to Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning.
His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a
few years before. "Is that so?" the first said. "Did he do a
good job?"
"Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the
ninth hole hooked a shot," he said. "The ball must have been
going 200 mph when it hit me in the stomach. That," he
added, "was the first time in two years my teeth didn't
hurt."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Three Wishes!!!
This guy was walking along the beach when he came
across this salt-encrusted piece of metal.
He worked for an hour or so to remove the salt. Lo and
behold it was a very old oil lamp.
The guy started to buff it to remove the verdigris
when "poof" a genie appeared.
This genie, like all genies, was so happy to be freed
of the lamp that he granted the guy 3 wishes.
"I wish to be a dollar richer than Bill Gates," says
the guy.
"Guy," the genie said, "You will forever be a dollar
richer than Bill Gates. What's your second wish."
"Genie, I want the most expensive Porsche made: Fire
engine red, on board GPS and the finest audio system
ever installed in an automobile."
"That's easy, Guy," says the genie. He waves his hand
and best car anybody had ever seen pops out of the
lamp. The genie then asks the guy for his third wish.
The guy mulls the problem over and over. A girl-- nah,
with billions and billions of dollars he certainly had
become a chick magnet. World peace? Only wackos want
that. The guy found a reason not to wish for anything
that came to his mind.
"Genie," the guy said, "I can't think of anything now.
May I save the third wish for later."
"Gee, this is most unusual. But you hold the hammer, I
can't escape from this lamp until you make a third
wish. Call me when you're ready," and whoosh the genie
disappears into the lamp.
The guy carefully picks up the now-ever-so- valuable
lamp and places it in the trunk of the fire engine red
Porsche. He turns the radio on to balance the sounds
and makes all the other adjustments needed to get his
great audio system customized to his ears.
After that, he pulled off the beach and headed south
along the Pacific Coast Highway.
Soon he was up to 60, then 70, then 80. The Porsche
handled perfectly. The guy was so happy that he began
to sing along with the familiar commercial on the
radio.
"Oh, I wish I was an Oscar-Mayer Wiener..."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What the Store-employees really mean...
1. "Can I help you get a size?" Don't touch that, I
just spent an hour folding it and I don't need your
hands messing it up again.
2. "Do you need help with anything?" Quick, my manager
is coming around the corner and I need to look busy.
3. "Welcome to <
customer to mess up my entire store just to buy a pair
of socks.
4. "Have a nice day!" Now that you ruined mine.
5. "Thank you for shopping at <
Thanks for emptying your wallet with us!
6. "Do you need a shopping cart to help you carry your
items?" The more you can carry, the more you can buy!
7. "I love your shirt! Where did you get it?" Your
shirt is much nicer than the clothes we sell here, why
are you even shopping here?
8. "Can I help you get something down?" I'll get a
ladder and put it up for you since this other nice
customer put in the absolute wrong place.
9. "Don't worry about folding it, I can do it" You
would just mess it up again if you folded it.
10. "No, we don't have any more in the back" I just
don't want to check
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Blondes... Aren't we thankful we have 'em? Think of
all the smiles we'd lose without 'em...
"Did you hear what happened?" Jim asked when he saw me
walking down the hallway at work.
"Hear what" I asked, my curiosity peaked.
"The regional vice president died this morning!"
"What?!" I asked, totally stunned. "What happened?"
"He was working through lunch when he had a heart
attack," Jim began explaining. "Everyone was gone
except his secretary. You know the one."
"Boy do I. She's that young blonde babe."
"Yeah that's the one. Turns out she isn't too smart,
though."
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"He kept yelling at her to 'call 9 1 1'. She just
stood there waiting for him to give her the rest of
the phone number."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My sister went to the department store to check out the
bridal registry of our niece whose wedding was coming up
soon. When my sister returned from the store, she tossed the
gift list on a table and declared, "I think she's too young
to get married."
"Why do you say that?" I asked.
"Because," she said, "they registered for Nintendo games."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Major Technological Breakthrough
Introducing the new Bio-Optic Organized Knowledge device, trade named: BOOK
BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no
electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched
on. It's so easy to use, even a child can operate it.
Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere -- even sitting in an
armchair by the fire -- yet it is powerful enough to hold as much
information as a CD-ROM disc. Here's how it works:
BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper
(recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of
information. The pages are locked together with a custom-fit device
called a binder, which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence.
Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use both sides
of the sheet, doubling the information density and cutting costs.
Experts are divided on the prospects for further increases in
information density; for now, BOOKs with more information simply use
more pages.
Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly
into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet.
BOOK may be taken up at any time and used merely by opening it.
Unlike other display devices, BOOK never crashes or requires
rebooting, and it can even be dropped on the floor or stepped on
without damage. However, it can become unusable if immersed in water
for a significant period of time. The "browse" feature allows you to
move instantly to any sheet and move forward or backward as you wish.
Many come with an "index" feature, which pinpoints the exact location
of selected information for instant retrieval.
