Sign Language
"A pedestrian is a person who should be seen and not hurt."
"Customers who think the waiter is rude should see the
manager."
"Sorry to needle you. We need your blood."
On a college president's door: "Closed. If it's something
important, see the custodian."
Municipal golf course sign: "Please don't find lost balls
until they stop rolling."
New Jersey tourist sign: "Come to beautiful Atlantic City
and see the bored walk."
Sign in a nut shop: "No credit cards here. Strictly cashew
and carry."
By some bananas in a fruit store: "Please don't tear us
apart. We grew up together."
In a barbershop window: "Cutting out for lunch."
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Little Vernie & the Devil
A Sunday school teacher asked Little Vernie, "Do you believe in the Devil?" "No," said Little Vernie. "It's the same as Santa Claus. I know it's my daddy."
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A witness to an automobile accident
A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The following exchange took place between the lawyer and the witness: The lawyer: “Did you actually see the accident?” The witness: “Yes, sir.” The lawyer: “How far away were you when the accident happened?” The witness: “Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches.” The lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): “Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?” The witness: “Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some stupid lawyer would ask me that question.”
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Barbies
A Lady goes to Toys R Us to buy a Barbie doll. She tells the clerk that she needs to buy a Barbie but doesn't know what's available or price. The clerk replies "we have Tennis Barbie and she's $28" Lady asks "well, anything else?" "We have an equestrian Barbie, and she's $28". Lady asks "anything else?" "Well, we have divorced Barbie and she's $250" The lady replies "I don't understand why divorced Barbie is so expensive. The others were only $28. What is so special about divorced Barbie?" The clerk replied "Simple, she comes with Ken's car, his house, and all his other stuff."
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Keeping Up
This man in a Ford Granada pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls: "Hey, you got a telephone in there?" The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do." "I got one too... see?" "Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice." Then the man in the Granada says, "You got a fax machine?" "Why, actually, yes, I do." "I do too! See? It's right here!" "Uh-huh." The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Granada says, "So, do YOU have a double bed in back there?" And the guy in the Rolls says, "No! Do you?" "Yep, got my double bed right in back here - see?!" The light turns and the man in the Granada takes off. Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he goes immediately to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car. About two weeks later, the job is finally done and he picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Granada. He finally finds it parked alongside the road so he pulls his Rolls up next to it. The windows on the Granada are all fogged up and he feels a little awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Granada. The man in the Granada finally opens the window a crack and peeks out. The guy in the Rolls says, "Hey. Remember me?" "Yeah, yeah, I remember you. What's up?" "Check this out - I got a double bed installed in my Rolls." And the man in the Granada says, "You got me out of the shower to tell me that?!"
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Millionaire Refund
Millionaire Refund
A man bought a ticket and won the State lottery. He went to the State Capital to claim his prize and the clerk verified his ticket number.
The winner said, "I want my $20 million."
The clerk replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years."
The man began to get upset and said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it."
Again, the clerk tried to explain that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.
The winner, furious with the clerk, screamed out, "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!"
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One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time. When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not. God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion." So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time.
When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good." God was not pleased. He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what the e-mail said?
Puzzled? Hmmm - I didn't get one, either!
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Learning ColorsLittle Vernie had learned his colors yet, so his teacher decided to test him. The teacher would point out something and ask what color it was. Vernie would his teacher , and always he was correct. But it was fun, so his teacher continued. At last Vernie headed for the door and said, "Mrs. Rath, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"
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"According to a poll in Health Magazine, more Americans
said they'd rather have Bill Clinton as their father than
President Bush. Well sure, with Clinton you get away
with a lot more, don't you think? 'Look, I won't mention
you coming home late, if you don't mention me coming home
late.'" --Jay Leno
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"Last week President Bush created the world's largest pro-
tected marine area, dubbed the Northwestern Hawaiian Islands
National Monument. It contains sea life that has inspired
some of our most breathtaking screensavers." --Jon Stewart
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"We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl
would spin the bottle and if it pointed to you when it
stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a dime.
By the time I was 14, I owned my own home." --Gene Perret
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