would be like
if illegal aliens and drugs were able to get in here?"
--Jay Leno
***
"Today California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger gave a
speech on the dangers of global warming. His exact words
were, 'Fire...hot...bad!'" --Conan O'Brien
***
"It's graduation time in New York City and many of the
students here are honor students. Yes your honor, no your
honor, not guilty your honor." --Dave Letterman
+++++++++++++++++++
Needing to shed a few pounds, my husband and I went on a
diet that had specific recipes for each meal of the day. I
followed the instructions closely, dividing the finished
recipe in half for our individual plates. We felt terrific
and thought the diet was wonderful--we never even felt
hungry!
But when we realized we were gaining weight, not losing it,
I checked the recipes again. There, in fine print, was:
"Serves 6."
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[I know this is an old one but the classics never die...they
just turn into eye-rollers.]
A game warden noticed how a particular fellow named Sam
consistently caught more fish than anyone else, whereas
the other guys would only catch three or four a day. Sam
would come in off the lake with a boat full. Stringer
after stringer was always packed with freshly caught trout.
The warden, curious, asked Sam his secret. The successful
fisherman invited the game warden to accompany him and
observe. So the next morning the two met at the dock and
took off in Sam's boat. When they got to the middle of the
lake, Sam stopped the boat, and the warden sat back to see
how it was done.
Sam's approach was simple. He took out a stick of dynamite,
lit it, and threw it in the air. The explosion rocked the
lake with such a force that dead fish immediately began to
surface. Sam took out a net and started scooping them up.
Well, you can imagine the reaction of the game warden. When
he recovered from the shock of it all, he began yelling at
Sam. "You can't do this! I'll put you in jail, buddy! You
will be paying every fine there is in the book!"
Sam, meanwhile, set his net down and took out another stick
of dynamite. He lit it and tossed it in the lap of the game
warden with these words, "Are you going to sit there all
day complaining, or are you going to fish?"
+++++++++++++++++++
How Much?Two elderly gents met up on the way to the funeral of one of their longtime buddies. The deceased was thought to have accumulated much wealth. On the way to the cemetery, one old fellow asked the other, "How much did he leave?"The other old fellow replied, "All of it."
+++++++++++++++++++
Refrigerator Goals
When I returned home from college for a break, I noticed a paper posted on the refrigerator. It listed some goals my dad had set for himself: Help wife more; lose weight; be more productive at work. I promptly added: "Send Michelle money every month." A few days later my brother wrote: "Make payments on car for Jason." Then my boyfriend joined in with: "Buy Tom a Jeep." Finally my father added a new goal to his amended list: "Wean kids."
+++++++++++++++++++
Lawyer Choice
There was a job opening in the country's most prestigious law firm and it finally came down to Robert and Paul. Both graduated magna cum laude from law school. Both came from good families. Both are equally attractive and well spoken. It's up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes each aside and asks, "Why did you become a lawyer?" In seconds, he chooses Paul. Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside. "I don't understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I'd lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?" "I said I became a lawyer because of my hands," Robert replies. "Your hands? What do you mean?" "Well, I took a look one day and there wasn't any money in either of them!"
+++++++++++++++++++
The Top 10 Things Engineering School Didn't Teach
10. There are about 10 types of capacitors. 9. Theory tells you how a circuit works, not why it doesn't work. 8. Not everything works according to the specs in the databook. 7. Anything practical you learn will be obsolete before you use it, except the complex math, which you will never use. 6. Always try to fix the hardware with the software. 5. Engineering is like having an 8 a.m. class and a late afternoon lab every day for the rest of your life. 4. Overtime pay? What overtime pay? 3. Engineers rule the world until the next revision. 2. If you like junk food, caffeine, and all-nighters, then you should go into architecture. 1. Dilbert is a documentary.
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Q: What kind of birds do you usually find locked up?A: Jail-birds! Q: How do you get a cut-price parrot?A: Plant bird seed! Q: Why is a sofa like a roast chicken?A: Because they're both full of stuffing! Q: What do you call a bunch of chickens playing hide-and-seek?A: Fowl play! Q: What happens when ducks fly upside down?A: They quack up!
+++++++++++++++++++
The college football player knew his way around the locker room better than
he did the library, so when the librarian saw the gridiron star roaming the
stacks looking confused, she asked how she could help.
"I have to read a play by Shakespeare," he said.
"Which one?" she asked.
Still scanning the shelves, he answered, "William."
+++++++++++++++++++
Fresh out of high school, I found a job cleaning the elegant home of an
older couple. Among other duties, I had to dust their many imported
carvings and petrified collectibles, as well as pick up after their pets.
One day, I was astonished to find two ivory fossils lying on the floor
beside the bookcase. I quickly picked them up, and put them back on the
shelf. The next week, the same thing happened.
That afternoon, my employer came into the parlor, her faithful dog behind
her. Looking around, she eyed the bookcase. "Nya," she asked the dog, "how
in the world do you keep getting your bones up there?"
+++++++++++++++++++
A smart husband buys his wife very fine china so she won't trust him to wash
it.
+++++++++++++++++++
What Time Is It?
On some air bases, the Air Force is on one side of the field
and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with
the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received
a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If it is
an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an
Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft,
it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on
the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine
Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to
'Happy Hour.'"