An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open BOOK to the exact
place you left it in a previous session -- even if the BOOK has been
closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus, a single
BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers. Conversely,
numerous BOOKmarkers can be used in a single BOOK if the user wants
to store numerous views at once. The number is limited only by the
number of pages in the BOOK.
You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with an
optional programming tool, the Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic
Intercommunication Language Stylus (PENCILS).
Portable, durable, and affordable, BOOK is being hailed as a
precursor of a new entertainment wave. Also, BOOK's appeal seems so
certain that thousands of content creators have committed to the
platform and investors are reportedly flocking. Look for a flood of
new titles soon.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Getting Away From It All...
Mr. Jacobson decided to take a week off from the
pressures of the office and went skiing. Alas, no
sooner did he reach the slopes than he heard an
ominous rumbling: moments later a sheet of snow came
crashing toward him.
Fortunately, Mr. Jacobson was able to jump into a cave
just before the avalanche hit. Just as fortunately, he
had matches with him and was able to light a fire.
Hours later, when everyone but Mr. Jacobson had
returned, a rescue team was sent to search for him.
After several hours they saw smoke curling from the
cave and went to investigate.
Poking his head into the entrance, one of the rescuers
yelled, "Mr. Jacobson, are you there? It's the Red
Cross."
Bristling, the harried executive called back, "Get
lost. I gave at the office!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Genie...
After watching the movie Cinderella, five-year-old
Sarah started using her pinwheel as a magic wand,
pretending she was a fairy godmother. "Make three
wishes," she told her mother, "and I'll grant them."
Her mom first asked for world peace. Sarah swung her
wand and proclaimed the request fulfilled. Next, her
mother requested for a cure for all ill children.
Again, with a sweep of the pinwheel, Sarah obliged.
The mother, with a glance down at her rather ample
curves, made her third wish, "I wish to have a trim
figure again."
The miniature fairy godmother started waving her wand
madly. "I'll need more power for this!" she exclaimed.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Little Johnny
Lil' Johnny's mother took her 6 year old son with her
to the bank. They were in line behind a rather obese
lady. As the mother patiently waited, Lil' Johnny
looked at the women in front of him and observed
loudly, "Hey, Mom, she's really fat."
The lady looked at Johnny, made eye contact with his
mother and gave an understanding smile. Lil' Johnny
received a reprimand.
After a minute or two, Lil' Johnny spread his hands as
far as they will go and loudly said, "I bet her butt
is 'that' wide."
At this the lady glared at Johnny. His embarrassed
mother severely scolds her son. Again after a couple
of minutes Lil' Johnny stated loudly, "Look how the
fat hangs over her belt."
The lady turned and told Johnny's mother to control
her child and his mother threatened him with severe
bodily harm.
The lady's pager begins to go off. Lil' Johnny yelled
in a panic at the top of his voice, "Run for your
life, she's backing up"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A Real Groaner...
A man once saw a very beautiful woman and became
infatuated with her. Unfortunately, she didnt notice
him. Frustrated, he went to see a group of witches to
get a love potion from them. "We don't give love
potions anymore," said the witches, "we've decided
it's too unethical. But we will help you." They then
gave him a bag of small white tablets.
"Bury one of these in front of her home every night
for a month," they said, then sent him away.
A month later the man returned to the witches.
"Everything's great!" he exclaimed. "We met, she fell
in love with me and now we are to be married. I'm
amazed!"
"It's really no surprise," said the witches.
"Remember: Nothin says lovin like something from the
Coven, and pills buried says it best!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Riddles, Puns, Groaners... For the Kids
What kind of clothes does a house wear?
Address (Nelson, 10)
What did one toilet say to the other toilet?
"You look flushed!" (Sara, 10)
What did the patent office head say when he first saw
Edison's
new light bulb?
Okay. Whose bright idea is this?
How did the manicure student do on her final exam?
She nailed it.
What is a monster's favorite game?
Swallow the leader (Christian, 7)
Why did the turkey go on a diet?
He was afraid of being stuffed for thanksgiving
(Elijah,8)
Police were called to a day care where a
three-year-old was resisting a rest.
To perfect their harmony, the barbershop quartet had
to have a sound plan. (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
Two comedian ducks are sitting at a nightclub one
night. One turns to the other and says "You quack me
up."
A window cleaner's boss often did spot checks.
On a van used by a window-treatment company: "A blind
man is driving this vehicle."
The chef slipped and broke his prime rib.
The teacher was lecturing on history and asked, "Can
anyone tell me the genus and nationality of the first
animal to circumnavigate the globe?"
Andrew raised his hand. "It was that duck from Paris,
I believe."
The teacher's eyebrows arched. "What duck from Paris?"
Andrew said, "Sir - France's drake."
The weary holiday travelers looked in disbelief at a
bunch of mistletoe hanging above the luggage check-in
center... "OK, we give up. Why do you have mistletoe
above the luggage scale?"
"That's so you can kiss your luggage goodbye!"